When will I love my baby?

[absolutehush]

I'm a first timer to a 15 week old and it's just not ok.

I don't love her. I really really want to, but I just feel tired and resentful that my life is so different.

This morning when my husband went to work, all I could say was that I didn't want to look after her today. I didn't want to be responsible.

I'm trying so hard to make sure she doesn't know. I try to play with her as much as I can and give her cuddles and kisses all the time but I'm so worried I'm fucking her up and she'll end up miserable and sad because I couldn't love her. What if she's already unhappy? I feel awful and like it would be better if I wasn't here.

I know the above isn't normal and went to ask for her 6-7 weeks ago, I'm under the care of a peri-natal health team (weekly psych appointments) and am taking medication.

I feel so alone and like I'm ruining her life and my husbands life. Please can someone tell me they felt like this and it got better... I just feel like giving up.

If it's never going to get better then maybe she'd be better off with a different mum who loves her. I don't know what I'm really asking but I just want to know I'm not alone.

You are not alone. It will get better. You are not a bad mum, this is a very hard time and you have post natal depression!

I know it sounds impossible but just keep going. Take the medication and keep asking for help.

You’ll get there, I believe in you

Your baby won’t know. You are responding to her needs and giving her everything she needs. But you need to look after yourself too. It would be a good idea to discuss it with a friendly GP.

Sorry I did not read the end it. You will get there and to be honest new borns are very hard work and boring as they get older they get easier and much more interesting.

I felt similarly with DC1, I don’t know if it was PND or more that she was born in difficult circumstances and was a difficult non sleeping baby (not her fault obv) but anyway, I felt like you.

Looking back I don’t think I really loved her till she was several months old. Maybe 6 months? You will get there. Keep going through the motions and cuddling and kissing her, that’s enough for now. Keep speaking honestly to the doctors and your DH. Can you hand over to DH for a few hours at the weekend? It will really help if you can just leave for an hour or two.

Hard isn't it. You've been through a huge change and things are constantly changing. You do love her otherwise you wouldn't be worried that you're having a negative impact on her. I don't know if like me in your head you were maybe expecting this big thing like they have in movies of being blindsided by how much you love your baby the minute you birth them. I never did with either of my boys. I love them I do, but it was never instant. Like when I met their dad I had to get to know them and their little personalities. I never got the whole encompassing I love these tiny people, I'd lay my life down for them and get worried about them.

Keep taking your medication and talking to the perinatal team. You can do this but do make sure you get some you time with daddy taking care of your dd

Thank you both. I'm just feeling very lost today.

Thank you for saying she won't know.

I wish I was a different person.

I'm fairly sure I didn't really love my baby for a long time (PND). He was just a normal baby, but I couldn't stand anything about life with him. As he grew, I learnt to like him first in a sort of abstract "yeah, I suppose he's alright" kind of way. I didn't love him, but I didn't really want any real harm to come to him. That was a massive change for me after months of quite happily thinking of just leaving him somewhere and getting back to my old life.

Later that turned into love in a sort of "he's around and quite sweet" kind of way. But for a long time I felt like I'd adopted him. Like he wasn't really mine, he just sort of appeared in my life one day and I needed to care for him, because he was a little baby.

Much later, I truly love him as mine. But it was a brutal shitty journey. He had a period of being a real "daddy's boy" at about 12 months old, and I was convinced it was because he understood how I'd felt about him for all those months. Of course it wasn't! But it felt like it.

Keep in touch with your health team. Keep going through the motions. You will get there

My husband does take her but he can't settle her very well and she won't take a bottle so I'm a bit limited.

Thank you everyone. It's kind of you all and I'm comforted knowing I'm not the only one and that it got better.

It's more common then you think

We are all pedaling myth that motherhood is wonderful and we will
Love our babies instantly

Your baby is new to you
A new person it takes time

Plus loving your baby isn't about these amazing instant bonds

Caring for your baby is love
Feeding your baby is love
Holding your baby is love

Don't be too hard on yourself first time is a big huge life transition

I didn't feel love like that til she was about 3/4 months old and even then I struggled with pnd

Here’s what I think. Love is a verb. It’s something you do not just something you feel. And loving a tiny baby is fucking hard sometimes. They don’t say thank you, to begin with they don’t even smile. The only feedback you get is crying or not crying. But somewhere along the way, all of that practical love that you gave, the endless nappy changes and feeding and rocking to sleep translates into a little person who will cling tightly round your neck and beam at the sight of you. And you earn their love by all of the care you gave them before they even knew it. And somewhere along the way all of the practical love you give turns into that feeling of love that you’re missing right now, where they melt your heart by cooing at you, or grinning or giggling or snuggling into you when they’re upset.

Me too!

I didn’t feel that loving feeling with my first dc until they were maybe almost 12 months? I was too tired and stressed and mourning my old life to feel love. Of course I loved him (ie I didn’t want him to be harmed, wanted his needs to be fully met etc) but wasn’t in love.

In hindsight I think I had pnd or anxiety and should have gotten help. Can you talk to a healthcare professional about how you’re feeling?

You’re not alone. You’re not a bad mum. But you should reach out for help from a doctor/nurse; that’s the best thing you could do for your dc. She would absolutely not be better off without you - I am sure of this

Oh OP. I feel for you so very much.

This was me with my DD at 13 weeks (I changed some details on this thread as I didn't want it to be identifying): www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217112-to-hate-being-a-mum

If you read through the thread you'll get the wonderful advice and support I received, and you'll also see how over the weeks and months my feelings changed so dramatically. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But if I got through it, so can you.

