Just shouted at DD1, she cried, I cried, just awful ...

[wishingchair]

... she is 4.5 and has selective deafness down to a fine art. I have to ask her to do something over and over and over again. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and turning into a naggy shouty mother - something I've avoided so far. A few days ago we started a sweet jar in manner of pasta jar ... they get added or taken away and can be eaten on Saturday, but to be honest I found myself threatening sweet-removal all the time and it seemed to bring out the negative in me. So (and I know a few days isn't long but stickers have worked in the past) DD1 and I have agreed to relaunch a sticker chart.

I ended up apologising for shouting (I hate it) and she apologised for not doing what I asked and we're all loved up and friends again.

But how do you deal with the slowness and the constant need to jolly them along. I've said she'll get her sticker for each thing (getting ready for bed, tidying toys away etc) as long as I don't have to ask her 3 times. But is that right? I know she's pushing boundaries and become more independent etc but why won't she just do things when I ask her to??!!

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things, being consistent, setting expectations etc etc. I have 4.5 too and we are going through the same thing and it's very hard not to lose it and shout every once in a while. Don't feel bad about it. In fact (as long as it's not happening every day) a good blow out shouting match tends to make my ds 'step up' for a while and usually he is better at doing stuff when we ask.

I say if I have to ask too many times e.g. after third time of asking then I will count to three, five etc and if it's not done there is a consequence (like not getting a sticker, although I'm more hard line and it's no tv or computer for the rest of the day - stickers didn't work for us).

I know what you mean about these reward systems often bringing out the bad, which is directly opposite to what they're supposed to do. As I said, I found that stickers etc worked for a while and then had no effect. Hence the no tv / computer which he hates or a time out.

It's good to know that there are other 4yo's that are selectively deaf too!

hello. Are you me?
I could have written this post re my 4.5 year old ds. He has always been so easy, rarely argumentative, cooperative etc. To tell you the truth I was a bit smug, putting it down to my excellent parenting skills

But the last two weeks have been absolute HELL. He wont do anything I ask, hides from me, wont get dressed, calls me names, wont eat meals i cook for him and i really dont know how to handle it. I too have screeched like a banshee saying all kinds of ridiculous thing like "im putting your toys in the bin" and generally not handling it well at all.
We made a apct today and a reward chart, and everytime i ask him to do something (get dressed, fetch me something, eat dinner, go to bed without a fuss etc) he gets a sticker and evertime he is rude he has 4 mins on the naughty step and a sticker taken off.
When (if!!) he gets 15 stickers he gets some kind of reward.
It worked pretty well today. Im still not sure why he is suddenly behaving like this, but full time school is just round the corner - THANKGOD!
So sorry, no advice as such, just wanted to let you know, youre not alone!

I think it depends on the nature of the individual child.

My ds will push boundaries, as children do. I count to three. Eight times out of ten, he stops what he's doing ... he responds.

The other two times, I don't sweat it. I just say OK and walk off. His temperament is such that my disinclination to engage with him upsets him, so it ends up the same as the 1-2-3 result. He does what I asked him to do, but from a different impetus.

wishingchair, IME the stickers /reward jar thing don't work, you just end up hung up on them. My dd1 is a year older than yours and we used to do the bedtime fairy for good bedtimes - if she went through her bedtime routine she got a letter from the bedtime fairy the next day - three letters in a row and the fairy left a little treat like a notebook or a pencil. One day you just don't need to do it any more. My dd1 still has all her letters in a box!

Since she started school she gets 'reading time' after she goes to bed - half an hour. If she really messes up I count to five and she knows if I get to five there is no reading time. In a year she's only missed one time.

Re tidying up, we make it a game. How quickly can she put all the red engines away? (she's a Thomas fan!) Dd2, who is three, can join in to add a bit of competition - then dd1 is the best big girl and dd2 the best little girl. I find they listen best if I use words rather than sentences - 'Shoes, feet, now!', or I say what I am looking at 'I still see toys on the floor'.

A word of waringin too: as your dd is 4.5 I assume she is going into Reception in September? Our dd1 had a big change in behaviour when she started, and from talking to other mums and on here this is very common. They get so tired and buttoned up, and even though they might be thrilled with school (my dd1 adores it) they still want to test out that you still love them even though you send them away each day. My dd1 was waking late at night from overtiredness and having tantrums like atoddler right up until Christmas. The good news is it does get better, but you need a lot of patience remember not to take it pesonally and ignore as much as you can.

Good luck!

Ahh you're all great and thank you for sharing your misery with me too! She's such a lovely girl but I think you're right - it's not out of spite but that she is in a world of her own half the time (fairies, mermaids, etc - startouchedtrinity - I LOVE your bedtime fairy) and also has zero concept of time. Will have to start counting to 3 again too.

Big sigh - tomorrow will be a better day

It gets worse when they start to read - my dd1 always has her nose in a book and never hears me - just like me when I'm reading! As I said, short sentences work, as does getting in her eyeline, and sometimes I get her to repeat back to me what I've just said.

Oh, and another thing, although we don't do sticker charts except for specifics like potty training I do have a pack of blank address labels, and when the dds have done something great I write their own sticker for them - 'I'm a top helper' or whatever - which they get to wear and show daddy when he comes home.

You're so good at this stuff! Really good idea. She loves getting those stickers from nursery. Am anticipating issues when she starts school. I've just gone back to work (part time) after having DD2 but we kept DD1 at nursery during that time and although we had to reduce her hours (she was doing 3 full days) we spread them over 4 so she wouldn't have too much of a shock going to school every day. That said, she's just negotiated a late start at nursery today as she's so tired ... I see battles ahead

very kind of you!

Yes, there will be battles ahead, but the change in them when they start school is amazing. I can't believe a year has gone by since dd1 started school - she has learned and grown so much - now she reads dd2 a bedtime story each night which is beautiful! Hang on in there, you're in for a very interesting time with her!