How can I better discipline my terror toddler?

[Battenburg1978]

Wise people of Mumsnet, please help. My 2.5 year old DD has always been spirited and we are struggling with her behaviour right now and it's also affecting my relationship with partner (DDs dad). It seems like I am the problem - not being stern enough or maybe not consistent enough. She goes into tantrums (especially after nursery when I know she is very tired). We use the naughty step but she will jump off it and follow me around howling for cuddles and I find it really difficult no matter how many times I try and put her back. She's always been quite a volatile child. I tried and stay calm when she's doing something like hitting, throwing something, but should I be more reactive? I know the terrible twos are called that for a reason but does anyone have any advice on how to manage a very difficult toddler? It's the usual hitting (flapping and actual deliberate hitting, throwing, refusing to do something she needs to do etc - nothing out of the ordinary in that sense but she goes from zero- 100 in a split second). Maybe I need to implement a stricter routine at home, this might help her. Feeling at wits end and would really appreciate some real life advice as clearly I'm just not 'getting it' from the reading I've done.

Thanks for reading

battenburg my advice may not be what you want to hear... I think you need to scrap the naughty step altogether, I’m not a fan of it at all. No 2 year old has the brain development to sit on a step, know why they are there and think about their actions, how it affected the person etc. We use ‘time in’ if we need to - we go somewhere quiet and we talk about what happened and how she is feeling. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it certainly works for us (and our friends). She isn’t acting out on purpose, 2 year olds don’t have impulse control. She is having some big emotions and she needs to reconnect with you, hence why she isn’t staying on the naughty step and is following you desperate for cuddles. Give her the cuddles she wants. I am by no means saying ignore the unwanted behaviour, you still need to instil boundaries but if your way is not working why not change it up and try something else? I really don’t think being even stricter is going to help...

She s tired after nursery.
Give her the attention she wants.
Try to work out what the behaviour is communicating
Ignore a tired tantrum .
Cuddle her.

If she hits move away
If she throws remove the thing she threw
Praise her for playing nicely.

Why do you want to be stern?
Why to you want to discipline?
She is two ....
Show her how to be nice

What cestlavielife said.

Also, consistency is key. She needs you to put in boundaries and stick to them.

Try having 10mins 1-2-1 play with her each day, where you're just there for her. Really try to get to know what the need is behind her behaviour (sleep/food/Love/boundaries for example).

Good luck.

Honestly I really think the naughty step is a waste of time at that age. I don't, unlike some, think the concept is terrible as actually now DS is 3.5 it works quite well for him to have a "time out" (we don't call it the naughty step though) when he is kicking off to calm down. But genuinely it has only been the last couple of months he has really understood the concept of things like time outs, sticker charts and consequences etc - at 2.5 it just would have pointless, he wouldn't have understood it.

At that age I think you just have to grit your teeth and distract, distract, distract. Loads of praise and positive attention, plenty of 1:1 time.

I do also think routine is important at that age if I'm honest, DS was always a bit of a nightmare on days we didn't have one.

It's so hard I know. Only this morning I totally lost my rag at DS because he was having the most epic tantrum about having to get dressed and I just wanted to shout oh FGS do you know how quickly we could get this done if you weren't PISSING ABOUT AND SCREAMING!!! Unfortunately they just do not understand and it is not worth getting frustrated. These days when DS is kicking off I say "I know you're upset because of X DS" and give him a cuddle and that does work for the most part but at 2.5 it wouldn't have.

Agree that If you want to have a step.call it a thinking space or time out.
Calling it a naughty step enhaces the view you think they are naughty person and a bad person. They will grow up with negativity.
Behaviour is always communication take some time to analyse and try responding differently and remember they are a small.child

@TwinkleStars15 and @cestlavielife have already said what I would have.
Give the poor kid a cuddle when she wants one.

Also don't think having a naughty step/anything that punishes or teaches children that young they are 'naughty' is good at all.

