8 Year Ols Said Something inappropriate!

[TillyTots1234]

Hi,
I was called into the head teachers office after school today, he said he another boy “Put your hands down your trousers and play with yourself”. I’ve spoken to my son about why he’s said this, he said it was because the boy kept annoying him and when I asked him what he meant by “playing with”, he seemed confused and said he didn’t know, he just said it. He doesn’t know that “playing with yourself” can also be referenced as sexual, he was 8 three months ago, which is how the teacher took it but it wasn’t how my son meant it. The Head Teacher has said as it’s a safeguarding issue, then it would be reported to relevant authorities. Quite upset by the whole situation, I really don’t know what to think.

Any advice would be grateful!

He's probably heard it said by someone else at school. The stuff I've seen my ds's mates say at age 10/11 is unbelievable. Particularly one of them who spends most of his time with an older brother.

He doesn’t understand the meaning behind it though, that it could be perceived as masturbation. The school have taken it as he said it in a sexual way and are now going to be contacting relevant authorities. I’ve explained he is not exposed to anything as such at home, that may use these words and it’s certainly not something that would ever be said in the home. I’ve never even had to discuss “playing with yourself” with him because he doesn’t know what it means yet.

I work with 8 year olds, they can and do come out with things like this, and worse, sometimes much worse. Most of the time they don't fully understand what it means. At the very least they usually know its something they shouldn't be saying. They have usually heard things from older siblings/friends and of course social media and YouTube.

Sometimes it is a sign of age-inappropriate sexual knowledge which can be an indicator of abuse. The school are following safeguarding procedure by referring it to the authorities.

I would be asking my son exactly where he had heard it from and then having a good talk with him. He may not know what 'playing with yourself' refers to, but at 8 he will know that telling someone to put their hands down their pants is not appropriate.

He hasn’t heard it anywhere, he said trousers and not pants. He is young for his age and didn’t associate putting hands down trousers as playing with a persons genitals. we also have restrictions on You Tube and the internet, so there are no concerns with him hearing things like that there. What I’m trying to say as he doesn’t understand that it can have a sexual meaning and he said it without even realising it has a sexual meaning, he doesn’t even know what masturbation is.

He didn’t even know it’s not something he should say, he was confused about why it was wrong because he didn’t link it as a sexual thing, it was more word play that was used.

Well he must have heard it from somewhere If you are saying he says trousers not pants. You are not with him all of the time you don’t know for sure what he has heard. At this age there are children who talk like like this older than their years. My son is 10 now but two years ago at their leaving party ( we were moving house ) we had two of his friends referring to all sorts in the back of the car. My son didn’t have a clue what they were on about. He’s probably just heard it in the playground and you need to explain to him that some things other kids say even if they say them
At school may not be appropriate and he shouldn’t automatically assume that they are.

And I would be talking to him about why what he said was wrong.

When my ds was 8 he told his BFF that one day he would kiss him!! . Omg the school acted like he should be in the sex offenders reg! I left them to it tbh.
Nothing happened and nobody contacted me.
And he is still his bff....
And he now has a gf at 10. 8!!

I don't think SS will get too hot and bothered by this, OP, it really seems like he's repeating something he heard an older child say without any understanding of what it means. Try not to stress. I'd tell him the phrase is a bit rude and you don't want him saying it again, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it beyond that.

OK OP you know he didn't mean it sexually, isn't exposed to inappropriate sexual behaviour at home etc.

But school don't.

School can't just not report the kids with the seemingly nice Mum.
School have a duty of care if something flags up a concern and an 8 yo with understanding around masturbation like this would raise a flag.

It doesn't meant he DOES have that understanding, or that it's your fault he repeated it. It's possibly said by one of the big boys in the play ground or one of his peers who copied and older sibling.

But school don't know that so they have to act on the side of caution.

My DS once said something that was misconstrued at school when he was playing chase with some girls from his class.I was taken to the teacher when I picked him up from school. They made a huge deal out of something stupid ( he said " I touched your bum" when he managed to catch up and 'tig' a girl and she had protested he couldn't catch her). All totally innocent.
I was annoyed the teacher obviously didn't know my son well enough to know that he didn't mean anything by it and I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning we had to go and speak to the head and explain what had happened. My DS was mortified and made to feel like a criminal.

I understand school have a duty of care but what I’m trying to say is school have turned something that was said innocently (as not intended sexually), into sexual terms, which wasn’t what my son intended to say and they know that. I have explained to my son that it could mean something else such as telling him to play with his genitals but my son looked at me confused and said that’s not what i told him to do, I said it because he kept annoying me all break time. He is certain he’s not heard it from anywhere but maybe he has and my understanding is, it was said in a word play context.

Does your ds have older siblings that may have said this to him?
I’d kind of think it’s a bit of a strange thing for an 8 year old to come out with out of the blue

school have turned something that was said innocently (as not intended sexually), into sexual terms, which wasn’t what my son intended to say and they know that

But they have to report it. They can't not. As already mentioned, sexual talk at a young age can be an indicator of abuse where the child has been exposed to things they shouldn't have.

If your son hasn't, that's great. They'd rather report 100 incidents and them all be totally innocent than miss the one that actually needs intervention.

Google the Brook sexual behaviours traffic light tool. Even if he did mean it in a sexual way it's not necessarily out of line with his age. I wouldn't worry.

