Why has my 2yo become a monster, and what do I do about it???

[crazychemist]

Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration. She’s not hitting or anything unacceptable like that, but she gets upset several times a day and it’s insane how cross she gets! E.g. yesterday she spilt juice on her dress. She screamed for about 20 minutes that it was dirty (I’d mopped it dry, but there was a mark), so I took it off her (another 20 minutes of screaming....). Basically she didn’t calm down properly till bedtime when she was in her pjs.

Today she couldn’t get her toys arranged exactly as she wanted. 20 minutes of screaming.

What am I supposed to do about it? Obviously I’m not going to do anything totally mad like giving her a treat to stop her, but I don’t know whether I should leave her to it, or try to distract her? She seems beyond all reason! She has done this in public once or twice as well - it took her nearly 40 minutes to calm down the other day because the other toddlers went to the loo and she couldn’t do a wee (because it had only been half an hour since she last went).

In case exact age matters, she’ll be 3 in just over 2 months.

I don’t want her to turn into a complete monster/brat. But I don’t know if I should be just leaving her to scream herself out if it’s going to take that long, it seems like she might feel quite unloved...?

Help please!

It's not called the terrible twos for nothing!

Distraction can work sometimes, especially if you catch the beginning of the tantrum quickly enough. The important thing is to stay calm yourself. Offer her a hug if she wants one (she may not). Talk to her in a soothing voice. But basically, you just have to wait it out.

This too shall pass. Don't worry. This is normal for her age, and doesn't mean she will become a spoilt brat.

sometimes verbalising what they're feeling helps them calm down quicker. your dress is dirty! you are so upset because it's dirty! you don't want it to be dirty do you! I'll get you a new dress... you wish you could do a wee too, you're sad you don't have any wee left etc etc.

they feel heard and 'validated' (cringe).

My DS is like this at the moment 🙈🙈🙈 I had to hide in my kitchen for 5 minutes to have a break just now.

Things that currently result in 20 minutes of screaming:

Not letting him play with calpol syringe

His lego not staying on despite him putting it in ridiculously precarious ways

Not letting him play with my lipsticks

Not letting him play with my fork, whilst I'm using it!

Not breast feeding him in the middle of the day

Trying to feed him (has to do it himself)

Not allowing him to roam free everywhere despite it sometimes being dangerous to do so.

It's exhausting. All part and parcel of it though (apparently). Just needs patience and time. It will pass (this is what I keep telling myself). It's all part of their psychology.

Ok, maybe once I’m through this I’ll be able to look at this dispassionately as a perfectly normal developmental stage. Right now it’s hell on earth! She seems much worse than the others her age, but I’m not sure if that’s partly my perception as I’m with her all the time. I feel awful when she kicks off in public, I just don’t know how to handle it!

I was going to say wait until she turns 3, but then saw that she is 3 soon! Maybe it's the threenagers come early? My DS has been horrible since just before he turned 3. Not huge tantrums like that (although he can lose it on occasion for sure) but saying nasty things eg mummy don't come in here / mummy don't come to the park with me and daddy etc. And so so defiant / strong willed.

How is she verbally? If her skills aren't great she's probably frustrated and lashing out.

Agree with pp about acknowledging it though. What I've recently found works with my DS (now 3.6 so a fair bit older than your DD) is I say "don't get cross..." just before he's about to kick off eg because it's time to turn the TV off, and it does seem to be effective.

My dd (exact same age as yours) cried tonight because her dinner was ‘too yummy’ and refused to eat it.
It would be funny if it wasn’t so exhausting.

My 2.5 year old screamed and wailed for 30 minutes tonight because she wanted a birthday present (it’s not til December) because I was wrapping a present (for an adult friend of mine).

Ah i hear you! It's totally normal, but so difficult to deal with. They're not very good at regulating emotions at this age and once something sets them off it's very hard to get them to calm down. My DS cried for 30 minutes because he couldn't find his doll.... He doesn't own a doll . I find if I just offer cuddles and tell him I understand, try and verbalise what I think has upset him try and distract with other things then it sometimes helps a bit.

Ok, depressingly it sounds normal then... should I still take her out to things? We normally go to stay and play etc, but I feel awful taking her out knowing that there’s a chance she’ll be totally unreasonable. She won’t share at all! Would I be better off keeping her at home more often and role playing sharing, reading lots of books about sharing, or do I keep going and hope she learns to deal with it? I feel awful inflicting her on other, better behaved children right now!

At home, I do try to do the acknowledging feelings etc. She’s fairly verbal, so she will say it herself! With the dirty dress she corrected me, I sad that she was angry because her dress was dirty and she said “no, I’m sad that the dress is dirty. I’m angry that mummy took it away!” Alas that didn’t stop her then screaming inconsolably for another twenty minutes....

No, don’t stop taking her out. This phase might last for a few months (sorry!) so you don’t want to spend it stuck indoors. Remember that most parents have been there and will sympathies with you, not judge you (as long as you are clearly there by her side). Also, don’t be afraid of leaving early if a tantrum starts - it’s sometimes a sign that she’s tired and would be better off at home anyway.

Hell no! Don’t stay in the house, you’ll only make yourself miserable.

As @pineapplefish says, most people don’t judge. And those that do are having a very lucky time of it. I like to think their perfect children’s teenage years will be miserable.

But I’m also not a nice person

Ok, I'll keep inflicting her on other people then and hope she gets past this phase relatively quickly!

It's definitely worse when she's tired, but I don't really have a good solution to that right now. The main reason that she's tired is because she resists sleep and ends up not being asleep till an hour and a half after bedtime.

@Pineapplefish, don't worry, I don't leave her to be horrible to other kids, I stay nearby and I'm ready to intervene if she's being unreasonable to another toddler. She doesn't snatch, but she gets attached to certain toys and doesn't want anyone else to touch them. I did leave her screaming on the floor while I tidied up at one group, but she was nowhere near any other kids and was beyond reason/comfort and just wanted to be left alone for a bit, me trying to calm her was just making it worse!

Glad to hear other people are going through similar things, I was wondering if I'd seriously messed up somewhere.

Normally if distraction or acknowledging feelings doesn't work I gently and kindly put DS in his room and say something like, sounds like you need to get your feelings out for a bit. Let me know when you want me. Then I go and leave him to it. Sometimes a kid just needs to tantrum

I could have written this OP. My DS is an absolute nightmare half the time and the other half, he's a lovely sweet angel.
My DS has become selfish, possessive and somewhat aggressive. It's so embarrassing but I am certain he'll grow out of it.

Don't worry OP. As a pp said, it's the terrible twos!

Thanks @Aria999. At home I will just let her cry on the floor and I tell her I’m just popping into the kitchen to make a cup of tea (or whatever), and to come and get me when she’s ready for a cuddle. Tricky when we’re out and about though! She had a hospital appointment today and was FOUL. She kicked off in the waiting room because she didn’t want to share the toys with a particular boy (no idea why!).... I tried to vocalise her feelings, I tried distracting her, I tried removing her to a different part of the waiting room (partly to give the other parents a bit of a break from the screaming)..... eventually it was our appointment and I carried her into it still screaming and we had to basically restrain her so the doctor could examine her. So a bit of a shit morning all round. This afternoon she has been completely fine! My DH was with us and it’s the first time he’s seen her do this, he was completely flabbergasted and, by the end of it, exhausted and embarrassed.