I would recommend the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk'.

would recommend the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk'

That did sweet f all here, if my 3.5 year old is kicking off and I say "I know you're really angry about the fact you couldn't have another lollipop ds" (for example), it makes him twice as bad.

Tbf if I was kicking off and someone said to me "I know you're angry right now", I'd think they were a patronising knob.

Tantrums are not naughty, they are the reaction of a very young child who is overwhelmed by some big emotions. Work out how you can best help you child when they are having a tantrum. For my DD that was sitting on the floor nearby and waiting until she calmed down and was ready to cuddle. Later on we would chat about what had happened.

I agree that you should ditch the naughty step.
When you pick her up from nursery, give her a tiny snack and a drink and then home to some quiet time with you. Just loll on the sofa or in the garden or on your bed with a book and a big soft toy (who can 'look after' her while you answer the phone/go to the loo/put the kettle on.

I never quite got on with 'How to Talk' as much as a similar but more straightforward book 'Positive Discipline'. Instead of a naughty step you have a cosy corner. You still dump them there when they drive you nuts but in a kindly, not punishing way. 'You're realy upset right now. I don;t like being shouted out, so snuggle down here until you feel calm. There's a duvet. cushion, cuddly toy, book, drink etc to keep you cosy. When you feel better, come and tell me.'

That allows you to be apart from the howling but also teaches the child a valuable lesson that when we feel furious and shit we need to calm ourselves down. Not be punished for having difficult inexplicable emotions. But equally we need to be responsible and not inflict them on others. You as mother have the right to say: I don't want this and you give your child the right to decide when they feel better. It might not work for all children but it worked like a dream for my two, esp DS1 who was a control freak toddler who had to be in charge. As long as he was boss of when he felt better, it was fine, and he liked being fussed making sure he was comfortable in the cosy corner before I left him to it.

Tbf if I was kicking off and someone said to me "I know you're angry right now", I'd think they were a patronising knob.
I agree with this.
I don't think there is a perfect way of reacting to a tantrum, it depends on the situation and on the child.
My DS2 throws some epic tantrums. I find I have to adapt my response to the situation. So, for example, he once threw a tantrum because he wanted to drink some of my wine - I completely ignored this because it's just unreasonable and there's no discussing it. I waited until he calmed down of his own accord.
If he tantrums because he doesn't want to get dressed, I will initially try and coax him into doing it, explain the fun things we can do once he's dressed, let him choose one item of clothing etc. If he refuses and continues to tantrum, I will dress him despite the kicking and screaming. No punishments.
If he throws and hits and bites and just won't stop, I will hold him tight. Take him on my lap and hold him tight so that he can't get off. This usually ends the situation because it will turn into a cuddle - sometimes, his anger will escalate but he will calm down if he understands I won't let him down until he stops hurting other people.
If possible, I take him away from a situation that has caused a tantrum - so, if he's tantrumming at the swings, take him to the slide, if he's tantrumming in the bath, take him out of the bath.
Quite often, I just let him scream while sitting next to him and trying to talk some sense into him. Many books I've read talk about empathising and describing feelings and talking things through, but IME this is of little help with a 2.5 year old.
Every tantrum he has ends with a cuddle, even if I don't feel like it. It doesn't reinforce the bad behaviour, it just shows I still love him in spite of it. Fwiw, nursery have said he's very well behaved.
I agree with PP it's too early for the naughty step. Don't feel bad about having used it though, it's hard to know how to react. I would read a variety of books on how to manage toddler behaviour, you can then choose what sounds right to you.

A belated thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. I've taken your comments on board and got myself a copy of the How to Talk book - it's interesting and I like its approach but agree some bits will be more useful when she's a bit older. This week I've been going for the problem solving approach and also making sure that when we get home from nursery that time is spent focused on DD - this week we did baking and played duplo and that seems to have helped too. We always have lots of cuddles so that's continued. The step has not been used once!

Great update OP! Well done!