Want to enjoy being Mum

[Chip22]

I'm not sure if anyone will be able to suggest anything but I'm at the stage where I feel like anything is worth a try.

FTM to DD 18 weeks and I'm feeling mentally, physically and emotionally worn out. My friends who are also on mat leave seem to be enjoying it, I just feel like I must be missing something. People keep saying it gets easier but so far it just seems to get harder.

DD is EBF and she feeds at least 14 times a day, it's impossible to express to get a break because I'm always feeding her. I've been told my supply is more than adequate.

Trying to make her sleep is like pulling teeth, I often spend the whole evening in the bedroom with her, which makes eating dinner and doing anything for me very difficult. I can't remember the last time I watched any tv. There is no reliable way to make her nap. She might sleep for up to 3/4 hr stretches at night but equally might be up 8 times a night. I'm starting to feel like there's no point going out in case I can persuade her to nap. I've tried co sleeping although it's not something I'm keen on but I found the recommended position too uncomfortable to get much sleep.

DH tries to help but he's a shift worker with long hours, and it feels like there's not much he can do when it's always boob she wants. I have no idea when we last DTD... My mum and other relatives do what they can but again there's only so much they can do. They often stress me out with advice like "just wean her early and everything will be ok." I know they're well meaning because they literally dote on DD but it still frustrates me.

She won't tolerate more than 5-10 mins not being held during the day and doesn't seem to like the sling now. I've ordered a carrier to try instead in case that helps. It feels like most of the day she is either crying or feeding, which makes me sad because I feel I can't be meeting her needs somehow and I just want her to be happy.

Thanks if you managed to read all of this and in advance for any advice!

No advice but sympathises.DS will be 18 weeks coming up and similar. I wish I had a break to express! And the comments about solids .....

However he had silent reflux (never vomited but could smell sick on him) and after a LOT of trial and error came down to forceful let down. So milk coming out to fast for him, windy, swallowing lots of air, only getting foremilk so never satiated and loose Nappies as it’s harder to digest. No-one healthcare related even suggested it could be BF related (did 10 weeks dairy free at their suggestion .... ). Finally came across a la leche league advice page when he started choking during feeds

We now lie down to feed and whilst it’s a lot of time lying in the bedroom, I get a break between feeds and can actual play/read/go out with him.He still never naps but will go 6/7 hours in the night.

Oh and if your baby is EBF, it’s very normal to not have time to express until they start dropping feeds, apparently

I just cried when someone posted about their baby sleeping 12 hours a night. My baby has been waking up every hour from 7pm to 3am, then sleeps 2 hours and wakes up 5am, 6am, 7am... It's so so hard to enjoy much when you're so sleep deprived so much crying involved too trying to get her back to sleep or to take a nap.

You’re doing an amazing job!!!!!

Breastfeeding can be so draining. It WILL get easier, but I’m afraid you just need to hang in there and find little things that will keep you going in the meantime. Going out for a nice coffee and cake, a long shower, a walk by yourself, reading a good book or listening to some great music or a podcast, doing ten minutes of yoga in your PJs or whatever else helps you. Try to build in little breaks where you can. If it gets too much, put her down somewhere safe and get some fresh air in the garden. Your needs and important too and it won’t do her any harm to be left alone for a few minutes while you take some deep breaths. Being a new mum is hard anyway and some babies are just harder than others. I repeat it WILL get easier - it just doesn’t seem like that right now as you’re so exhausted. Some babies hate being babies and are suddenly content when they get more mobile.

Even if there doesn’t seem much point, get out for a walk every day - it’s good for your well being and even if the baby cries it’s never as grating outdoors. And if you do feel it’s all really too much and you’re not in a good place mentally please speak to your HV or GP.

Big hugs.

Hugs to you. Personally I'd give up trying to settle her for bed in the evening. Take her downstairs, watch some TV and then go up when you're ready. My OH works away a lot so in the early days I'd watch TV on my iPad in bed with DS in with me or in the cot so at least I got some down time.

