DH unsupportive when I don't want to leave DS to cry it out

[shhhhs]

Our toddler is currently going through a pretty sleep depriving sleep regression and DH and I can't agree how to handle it. DH just wants him to cry it out until asleep whereas I just can't do that. I leave him for a while but when I then go to settle him I get told I'm breaking consistancy and delaying the settling down. I feel so frustrated!!

I do feel for you, OP. It's awful when a baby or toddler won't sleep. Both you and your DH must be utterly exhausted.
I sleep-trained my DD at 14 months and she was sleeping through the night after two nights of doing it.

I'm afraid your DH is right. Consistency is the key here. At the moment your baby hasn't a clue what you're doing. You are giving him mixed messages. Much better to bite the bullet and do the CIO properly. If you're both consistent and firm, and stick with it, it does only take two nights. Sometimes three.

My DD lasted four hours of crying on the first night (I went in every so often but didn't pick her up - I just literally popped in so that she knew she hadn't been abandoned) and on the second night, the sleep training took an hour and a half. On the third night she'd figured out what was going on and didn't bother to wake up.

It was brilliant. This is a link to the book that helped us.

www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_ss_i_3_14&crid=13CBJ1VU9BM3J&sprefix=richard+ferber%2Caps%2C150&k=richard+ferber+solve+your+childs+sleep+problems&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I wouldn't do CIO and wouldn't let me husband do it either. Have you tried other methods? There's usually always a bit of crying involved but I couldn't sit and listen to my baby cry for hours on end.

I would never do CIO, I wouldn’t leave an adult to cry never mind a very small child who does not have the skills to self comfort. There are other ways of sleeping training or just bring him into your bed for snuggles.

I wouldn’t do CIO either. It’s cruel. I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old who sleeps very badly. I’m desperate for sleep but there is no way I would ever do this.

Mostly my 2 year old sleeps through but sometimes she needs more help and love to get to sleep. One of her stays with her when she needs it. These phases never last long. We don’t leave her to cry and never have, never will.

*us not her

I could never do it to my dc, I tried but just couldn't.
Some people can and it works very well but it also depends on the dc.
My mother was advised to do it and I would scream for hours and hold my breath. It would get to the point where I would be sick or dizzy and then I would scream more.
You have to do what's best for your dc and what's best for you.

You don't have to do CIO, but doing it halfway like you are won't work, as a PP, and yoyr DH says, consistancy is key.

We did sleep training at 6 months with our DS, but we were completely decided on what we were going to do. It took a few nights, but we did see progress after just 2 nights. I firmly believe I'd have ended up ill from lack of sleep, and My DH and I didn't sleep in the same bed at the same time for 6 months either.

You aren’t delaying the settling down because CIO doesn’t create ‘settling down’ Your LO stops crying because they learn nobody is coming and shut down.

CIO is cruel and damaging to children. Tell your DH to do one and go comfort your child. I’d also make sure that next time your DH is feeling upset about something that you give him a ssshh and a pat and leave the room!

I have never done CIO.

But if you agreed to do and not sticking to it, I can see how that's frustrating dh.

I would simply te him, you wont do it.

I could never do CIO. Four hours of listening to your child cry

My DD now 5yo was a really terrible sleeper as a baby/toddler. Nothing particularly worked, just had to sort of ride it out and mostly co-slept. She’s a great sleeper now at 5- all night in her own bed, and I actually find myself sort of missing being snuggled up co-sleeping with her! It doesn’t last forever and I’d much rather that than listening to her cry for four hours without doing anything and her learning I wasn’t coming to comfort her. Stick to your guns, OP.

I actually don’t think CIO is evil and ‘cruel’. Children need to sleep and so do parents, most sleep training, even ‘gentle’ forms of it do involve some crying as it’s something new and this is normal. There are other things you can try if you’re not comfortable with that method. Discuss it with your husband and agree on what you’ll do!

Agree with PPs that you'll get nowhere being inconsistent, so I'd just go comfort your child straight away every time. How old are they?

I will never understand why people think it is ok to leave a baby on its own crying for help and ignore it. Of course it’s cruel. I used to think maybe I don’t understand because I’ve never suffered such sleep deprivation but now I speak as someone who’s been woke up ever hour for 6 months and who also has a toddler to deal with all day every day. There is still no way I could do it. It is selfish. There are gentler ways our there so try that. Like Pp says sometimes it’s best to ride out the sleep difficulties without neglecting your child.

If CIO means leave your child crying, alone for hours till they fall asleep it is cruel.

Most people mean leave child to cry but go in every 5 or 10 mins to reassure them they are not abandoned but they are not coming out of bed. They learn they aren't getting out of bed and go to sleep.

You have to be consistent though if you go in and lie beside him/read stories or whatever then he learns "I have to cry really loud for xx mins then she will stay in/pick me up"

I left my ds to cry it out and I shall regret it forever. The guilt still haunts me. I believe that you should trust your instinct here.

Try controlled crying instead of CIO.

We've had to do CIO on a few occasions where she has got herself over tired and can't be comforted.

You both need to pick a sleep training technique and stick to it.

I'm another one who thinks CIO is cruel and uncaring....... I've had non sleeping DC too, but it passes and both are extremely good sleepers now,

@Chottie how long did it take to pass? My almost 16 month old still doesn't sleep through.. I can't do cio

What LL83 said. Comfort for a few moments but don't lift or cuddle and then leave the room again. They know you are about but also learn they are in bed for the night. Lifting for a cuddle shows they can get their own way.

@Smurf123
My DS was the worst sleeper. He was a very happy baby / toddler, but he just didn't need a lot of sleep. He is now an adult and still doesn't need hours and hours of sleep. He started to sleep regularly through the night by the age of 4.

I wouldn't do cry it out either. We wouldn't do it to an adult so I can't understand why society thinks it okay to do it to little people. I think it's utterly inhumane and it doesn't teach little ones to self settle it just teaches them that no one will come and help them. Maybe you could get the Gentle Sleep book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith and education your partner about the damaging impact of CIO.

I opened the thread assuming we were talking about a tiny baby, not a toddler.

I think you need to toughen up. If I were your husband, I would be tempted to sleep downstairs and tell you that if you don'T want to sleep train, YOU can be responsible for dealing with the endless night wakings.

@Kokeshi123 wow. There is a VERY big difference between gentle sleep training techniques and leaving the child to cry themselves to sleep because essentially they go into a state of helplessness knowing no one is coming. No matter how old the baby, toddler or child is, if they are genuinely upset and crying it is cruel to leave them to do this for hours on end.

CIO and controlled crying are very different!! You could try Ferber controlled crying, you do have to religiously stick to the method though or like a pp says you end up sending mixed messages. There are gentler methods such as no-cry and gradual retreat. I think you need to research what would suit your family best and then stick to it for a week and see if you make progress. Sleep deprivation is rotten, for both the parents and the child!

You need to make a plan you're both happy with and stick to it.

If leaving to cry isn't what you want to do then make this a condition of the plan. Ask him what he wants from the plan. Nobody wants to leave their child crying so the motivation towards this kind of sleep training is usually something like it working fast or being minimal input from the parents. Which one of those is important to him? If you find out what's important to both of you you can probably find a solution which fits both parts.