Really struggling.

[Poppy1774]

Hi could I have some advice please. I have a 6mo dc who is delightful - happy and a good sleeper. However I am really struggling. Lots of things, I had a difficult birth and every intervention that I was hoping to avoid I ended up having. I was on the drip for 3 hours before an epidural and it was utter agony. I keep getting flashbacks to it whilst also beating myself up for being a wimp and having an epidural. I would never think anybody else who had an epidural (as a lot of my friends have had) was a wimp. I don’t know why i’m So hard on myself. Breastfeeding was so so difficult ended up in hospital in week 2 with mastitis. However persevered and am now mix feeding but I found the whole experience really hard and I want to stop bfing now but don’t know how and feel guilty. I think I should go to all these baby groups but tbh I don’t enjoy them at all. I would rather be at home and see the friends I live near but I worry I am missing out. I did an nct course but it’s totally split into different groups and I get invited to everything which ok is very nice but I don’t know how to say no.
Today I went to a baby group and it was a nightmare - traffic, parking, really busy - would rather have been at home. When I was trying to park I felt myself getting really hot and breathing quickly and panicky. I had horrible flashbacks to being on the drip. I know loads of women have the drip I don’t know why I can’t get over it.
I often get a drive thru McDonald’s when baby sleeping for lunch which I feel so embarrassed and guilty about.
I can’t sleep because I worry about dc getting hurt through my stupidity or something horrible happening to him and I often grind my teeth and my shoulders hurt all the time.
Help I just feel so lost. I feel like i’m Drowning. My dh also has a hospital appointment tomorrow as he is not feeling well so am worried about that.

All of this is easier said than done I know, but:

• does the hospital you gave birth at run any birth reflections services? I found it immensely helped me, I was experiencing the same, but of course everyone is different and it isn't a magic wand. It could be the first step though, or put you in contact with people who can help, do you think it's possibly you may have PTSD?

• you've done amazing at BF'ing, if you feel the time is right then absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your little one will be fine on formula.

• if you don't like the baby groups then don't go I know it sounds simple, and I felt guilty for not always being busy and taking baby to groups; but then I thought it's not worth it. I went to a few that I enjoyed and I know baby seemed to get on well with, but all were close by so no driving and no pressure if we didn't feel up to it. Same for the NCT meet ups, I wouldn't say you don't want to be involved anymore as you may reach a place where you do want to meet up, but I think parents should understand.

• don't feel guilty about the mc Donald's, admittedly it might make you feel worse (junk food does to me), but as long as you aren't overstretching yourself financially to have it, then for now just have it. Again, when you're in a better place you'll probably feel more inclined to do take steps to have something healthier for lunch.

• sorry to hear about your DH, hope everything goes well.

In all of this, please be kind to yourself and reach out for support if you need it. I found my health visitor to be really helpful.

I had ptsd from birth trauma and it sounds like you might have this if you are having flashbacks and getting panicky thinking about the drip.

I was in a really bad place with it but I recovered with 12 sessions of cbt.

Maybe google the symptoms and see if it sounds familiar? And maybe book an appointment with your gp or talk to your health visitor to talk about how you are feeling.

I also wanted to say you are 100% not a wimp for having an epidural. I’ve given birth twice, once with an epidural and one without. There’s no prizes for being a martyr and denying yourself pain relief that you need during labour. I had the drip too. The pain was unreal and I wouldn’t wish it on worst enemy. You did the right thing in the moment. Don’t feel like a wimp for that.

Tell your gp how you feel. There is support out there.

I breastfed for 4 months and I have to admit giving up was the best thing I could have done. I wasn't coping. I struggled to feed him. He had an undiagnosed tongue tie and I got mastitis twice. I was self conscious feeding in public. Once I started bottle feeding I felt freer. Other people could help. He didn't need to feed every 45 minutes as he was feeding more efficiently from the bottle. I could stop worrying about the feeding and concentrate on other things.

If baby groups are overwhelming, don't go. For many months my routine with my son was just to go and sit in the garden under a tree and have lunch and a walk to get a coffee and back.

Speak to your gp. I had pnd, I was obsessed with thinking I was going to hurt my baby. I would cry and cry for hours. I couldn't get dressed, I ate shit, I felt utterly hopeless. I was put on anti depressants which I was initially against but I think that pulled me out of my black hole. They gave me the clarity to start mending myself and I weaned off of them within a year with no ill effects.

It gets easier, I promise. Give yourself a break. Take it slow. You're doing just fine.

The drip is barbaric and you are a champion for having it for 3 hours. I lasted 3 minutes – with the epidural already in place – and threatened to jump out of the window unless they gave me a c-section. Don't feel like a wimp. And who cares if you are/were "wimpy"?! You don't get a better baby out of it if you handle pain better.

Sod the groups, especially if they make you panic. Take the baby to see your friends; go to parks, museums, galleries, things you actually want to do instead of feeling you should do. Your baby will learn and grow and be happy whether it's in a church hall with a load of other babies or home with you.

Talk to your GP about the anxiety. Treat yourself kindly. The McDonald's is fine but you will eventually be better off with a healthier diet, but don't beat yourself up about it. You're surviving. It's hard.

Thank you for your replies everyone .
I spoke to dh yesterday and I decided I am just going to stop going to these groups. I keep thinking I'll miss out on 'mum friends' but I'm lucky in that I have lots of nice people nearby so I don't feel lonely. I also rang my MIL and asked for help and she's helping out twice this week to give me a break which will be so helpful.

Thanks for all your comments on the drip. It really was the most horrendous thing I have ever experienced. I know that childbirth is painful but it just hit me like a truck. It was awful!

I think the anxiety really gets me down. I worry so much about accidentally hurting him. I'll see if having a more chilled few days will help, but if not I will go to the GP. Thanks again everyone