Will she take a dummy? That might help if she's looking for comfort. Are you getting out and about? That made a big difference in my mental health, just getting out for a walk or to the shop helped compared to those days we were in the house all day.

This sounds totally normal for age & stage so please don't feel your doing anything wrong. Other people will be going through the same but don't have the balls to admit it. Babies are hard work, frustrating, leave you guessing, tearing your hair out and leave you thinking 'why did we do this?!!'. But we are made to believe that babies sleep (ermmm only one in a billion babies that are anomalies do!!) They coo (they scream, and cry, and poop, and cry, and sick and poop.......) and are generally happy when the reality is that they are little limpets, they need you, they need your touch, reassurance, smell, boobs and that is really hard work physically and mentally - but that doesn't sound good in a baby book!!
Your at the most exhausting part, plus maybe 4month sleep regression. It's all an incredibly steep learning curve but you will feel more comfortable with it in time. Everyone is different but it was about 10-12months before I felt like a 'mum'.

As others have said rule out reflux/allergies as these can make grumpy babies (we had both) but just give yourself a pat on the back for making it to now plus breastfeeding all that time. You can always introduce a bottle of formula if your happy to do this to allow yourself a break, it's really important to grab a little piece of you. Hugs x

I can relate to a lot of your post. You sound like you really care and are a good mum. I personally didn’t enjoy having a baby at all, sad but true. Not sure if it was that I had suffered depression when pregnant with my first which did not go away or a combination of this and the sheer isolation I found when having a baby. I have gone on to have more kids and it not been as bad with my third. I now have a routine with school so that’s helped. Not everyone enjoys the baby stage don’t feel bad for not enjoying it as much as you want x

Tooooootally understand how I'm going to be shot down in flames, I could really do without it to be honest but I can't not say anything, but.... stop breastfeeding. Honestly, the physical and mental drain cannot be underestimated and you deserve to be happy. There is not one person one this whole god dam planet that wins an award for the way they gave birth or the way the feed, nor might i add will ur child become a genius because of either. Start bottle feeding, get ur body and mind back and u will enjoy your baby and mat leave a whole lot more.
I have an 18mo and 2week old, not breastfeeding has been the best decision i made!! X

Don’t worry .. motherhood is very hard work . And anybody who says they are not feeling fed up with it all are either lying or not with their children much of the time
Nobody can prepare you ..wether you are 16 or 46 it’s still a complete shock to your system ...
but keep hanging in there .... you will adjust .. and learn along the way
To be honest the years fly by .. and suddenly they don’t need you as much and then ... that’s a shock to the system too
Get as much support as you can and never be too proud to take advice from those who know 😀👍
Good luck .. I am sure one day you will look back and miss these days ... I do soooo
Much ... it all went to quickly and I wish
I had relaxed more and enjoyed them ..
I love them as adults too ... just different issues lol

The people who enjoy mat leave are maybe just the people that love the baby stage. But you only have a baby for 12 months, then you have a toddler (24 months) then a child (X years). Sorry my timing indicators are a bit random.. I think what I’m trying to say is children change so much... the full on sleepless stage gets replaced by something else. It has its own challenges but isn’t unlikely to floor you in the same intense way. It could be someone else has a slightly ‘easier to look after’ baby which makes it appear like they have it under control. Maybe they’re better at hiding their frustrations. I didn’t enjoy the baby stage with DD1, the whole thing was just so exhausting and disappointing if I’m honest. With DD2 in many ways it was harder but I enjoyed it more, I think knowing I wasn’t going to have anymore so this was the last baby cuddles and also knowing it does pass and get better. I really wanted to breastfeed and did with both but I also found the pressure eased off a lot when I introduced other feeding / solids as it becomes easier to share caring responsibilities. Good luck! Hope things get better as your little one gets bigger.

My dd was very much like this...it got better eventually, that's all I can say. Will she fall asleep in the pushchair or the car? that's what I used to do to make her nap, then when she was asleep i'd park up and read a book or something.