Please help. Struggling to cope

[Nuttyaboutnutella]

My son is nearly 2.5. however, he's not talking and his understanding is behind. He is delayed in some areas and are waiting a referral to a paediatrician for more assessments but it's a 6-8 month waiting list. He barely plays with toys and I'm struggling to do things with him.

I also have a 5 week old. She has been fairly placid but suddenly wants to be held constantly or wants feeding. She screams if you put her down.

I'm finding it hard to cope. My HV isn't great and while we've had a few meetings with SALT, I've found it useless. My son is showing some signs of autism but I'm not 100% sure. I feel like I've been left to cope on my own in the meantime. I'm trying to do the stuff the SALT woman told me to do but when I do, the baby needs feeding or rocking or whatever. I'm finding it all so difficult.

I can't seem to engage my son at all. I feel like we've been left to flounder while we wait for appointments. It seems help is only available if/when there is a diagnosis.

I'm currently sat in tears. Been trying to play with DS but he's not interested and baby keeps fussing. I'm in over my head and don't know what to do anymore. I can't cope.

Hi Nutty, first of all I’m sorry you’re struggling so much at the minute. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You’re doing as much as you can, even though it might not feel like it!

I do know how you feel, I’m in a very similar situation with my almost 2.5yr old DS - also doesn’t speak, development delays and signs of ASD. We’re also on the looooong waiting lists for proper assessments which is beyond frustrating, and I have DC2 due in 5 weeks which I feel guilty about as it’ll take time and focus away from DS when it feels like he needs a lot due to his delays.

Do you have anyone who can watch DC2 for you for a few hours every now and again so you can try having one on one time with DS? Or have you tried using a sling round the house so she’s close to you but your hands are free for other things? Are there any toys or activities at all that DS responds well too? My DS isn’t big on most toys but he loves balls! So I try and get him to interact with me in playing ball games, doesn’t always work as he likes doing his own thing but it works sometimes so I take that as a win! Don’t feel like you are constantly having to do things to help him learn to talk or ‘develop’ I was doing that I ended up feeling like I was going to have a breakdown. Just try and interact with things he likes and that will help in its own way.

How long have you been waiting for the NHS referrals do far? Does your DS attend nursery at all? Xxxx

Thank you Princess

I calmed down a while after. DD also went in her Moses basket for a long nap so I was able to play/interact with him a bit which was nice. He's also slowly dropping naps which isn't helping as he get so tired sometimes. Today is one of those days so between him being grumpy, baby was clingy and I'm full of cold, it got a bit much.

I do have a sling which is great but can't have it on constantly as I end up with a bad back despite it being very comfortable.

Ds is in nursery for 2 hour sessions twice a week, only recently started but settled well. But I've had other stuff on which has taken up my time so haven't been able to use the time for myself or to spend with DD. For personal reasons, only one family member is aware of my concerns and due to work commitments, isn't able to offer much physical support. DP is great but obviously out of the house for work.

We've only just got on the waiting lists so will be a while yet. I'm just trying to hard to help him 'catch up'. The positive is that I've seen a lot of improvement since I've been on maternity and he's been in nursery (all about the same time) so I need to look at the positives.

It's kinda nice to know someone else is on the same boat. Its been quite lonely :( how long has your little boy been on waiting lists? Did you raise concerns or did your HV? Do you have any outside support in the meantime?

I’m glad you’re feeling a little better now, I know what you mean about everything just feeling a bit much sometimes! And you’ve got two little ones to think about without a huge amount of time to yourself, outside help and with your DP out at work! You’re doing an amazing job just staying sane most of the time I’d say also Your DD is only 5 weeks old so you’re still finding a rhythm and routine for 2 kids that works for you and that’ll take a bit of time.

Aw yes I’m sure the nursery will help hugely! You could also ask them about anything they could suggest to help his development, or see if they would be able to help you get him refered to portage through them...? My sons nursery have been very helpful and referred him to portage through them. It’s taken a few months but apparently someone is coming to nursery to see him in the next few weeks so maybe worth mentioning..?

I don’t know about you but I’m always feeling a lot of pressure for my son to catch up and be like other kids his age. I’ve got a few very close friends that have DC’s close in age to mine, mostly a little older but they seem light years ahead of him in terms of social development and speech and they are so lovely and supportive, but they don’t really ‘get it’. For example they were complaining (lightheartedly!) about their DC’s chattering too much and I was just thinking how much I would LOVE that right now. And seeing my DS next to the other kids his age highlights how much further behind he is than them. I’m trying my best to stay positive though, he’s (mostly) a very happy little boy, and there are things he is very good at so I try to focus on those positives like you’ve said

I know what you mean - in the nicest possible way it is nice to know someone gets how I feel and what we’re going through. When I read your post earlier it felt like I was reading something I’d written myself!

When DS was just turned one, we suspected he had an issue with his hearing so after a few appointments and tests they said his hearing was very very poor, he had bad glue ear and needed grommets. He didn’t get them til he was 1yr 8 months due to waiting lists, then 3 months later at a check up we found they’d come out and his glue ear was back. He wasn’t speaking by this point but we always put it down to him not being able to hear properly. He’s been in nursery since just over 1, for 2 days a week and they asked me to go in for a chat about his development just before he turned 2 where they said he was behind in a few areas. It was stuff we already knew, and had put down to his hearing but we started to worry if it was more than that so took him to the drs just before his 2nd birthday. When we started looking for it we saw a lot of indicators that it was much more than his hearing and GP and HV agreed when I made appointments with them, it’s likely he does have ASD. So we’ve been on the waiting lists since March but have been told it’ll be end of this year before we see any specialists. We do have his first SALT session on Friday though - you mentioned you didn’t really find them too helpful for your DS? Xxx

Oh my god how long is my post 🙈 xxx