Am I catastrophising?

[sweetiepie1979]

I know I've spelt that wrong!
I'm so angry and annoyed by this I think I need talked down or help to process and move on.
Husband and I went to a wedding at weekend so we were away 36 hours without our 2 daughters age 5&7.
A very good fiend was kind enough to come and stay for all that time and she is very good with the girls in her 40s no kids of her own would love some not married either. She took them on their classes etc and looked after them well BUT she has a new boyfriend now going out 3 months and he cane to stay and I had said that was fine. However my youngest had a bad cough during the night and she took her in to bed with her and new boyfriend. She said she wanted to prop her up and just get some sleep. I said was he comfortable with that? And asked again did she sleep in the bed with you both? She knew I was t happy but as girls were there when we spoke I cold t make a fuss. Have spoken to eldest this morning who said they all got in to bed together on the Sun morning and played and read stories in bed he was only wearing his pants and no top. I know they would have been safe it's the invasion of my family unit I don't like! That's our job as parents to do that playing in bed on Sunday morning and to think he had no top in etc plus my girls met him only once before for about 10 mins! And so have we! I'm so angry that he was lying in bed with my children while I think my friend was trying to play happy families with my kids. Plus my girls are very touchy freely and they are still learning those boundaries with people plus they are constantly talking about Vaginas at the moment! My friend met this guy on the internet she hasn't met any of his friends yet she has met his mum. I feel invaded by them Do I have a right to be angry about this?

You are being over dramatic OP on the aspect of that’s your job on a Sunday morning as parents... you weren’t there!!!
Clearly the kids are used to that type of weekend morning so why be surprised that they would do the same??
Id probably have said no to the bf staying over if I was you as you open up a kettle of fish (which has resulted in you being annoyed).
Ultimately your friend did you a favour, had your children, you said her bf could stay over. Your child got poorly and she put her in their bed. End of.

Finished too early, end of story.....
I’d be grateful she helped out and just leave it at that

That's totally out of line behaviour from your friend and her partner. On what planet could she possibly think that it's ok to have an almost naked stranger (to your kids) in bed with your children?

Well she did you a big favour by staying for the whole weekend - it must have been a great break. But I would not be happy at all about the Sunday morning business. You can’t do anything about it now though.
Nothing was agreed beforehand so in her mind she didn’t break any rules. In fact you agreed to let her boyfriend stay?
You will probably lose a friend if you make a fuss.
Just don’t put your kids in that position again. It’s not worth it.

I also think that if you’re kids have only met someone for 10mins previously and you have too... why on earth would you let them sleep in your house?!

You shouldn't have allowed him to stay. Also I think you're being unkind to your friend regarding her childlessness, she's not trying to steal your kids/life she's doing you a massive favour.
I agree with you that it's inappropriate for a stranger to play with your kids in their pants though.

Yes your all right.....
I know they have been inseparable since they met and I was grateful to her for staying for the baby sitting I didn't feel I'd need to state something g so obvious like dont put my children in a bed with you and your boyfriend .... I'd imagined him Coming round after bedtime... that was stupid of me not to be clear so my anger is also at myself.
I do need to move on and try and not hold a grudge ...... but I'm raging.....

Wait, you're more upset that she was playing happy families rather than the fact there is a strange half naked man sharing a bed with your children?

You keep switching between both concerns but it seems that you're most angry about your friend "trying to play happy families with my kids".

Either way, YABU to be upset that your friend was having fun with your DC.
YANBU to be absolutely furious that you're DC shared a bed with a strange man.

And personally, I'm shocked you allowed him to stay at all.

No I didn't say I was more upset about the happy families bit did I? I'm upset about the whole thing..... I know she is desperate for a family of her own and ithe whole thing makes me feel so uncomfortable it seems it's my fault then for not being clearer we have been friends go 20 years I really didn't think that she would do that she knows that that kind of thing would annoy me she knows me really well....
she looked kind of nervous when we came home my husband picked up on that.
I've said I realise I was in the weing not to set the boundaries does anybody have any advice on my next step ?

