Step Parenting to Adult Child with issues...

[SarahJane03]

Help please… Can anyone direct me to a support page (other than here, unless there is a particular thread I can join).. I am a step parent of three adult children (the youngest is 38 now!) But I am having real issues with my partner (of 12 years) over the 38yr old. To the point it could almost split us up. SD (Step daughter) has mental health issues, (which everyone inc her birth parent is in denial about), has been homeless (self inflicted), a drug addict etc. She is now ‘in recovery’ and is the mum herself to a bright, active two year old. But my partner still gives her money when she asks even though they know it is going on SD's partners drug habit (he is not able to give it up? He also has never worked and has three children by three other women and just takes from the state, as well as SD.) Partner and I discussed at length that no money should ever be given if it was going on drugs, but partner has weakened and just keeps throwing money at daughter (through guilt of some kind I fear,) and it is causing a rift between us. We cannot afford to be giving away our savings. We live on one UK pension and a small amount from part time work.
Any suggestions where to go to chat about these issues appreciated thank you. (NB I am not particularly looking for a mental health or drug support group, just somewhere that other step parents come across these things.)
NB I do not have my own children so I do not fully understand the need of my partner to keep helping... (Although I am an adult child of a parent whom I still ask for help if it is an emergency as he can afford it.)

Hi op. I'm not sure if I have any advice that is useful to you. We are in a similar situation but with very different specifics. My brother is a homeless drug addict with MH issues. My mother for a long time kept giving him money which he spent on drugs, she knew what it was spent on but though it was better that him stealing etc..
Over time things got worse, they reached out to a substance and alcohol councillor for family members. They have been attending weekly for nearly 2 years and whilst things with my brother haven't got better. The councillor has given them really good advice on how to set boundaries and make life better for themselves. They have a group meeting once a month with other people which is very hard but good for them to talk to people going through similar experiences.
Maybe someone like this can talk to your husband and show him the damage he is causing by lending the money. Perhaps once he hears it from an outsider and the implications it has he might be in a better place to change his way of dealing with this situation.
Might be worth looking up councillors for family members in your area and see what you come up with?
Sorry your dealing with this it's really a heartbreaking situation for all involved.

I'd suggest you separate your share of the savings into your own bank account. Who is receiving the pension & who does the part-time work? Can you have whichever is yours go into your own account? Only pay into any joint account your half of the living expenses for both of you. Your DP is bu if he's also using "your" money to support his very, very, adult daughter. Drug addiction is a bottomless pit that DP is wasting his money throwing it into it.
I hope you find the support you need & that DSD can get her life on track in the future

Thank you both for your kind replies. I actually live abroad, but OH sees daughter on their work trips to UK. (Which they are doing extra of, more time for us apart, to fund daughter. Which is part of the reason I am unhappy about the situation. We already spend 3 months a year apart as their income supports us both. It is also their pension. I cannot work for health reasons and I spent all my savings when we met as they did not have income or savings then.) I would have suggested a family group counselling session if we were living nearer (as purpleboy suggests) but to be honest it would be really hard even if we were as SD is only focused on her own needs. I agree 100% with you EileenAlanna that once I have some money (I am the sole beneficiary of my fathers will/estate and he is on his final stretch) that this money will go into a SOLE account and we only have a joint account for our shared household/living expenses. (I actually have a friend in the UK who does this as her partner refuses to support her wayward grown up son!) I keep thinking I am being unreasonable as partner tells me 'You don't understand, you are not a parent.' But I do know a bottomless pit when I see one. Thanks for replying, it is appreciated. (PB I am glad it is helping your parents. It truly is devastating...)