My 12 year old niece is stealing

[Pillowcase99]

I regularly look after my niece (dbs daughter), who is almost 12. I've noticed on several occasions, on leaving my house she'll have pocketed several of my 4yo dds colourful pens or something similar, and it'll usually fall out of her pocket before she leaves, or I'll notice it bulging in her pocket and pull her up on it at the time. I'm probably not as sternly as i should be, i guess because i'm so surprised it's happened and what she's taking is usually not very valuable. I do now watch her though and that's not great.

Tonight i was at her place and dd had been in her bed watching something on the ipad while dn was doing homework, and the ipad was left in the bed at dinnertime. Before leaving their house, i was by her bedroom (off the lounge, it's a bungalow) and i saw her notice the ipad and quickly cover it with her blankets. I then asked dd loudly where the ipad was, and dn ran into her room and got it. I'm pretty sure that if i had have forgotten it, she was intending to use it and keep it without telling me.

I didn't pull her up on it though. Which now i'm regretting.

For context, she and her younger db live primarily with her dad (my db) and they see her very emotionally unstable mother every second weekend. The split has not been amicable and i know that her dm says awful things about her dad and our family (which is against the court order to denigrate the other party). I don't know if this normal behaviour for her age, possibly related to the issues with her mum, or just bad behaviour that needs to be dealt with in its own right.

Should i raise my concerns with my db, her dad, and if so how do i do this sensitively? Or should i talk to her on her own about stealing and it's potential ramifications? She's otherwise very responsible, mature and a lovely girl who i trust, no behavioural issues at school. I think she's just a bit sneaky, and maybe she's acting on it now.

Interested to hear your experiences, ideas on how to deal with it etc please!

Anyone?

If you see her regularly, why not have a talk with her? Not accusations, just asking, why? Maybe she feels she has less than your dd (who has a mother full time) and is trying to fill an empty spot with "things". Do tell her what would happen if she were caught at school, or a shop or at a friend's house. Be someone she can talk with about her problems.

I would have a chat with her on her own as a starting point. It sounds like there is a lot going on in her life and tbh it would be usual if she wasn't acting up in one way or another. Regardless of the ins and outs she probably misses her mum and sees her cousin with you so I would view taking your daughter's stuff as a bit of a "why should she have everything" reaction.

Hopefully she will open up to you, it sounds like it might be a good idea for her to see someone she can talk to if there are children's counselling services in your area (I'm in Aus so my info on services is no use to you). I think if you are pretty non judgemental about it and tell her you know she is having a tough time but stealing is not ok and if she does it outside the family it could have serious consequences for her you should make her think. Even if she is not receptive she will know you are aware of her behaviour and will hopefully stop. If that doesn't sort things then you will need to speak to your brother, good luck.

Thanks Georgiagirl, i think that's a really good idea. The only issue is that my dd is always with us when i'm there, and is pretty obsessed with her big cousin, so we don't really get much of a chance to talk these days. I probably need to try a bit harder particularly at her age.

Thanks snows i'm actually in australia too so you could have some helpful advice!! Do share

If you are in Sydney, Kyds (based in Lindfield on the North Shore) is a great, free counselling service for young people. I work as a mediator/child consultant and usually suggest it to parents when kids are struggling. The Anchor Project works with families and kids post separation where there is high conflict or complex family dynamics (mental health, addiction etc.) Main office is in Parramatta but they work out of other Uniting offices too. They run some group programmes that can be good to help kids normalise a changed family situation. They do some fantastic work but usually have a waiting list (it's another free service).

If she is in a public school there will be a school counsellor but they are often stretched pretty thinly between a few different schools, most private schools will have their own. School culture often dictates whether it's ok or not to access the counsellor though which can be exasperating.

Your brother might find some of the parenting courses like Tuning Into Teens useful if he has found himself as a lone parent. The Families NSW website has a lot of useful info. Apologies you are outside NSW as obviously my info is State specific. John Gottman's "Emotion Coaching for Kids" is also great for strategies around communicating with kids and young people, it's accessible online.

Thanks for all that snowsinwater, we're in Sydney so that's all really relevant stuff. She was seeing a counsellor a while ago at school so it seems like it's on offer, i might suggest she starts going again. I'll look into the other bits you mentioned too

Just as an update, I've raised it gently with my brother, not to do anything about the specific incident but in general. He looked pretty shocked, asked questions to make sure he understood what happened and said "she knows better than that", looking a bit concerned and thanked me. I'm not sure what he's going to do but I'm happy that I haven't completely ignored it.