He has an older brother but it’s most certainly not something he’d say to him and they have very little interaction as his older brother spends most of his time in his room and he’s a very sensible lad. As I said he hasn’t heard it anywhere, he’s told me twice he hasn’t heard it anywhere, it seems more like word play than anything else but as we adults know it could mean something else sexually, then that’s how generally it’s portrayed. They know my son didn’t mean it in a sexual way and reached that conclusion after a discussion with him, he’s also been at the school for 4 years, so I’m surprised they’d escalate it to contacting the authorities, which I’m not concerned about, I’m more concerned this may make my son feel vilified for something that was taken in a different context. Anyway I’ve spoken to him and told him how adults may portray it and he now has some understanding.

Georgie - Thanks I’ll have a look. I just feel quite upset that it’s been portrayed as sexual, when it completely wasn’t. He’s a very sensible boy and he knows genitals are private. He didn’t say put your hand down your pants and play with your willy like he knew exactly what he meant. He didn’t even understand why what he said was wrong until I had to explain that adults can see things in different ways to what children mean.

and they know that but they don't know that, they have his word after he got in trouble and your word as his mum. I'm not saying you don't know your child, I'm saying on the surface they have to act on what was said, which has clear sexual connotations.

As a teacher, I had to report similar for the reasons mentioned above.

I understand that both of you are worried that something that was said innocently has been viewed through the lens of it being sexual. I’m sure it’s a horrible time for you but unfortunately it really does have to be investigated.

“Put your hands down your trousers and play with yourself” Is a very odd thing to randomly come up with and just taking it at face value, it is concerning and not age appropriate. Based on what you have said, I have no doubt whatsoever that it was entirely innocent on your son’s behalf and that he has no idea that he just commanded another child to masturbate. But the fact remains, whether he knows the meaning of what he said or not, he did actually command another child to masturbate and it is a totally unacceptable thing to say.

Based on my experience, this will be handled sensitively because at the heart of this will be the fact the adults involved will be concerned for your son rather than angry at them. My first thought would be, where has this child heard this kind of language? Is there any possibility that he is being abused? Not that he is “in trouble” and that he should be disciplined harshly.

I’m sorry but your son has to have heard this phrase somewhere. Most likely another child. I don’t for a second believe he just pulled that exact phrase out of his head. Even if he can’t consciously remember, someone around him, maybe in the playground has said it. There’s also the possibility that he does remember who said it but is too afraid/loyal to tell anyone? He might fear getting them into trouble?

Hopefully soon, a line can be drawn under this. Kids some out with some absolute corkers in all innocence and as professionals we know this. But sadly there are some cases where a phrase like this can be indicative of something very bad happening to a child and so we have to investigate every case of language like this. It’s tedious for us and anxiety provoking for you and the children involved but until people stop doing awful things to kids we need to keep looking into any red flags that crop up.

Hopefully now the school can help your son come up with some tactics and coping methods in how to deal with annoying behaviour in others and that they can gently explain for him that he shouldn’t use language like the phrase he said.

From what you said he sounds like a sweet boy and you sound like a fantastic parent who is doing all the right things.

I’d also be looking into why your son told the other boy to put his hands down his trousers because that is a strange thing to say. He could have just said “Go and play by yourself” but he didn’t, he said “Put your hand down your trousers” so I’d be looking at exactly why your son chose to use those words because it could make a huge difference.

For instance; “Ben, why did you say to Callum that he should put his hands down his trousers?”

Ben: “Because he was annoying me”

“In what way was he annoying you?”

“He kept following me around saying I had to play with him and he tried to put his hand down MY trousers so I said “put your hand down YOUR trousers and play with yourself!”

I’ve seen variations on that sort of scenario time and time again. A child retaliates, doing something quite disturbing and when you get to the bottom of it it’s been because it was initiated by another child and all of a sudden we have to raise CP concerns over the child who initially appeared to be the “victim” for wont of a better word.

As I said, it’s vital these things are investigated.

There was no sexual reference to what he said, only the teacher who took it as he said it in a sexual way, if he said put your hands down your pants and play with your penis, I could understand why this would be perceived as something else. I have had another conversation regarding the boy, who he’s had problems with for a long time. He was pulling his jumper and telling him to play with him, my son said then said “Put your hands down your trousers and play with himself” I asked him why he said this and he said he just wanted the said boy to go off and play with himself. I could understand if he said this and knew exactly what it could mean and said it during a conversation but it was followed on from the boy annoying my son.

I think you might have to try and see this from the school's point of view rather than yours. Your son has used a sexual phrase (even though he doesn't understand its meaning). They need to investigate where the knowledge of the phrase has come from. If he's heard it from another child, that child might know it because he's being told to do it by an abusing adult. The school's investigation might just save another child years of abuse.

Yes I understand where the school is coming from I completely understand, which is why I said I’m happy for them to contact the relevant authorities, as I know these things are a formality. They understand that he doesn’t have any understanding behind what was said and he didn’t say it in a sexual reference, as how an adult would portray it. It was something that was said innocently with no understanding of what it could mean and not said in a way it could have been intended to say. Anyway thanks for all the replies!

People tell their kids to ‘take their hands out of their pants’ and not to be ‘playing with yourself’ as an old fashioned stock phrase when trying to teach kids not to do it in public. I’m sure he’s heard it somewhere as a negative thing and just used it in reverse as a taunt.