Anger issues and temper

[Tina3]

Hi All
Sorry if this is a bit long and at the outset I would
Like to say that I know most of it is my fault, I regret it. Please no abuse. I am seeking advice as I am already very devastated. Please don’t make it worse.

My DD, 10, has been struggling with friendships at school for the past 2 years (in a new school). I have tried everything from talking to her, talking to the teachers as well as headteacher and arranging lots of play dates. Nothing much changed.

Today, one of her classmates was passing us by after school and I got chatting with her while DD was on the swings. I casually asked the girl why DD doesn’t have any friends. The little girl, bless her was so candid and said DD needs to work on her temper. She gets very angry and frustrated with others and then she walks off (in a strop I am guessing!). She said that DD is very nice and since she joined school in the middle of year 4, the other girls were really not that interested in her. They tried but DD asked them silly questions or got angry. That’s why they all hate DD! Not sure what DD is getting angry at?

OMG I can’t stop crying since. My partner and I are forever rowing. Proper screaming and shouting. I have no qualms in saying that he brings out the worst in me, almost animal like behaviour. DD watched it all. She doesn’t like him anymore. He isn’t t her dad. We have no contact with her father as he left me for another woman. My OH is a selfish, tight fisted and mean person. He convinced me to leave my job, sell my house and move 500 miles to be with him! I have in and realised what a fool I have been. I am only destined to be cheated in love!

I am worried that DD is watching me react to OH by shouting, getting very cross, throwing things and then howling. I can’t help myself. I feel so sorry for myself. I have lost my confidence. Have no friends in this new place. And worst of all I now have validation that my darling DD is picking up on these nasty fights and becoming foul tempered herself.

I have a plan to leave OH in a few months, as soon as I am back on my own feet. But in the next few months I can’t afford to ruin my DD’s life further.

How can I stop reacting to the OH? And how do I help DD?

I can’t afford anger management as OH is very tight and doesn’t give me any money.

Is it too late? Have I ruined DD and scared her

We need help.

I’d say your daughter is very damaged by you and your partner and the life you live. I can only imagine the stress she is enduring on a daily basis. Can you leave and go to a refuge so she does not have to witness screaming, shouting, physical violence and howling??

Please contact women's aid. They will help you.

It is not normal or ok to scream and shout I front of your kids, and I have had to reign myself in a few times.

Please protect your kids before they are damaged by this

Sweetheart go and get help from Women's Aid. Be kind to yourself and DD.
In the meantime when a row kicks off, try and move to another room. Really force yourself not to get riled up.

I can’t help myself.

Yes, you can. You can control your emotions. You can walk away. You can choke down your anger and say nothing. WHATEVER you have to do to not act like a lunatic in front of your child. It's no surprise she is modelling your behaviour because that's what children do. We are all products of our environment, so I suggest you change yours as quickly as humanly possible. Leave today. Call your family and friends for help and just go.

You poor thing. I'm really glad you've realised this now when it's not too late to change everything. Did your own parents lose their tempers easily?

I've no advice about how to keep your temper as I'm a holder inner which isn't good for mental health either. The three reactions to stress and danger are fight, flight or freeze and I'm a freezer and a flighter, and rarely a fighter. Seems you and DD are fighters! My DS is a fighter flighter - he shouts and then he runs off. Thankfully less so as he gets older. I have to say, when I was going through an extremely stressful time I literally could feel rage bubbling up inside myself at the smallest things, and it's horrible. I'd imagine you are under that stress all the time with your DP and it won't go until you get out of there. I just get up and leave the room. I did start gritting my teeth at night though, obviously not healthy either to repress emotion.

I really just wanted to reassure you that your DD will be ok because you'll make sure she is. You love her more than anything and you're leaving your DP, and that will make a huge difference to her. I'd look at peaceful parenting and aha parenting so that you can help her express emotion in a healthy way.

Please leave as soon as possible and start working on you and your DD.