I my kids dad we’ve been together for a couple of years we have two boys that 7 months and nearly 2. We started seeing each other and kind of started shutting people out not intentionally I was just so happy I met someone and someone actually liked me as well as I didn’t really have a lot of boyfriends growing up so slowly as time went on I stopped speaking everybody that I ever did he said it wasn’t our fault it’s them that’s decided to stop speaking to and that they were jealous of us and that they were probably talking behind our backs so I kept telling myself that was the case.
Three and half years have passed all my time and my whole life is dedicated to both of my boys and partner. I have no friends, I don’t really see my family as much as they are all busy with work commitments which I do understand but as time has went on I feel like I’m living life through my partner I do love him and he has been good to me I just feel like I’ve lost myself by trying to be the best mum and girlfriend that I can be.
Ever since having my first child I feel I’m not myself anymore I’m not sure what it is or why I feel the way I do. I’m so anxious now I was before having children but now it’s just took over my life im don’t really know what I’m feeling so it’s hard to put into words or muddling it all up.
I love being a mum that’s not what the problem is I don’t even know what the problem is.. I think to be honest I’m seeing my partners life moving forward were my is on hold, he goes to work meets a lot people, is very sociable, goes to the gym with friends and has nights out and then I’m in the house day in day out, Now because I’m so used to being in the house it’s made me anxious going out I don’t like it but will if I have to I don’t go out without my boys, I jump when someone’s at the door I’ve had other Mums message me to do play dates but I can’t bring myself to do it i just make excuses I feel like I’m weird now and scared in case people think I act weird I stutter my words when talking to people even my heart races sometimes I over think everything, I’ve tried speaking to my partner and he says I’ll be fine once I get a job or start college my even the thought of that gives me anxiety.
I feel like I’ve lost how to socialise and a couple of years ago I had so many friends, didn’t care what anyone else thought would start a conversation with anybody now I don’t even know who that person is anymore I just want to be like that again it’s just hard when I have nobody to help with kids I do it all myself I can’t even ask someone to come for a to mines as I’ve just lost all contact with everyone I speak to. Some days I’m really happy with my life and like whatever.. then I have moments were I breakdown and just wish I could go back in time, I love my babies they’ve gave me a purpose but it makes me so sad that I don’t have any friends that have children so they can grow up with each other I don’t want them thinking when they’re older why mum doesn’t have any friends. Sometimes I think I should leave my boyfriend and then i might stop being the way I am as I feel like I rely on our relationship and him a lot if I didn't have him somehow that would give me the push to do things as I feel everything like it’s all about him, to make sure he’s okay, making sure he doesn’t feel down as he can be like that quite a bit and his family tell me he needs to get to the gym to make himself feel okay so while trying to make sure everybody else is okay and healthy minded I’m like this and I don’t know why it’s so hard to explain..