Is this a terrible idea?

[aIways]

I mean, I can't get out of it now, but will it work?

My 4yo DD in the past few months, has become a terrible sleeper. She's had to move in my room, as we were struggling for money and my dad needed a place to stay so he's took her room.

I've personally always struggled with sleeping, but it's especially bad atm (am having CBT for it) so I did go through a phase where I'd go to bed with her. Because I was tired, and because I wanted some peace after a long day at work without listening to the soaps at full blast next to my dad.

But then she'd chat and chat and it was obviously preventing her from sleeping. So I'd go downstairs but then she started shouting and crying even more. I also have to work from home for a few hours after she's gone to bed a few days a week so this was really hard to deal with, especially as I was only getting 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. To deal with a hyper 4yo all day without a break knowing you have to work at night but they won't let you work so some days you'd be up doing it until 1am literally shattered and doing quite fiddly work.

So I started putting on the bloody TV! Worst mistake of my life, and please don't judge me. But my friends put the tv on when their kids go to bed, and they fall asleep with it on. My child never has, so when I turn it off, the battle starts again, just even later.

We've got into really bad habits, basically. But up until a few months ago, she had a perfect bedtime routine and would go to sleep happily and was a happy kid the day after (she's much more ready and emotional if she doesn't get a good 12 hours sleep).

I think maybe it's just a case of resetting these (short lived) habits?

So, I've invented the sleepy fairy. The fairy has 7 presents, and every time you go to sleep nicely, with no screens, not shouting or moaning, she'll leave a present at the end of your bed to open in the morning.

I rushed to B&M on my lunch break and bought 7 presents which cost a couple of pounds each, and some wrapping paper. I bought a kite for a fiver, which she's wanted for ages, for the first one, just to hype up the whole process a bit more. Some of my old clothes went for a better price than expected on eBay, so I managed to do this without any financial hardship. I'm also overweight and a family member is a director of a local gym and said he can give me free gym access, but I need to ensure my DD is settled down and asleep at a good time before I can leave her (with my dad here) and go regularly. I'm hoping this will also help with my sleep.

She's gone to sleep perfectly tonight I still need to get the presents out the car and bloody wrap them. But will this actually do it's job and continue after a week once the presents stop?

Tl;dr - I am bribing my 4yo with a little present every time she goes to sleep nicely. I have 7 presents. It's worked well tonight, but do you think it will carry on working when the presents run out?

I think you're creating another bad habit for yourself; im afraid! it's tough but after the 7 days I would continue her bedtime routine and stick through the sleepless nights and tantrums. You'll get there in the end!

Personally I would not have done this, but you can rescue it by telling your DD that the fairy only needs to leave presents for 7 nights because then you will have won. Make the gifts less and less each night.

Maybe phase it out gradually. A present every night for a couple of nights. Then she needs 3 stickers. Then 5....

Could it be swapped out for a reward chart instead? Sticker on a chart or marble in the jar when she sleeps well. When it's full she gets a present - the draw being she gets to choose it. The fairy brings stickers, marble, pretty jar etc?

Hi, I completely understand that you are in a difficult situation with this one but what you need is no gimmicks.

Bedtime should have a set routine, which you need to outline to your DD and stick to. Yes, there will be screaming & tantrums to begin with but you must stick to this set routine.

Example:

A cup of milk
Then upstairs to brush teeth & go to the toilet
Then she picks 1 story book which you will read her
Then a kiss & cuddle
Then... SLEEP!

My girls like a little song after their story which I think is a nice addition to this if your daughter would like it.

I think you should sit your DD down and explain the routine to her. I would make it a positive conversation so I wouldn't be saying "there's going to be no screens etc" I'd just simply talk her through the new routine. If she asks about tv then yes, explain that it's not part of her new bedtime routine. Explain the benefits to her of getting a good nights sleep and how important it is. From day 1 though, you must not cave. If she cries, you calmly remind her that this is her bedtime routine now. She will try to test you, particularly because you have caved on things before but you need to show her that you will not sway. She'll get there and if you are consistent every single night, it won't take her too long to get to grips with things I'd imagine.

Hope this is of some help.

I think every night is abit excessive but you could do a sticker chart and at the end of every week, as long as there's been a good pattern of going to sleep with no funny business, she gets a present in the morning at the end of the week?
Or on the Sunday (presuming you would start on the previous Monday) you could tell her to pick an activity of her choice, instead of a present reward atleast that could be an on going thing too!
Good luck OP

Ah, why didn't I ask mumsnet before? 🙉 tbf I tried a sticker chart with potty training and it didn't really help, but I'm not 100% she was biologically ready as one day she just woke up and never had an accident again (prior it was daily).

I've kind of said it now. But maybe this will do it for a week, get the tv out of her head, then I can do a sticker chart for the next few weeks, with a day out of her choice or whatever for the reward each week?

But how do you eventually stop that? I feel that'd cause even more of a habit. I don't really have a problem with it for a month or so, and she loves a walk in the woods more than soft play so she'd hopefully pick that a couple of times which would save money but it seems even longer term, so harder to come back from?

To a PP who said to just tell her the routine, I have. I honestly have. She does get a bath, milk and cuddles and a bedtime story which we take turns each night to choose.

But I'm a single parent, never ever get a break, I've got severe insomnia to the point I'm not sure how I'm not dropping down dead - which means I'm feeling on deaths door with shitty MH and I'm just physically and emotionally exhausted, I work in a tough job where I often have very fiddly work to complete in the night after she's gone to bed, my house is usually a wreck as my dad is so so untidy, I've got 100000000 other problems in life and after a few days of 3 hours of screaming and crying and tantrumming at bedtime I just cave.

It's shitty parenting I know and I'm probably failing her which breaks my heart, but I do love her so much and I really am trying my best with what little I have to give. I was just trying to make the process a little bit easier for us both.

At the end of the 7 days could you leave a note from the fairy, saying that she has to go to help other boys and girls with their sleep now, but that she’ll be back regularly to check that she is sleeping? And maybe small token once a month or so if you think she needs encouraging.

And it’s not shitty parenting! It’s a temporary blip, she can get back into her old routine - you’ve just done what you need to to get over this hurdle. Have been there, at times I would have done pretty much anything to get some sleep and evening time to myself!

Tbh OP I think you're doing fantastic and would never put it down to shitty parenting.
Shitty parenting would be non-parenting, not giving a shit whether she has a routine or not!
You are trying your best so don't beat yourself up.

I don't think you would have to formally stop the day out (as long as it wasn't extravagant!) as such, maybe something with age she will grow out of, or phase it out gradually.
It just seems alot more sustainable than gifts etc and I'm sure a Sunday walk in the woods could become something you also look forward to OP

Can I just say, you sound like an amazing mum. Please don't beat yourself up in any way over this. You are doing your best, you really are! This is a phase that will pass

Recently I was struggling to get my son dry through the night (5 years old)
He would wet the bed every night and I couldn't work out if he was doing it In his sleep or waking and realising he needed a wee, just doing it anyway.
I did a reward chart and after 5 days of dry beds he could have a present. It worked and I think all the praise for every dry night (and the present) meant he was willing to keep it up after the 5 days. So big fan of bribery here! I think it's a good way to break the bad habits and kids need incentive sometimes!

I think you're a straight up genius girl !
I'd also tell her at the end of the 7 days that she's won and the prize is the "sleep spell of a big girl" is now on her and she needs no help, The fairy has to go find another little girl to help now but will randomly spot check so keep at it 😉 x