There's no suggestion here that your children were alone with him. They were with your best friend who I assume you trust to look after your children...I'm not sure I could get too worked up about a man without a top on.

Bit odd that she couldn't be without him for a night. And odd that he wanted to stay...
I wouldn't be happy about my dd's being in bed with a virtual stranger. Be a bit odd discussing boundaries now when they have done the opposite of acceptable imo.

hmm, this is a tricky one.
I can see both sides.
What she did was not a good idea, it wasn't good practice and there were too many things that could have gone wrong.
But on the other hand, she was there all the time, and you trust her, and the kids just had a 'normal' Sunday morning, and she did you a huge favour staying all weekend.

This is one of those situations where it is easy to be wise after the event, but I would not have allowed the boyfriend to stay if you don't know him well.

as to what you do now, you leave it,and in the future you make your expectations much more clear.

Don’t ‘do’ anything. Your anger is your stuff. I agree with pp that you’re being unkind about your friend.
And be honest with yourself. You did complain about ... the invasion of my family unit I don't like! That's our job as parents to do that playing in bed on Sunday morning.
What on earth is that it if it’s not possessiveness?

Hang on, she brought them into bed with her BF in his underwear. That is seriously inappropriate. The night coughing is one thing but the next morning is a whole other thing.
Just because people are doing us a favour doesn’t mean they can do what they want with our children.
I get the ‘happy families’ bit as I have a SIL who is constantly trying to do this and pretend she and BIL are the parents of our kids. But I would let that bit go. I would be seriously unimpressed with the Sunday morning bit.
In hindsight you should have said no to the BF, but again she was doing you a favour? So I don’t think YABU at all.

Bold fail it's the invasion of my family unit I don't like! That's our job as parents to do that playing in bed on Sunday morning.

A normal Sunday morning is not being in bed with a complete stranger in his underwear??? How is recreating a normal Sunday morning?!

I think this comment I've made about that's 'our job on a Sunday morning' clearly sounding stupid to you a lot of you I can see that reading the comment just like that it does sound possessive etc. She lived with us for about 6 months a couple of years ago and it was tricky at times like we were both trying to parent and she was actually g like 'fun mum" while I was cleaning! I think probably I am a little possessive because of those 6 months she was trying g to sell her flat and save money so she could adopt so we told her to move in with us. The children totally adore her and truth be told sometimes I feel a wee bit jealous of her fun relationship with them because My 7 year old gives me a hell of a time!
That is where that comment came from and that says more about me than her I get that's my problem ......

Man in pants first thing would be unacceptable given the chances of morning wood being noticed!
Sorry tmi but it's a fact!

What do you think he would do with his 'morning wood' though? Make a tent for the girls? Give people some shred of decency. FFS.

It’s inappropriate for a non relative to be in bed with two little girls of 5 and 7 let alone a total stranger to them. Your friend is lacking in both common sense and boundaries is the most polite thing I can say. None of my female friends would need telling not to do this and none of my male friends would let two little girls into their bed unless they had a long term relationship with the children’s mother

Would seeing a man who is a stranger with an erection be appropriate for 2 little girls? Or 2 little boys! Didn't suggest he would do anything!

I think probably I am a little possessive because of those 6 months she was trying to sell her flat and save money so she could adopt so we told her to move in with us

What happened with the ‘adoption’?

walk you're a bit obsessed with this entirely theoretical stiffy. Are you okay?

She withdrew right at the end of the process of adoption she felt overwhelmed by being on her own with a child.
I'm so annoyed at myself!

I’m not really sure what you can do regarding your friend now, after the fact. But you now know you can’t trust her judgement. Whether or not you confront her is another issue.

For me, I only leave my young children with family. I just find that friends, none of mine have their own children, just don’t seem to have the same outlook as me. I work in safeguarding and I’m pretty paranoid though.