I didn't love my baby for a long time. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Lots of mums don't get that "rush of love". Instead, for me, it was a slow process of falling a bit more in love with her every day. Once I was under the care of the mental health team things DID get better each day – very slowly, but they did. 6 months was a real turning point and was when I started really enjoying having her – not just getting through the day and counting it as a win if I didn’t cry, but actually, truly enjoying her. From then on I felt the love growing every day. I’d find myself thinking about her as I fell asleep, wanting to see her when she was sleeping, feeling more natural with physical affection and chatting to her. But it all took time, it really did. Now I’m head over heels and couldn’t imagine my life without her. She’s my best pal and the love of my life and she doesn’t know any different. But honestly, if someone had told me I’d ever feel that way back when I was at your stage I wouldn’t have believed them for a second. But you WILL get there. I promise.

Some practical things that helped me:

• A couple of hours a week in the house by myself – my DH would take her out for a long walk
• The organisation HomeStart – your HV or GP can refer you
• Do you have a good HV? Mine was absolutely lifesaving
• Keep using the MH team for as long as you need them – don’t ever feel guilty
• Feeding the baby whatever way best suits you
• My MH team got me to move DD to her own room at 4 months because I wasn’t sleeping AT ALL with her in the room and it was exacerbating everything. I was eventually persuaded to do this when I saw how much the SIDS risk dropped at that age. I’m not suggesting you do this but if you can even leave the baby with your husband for a few hours while you get some good quality sleep, that will help
• Going back to work was a real lifechanger for me – I only went back part time but getting that balance has helped me enjoy my DD so much more and my life is infinitely better

You are meeting all your baby’s needs right now. That is an act of love. It doesn’t matter that you’re not feeling it. You will absolutely get there, I promise.

Please PM me if you want to talk more, I’d be happy to help.

You are definitely not alone, the fact you are playing with her cuddles and kissing is all she needs you are doing way better than you think you are
Totally relate to not wanting to be responsible it’s un-fucking-relenting isn't it?
Have you joined your local nct group ? There also all the mummy and me music yoga Bolivia that does fuck all for the kids really just is excuse for mums to get together fir support. I enjoyed mum and me cinema where you get to watch an adult film with other mums and we had coffee in the cafe after
I lost my partner two months after birth and was worried I’d fuck my son up with all my crying weeping and wailing etc but they are totally unaware and is an emotional sound 7 year old
Exercise is very beneficial too hand over baby as soon as oh is through the door and do a 30 min stomp round the block even that helps me when I’m going crazy, I’m under mental health team hope yours are good. Hang in their darling it will get better and you will do baby zero harm,in fact this experience when it’s behind you will make you better mother who can offer sound advice when ever your little one needs it xxxxx

For me the perinatal mental health team and using a sling helped but I think mostly time.

Took me 8-12 months to really love DD (although it was instantly with subsequent DS). I just did my best to ensure she was well looked after and actually pretended to love her so everyone else wouldn’t think I was awful and then eventually I just did and still do 14 years later
It doesn’t have to be instant, at your stage they are mainly just hard work but when you start getting something back you get to know them as an actual person and I think that’s when I loved her

This isn't an uncommon feeling, so don't feel alone in this, plenty of new mums struggle with the overwhelming sense of responsibility and dullness that comes with looking after a newborn. It's great that you've already sought help, and acknowledged that how you feel isn't quite right at the moment, and the best part is, it certainly WILL get better. You're in the hardest part right now. The novelty of a new baby has worn off, the daily hoards of friends and family so desperate to turn up in the first few weeks, have fizzled away, and you're left, sleep deprived, hanging, and constantly having to put someone else's needs and desires ahead of your own. The sudden realisation that you are now in this for the long haul is quite daunting. The medication you've been prescribed can take a good while to really have an effect, but if you don't feel it's helping after 4-6 weeks, ask for a higher dose, or a different type. If you can muster up the enthusiasm to attend some post natal/baby groups, it may seem mundane to begin with, but there will be many other new mums like yourself, feeling low, who can completely empathise with how you feel. I struggled immensely after my first was born, but 4 years and another baby later, and I love them both dearly and motherhood, despite its constant ups and downs, has been my greatest achievement. Don't feel like a bad mother, and don't feel like your DH and baby deserve "better" (this is how I spend the early months feeling)... you ARE enough, to your baby you are everything and more. I promise you. This isn't forever. In a short few months, you will have a baby learning to eat, and crawl, and things become so much more interesting and rewarding. The toddler stage is challenging, but so much fun, and preschoolers are amazing. Hang in in there, you're doing great. X

Hi everyone

I wanted to thank you for replying- I couldn't really respond at the time as I was just in such a bad place but I did read everything and take on board all the advice and support given. It really helped me at such a painful, low moment in my life.

I can back to let you all know that my DD is 25 weeks this week, and today in the park I had a little moment with her, where I thought that she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and that all I that mattered to me was her happiness and safety.

And then I realised I love her, I really really do. It took me a while but I got there, 6 months in. There is nothing special in a mum loving her baby, except that I love her because she's my baby.

I just wanted to add this post in case anyone ever searches the question in my title (I know I did), to say that I did get there and it was hard and longer and more than I expected to give but I did get there.

Thank fuck for that.

Such a wonderful update, I wish you a lifetime of love with your girl