Condescending In-Laws

[lngw3715]

Hi,

I am beginning to come to the end of my patience with my in-laws. I find them extremely condescending and make me feel so useless at times.

A bit of background knowledge: me and my partner work full time and also commute, my parents dont live near by so they are our only support along with nursery. we also recently moved in with them as they have a very large house and offered for us to stay for completely free so that we could save for our house deposit (which is amazing of them) however, I just feel like they dont listen, they do what they want and they make us feel quite small.

Here are a few examples of the things they have done/said.

1. they occasionally dont give our LG her lunch till 2pm (she has her breakfast at 8) because they want to go do something first then have lunch, meaning she doesn't eat her tea, meaning she wakes hungry in the night. But despite us asking them to give her lunch before they do, we find it happening quite often.
2. They let her have late naps, I have caught them a couple of times coming home from work early with her asleep in the car at 5pm because she fell asleep on the drive home.
3. They have sprung holidays on us with two weeks notice or less with comments like "well you will have to sort it out with your work, that's not our problem" "shows you how much you rely on us"
4. The MIL always seems to want to be more of a mother to my LG than me, she wont let me cook what I want to cook for her, and then complains she always cooks. She always goes to chose her clothes before me. She always is telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing (which all parents hate but its 10x harder when you are living with them)
5. They are constantly giving her cordial out of her baby cup although we tell them every day she is to drink water from her cup, with the excuse it's easier for her.
6. She make snide comments about how she always does everything, although it's literally because she is so controlling and does everything whilst we are at work.
7. They feed her loads of cheese at 7pm before bed because she is wanting what her grandad is eating, although she has eaten her tea and desert. She will then run around the house with pieces of cheese in her mouth because she isn't in her chair and she chokes. But still they do it every night.

I know it may sound like such picky things to get annoyed at, but its things like this every day.
When I try to discuss it with them, they go on about how we should be grateful for everything they do for us and that they dont even need to help with childcare. We are massively grateful for all there support whilst we try and save and we tell them all the time. But I just feel we cant win because were not in a place with enough money for a house yet but I am also struggling to confront the situation.

Any suggestions or words of advice would be HUGELY appreciated

You're either going to have to suck it up or move out. If they're ignoring your parenting preferences what other options do you have?

They sound absolutely amazing. They you with free childcare and a roof over yours and your families' heads and you have the audacity to complain about cheese?
All of your quibbles are trivial. Be grateful woman, you could be doing this on your own.

*provide

You need to move out

Rent a tiny flat

Save your sanity

We are both SO amazingly grateful for everything they do, and we tell them all the time!
We get on so well otherwise and they are amazing people, and me and the MIT can literally be best friends some days.

I just feel like we are not respected or listened to about our own decisions with out own child

You don't sound very grateful, you also don't sound like you like your mil much. I think you've got a bit of a cheek to live with them, provide you with child care then call her snide. I'd be bloody snide if I was doing all that for someone who complained their kid fell asleep in the car! Kids sleep in cars, what should they do, poke her?

Do you have a timescale for when you plan to move out?

When you move in with parents it often reverts to them feeling like the parents and you being the children.

If you want to parent your own way I think you need to move out and send DC to nursery.

More expensive, but there it is. It's very difficult to unforced your own rules in someone else's house if you're not paying them for childcare. It's the age old MN in-laws tale as old as time.

I'm afraid you can't have it both ways. If these things really bother you you need to move out. If saving is more important then stay put and put up with it. I'd move out (actually I'd never have moved in, learned that lesson the hard way).

If you're living rent-free and you're both in full time employment, why not just pay for proper childcare?

I would move out. I wouldn't let anyone treat me or my child like that.

We do, she is in nursery 3 and 1/2 days a week. The grandparents look after her for 1 and 1/2 days

Increase nursery time or move out. It won't get better.

Your only choice then is to get nursery to cover all the childcare.

I think that if you are to continue accepting the massive amount of help they are giving you you have to choose your battles.

1. If your LG is having breakfast at 8.00 I think it is reasonable for her to get her lunch before 2.00pm. 6 hours is too long for a small child to go between meals. I would provide a sandwich ...made by you...with fruit and a yoghurt and ask if they could give this to your daughter when they are out and about even if they are not eating their own lunch at that time.
2. YABU on this one. Loads of parents have this problem themselves at pick up about 5.00 from nursery. Little ones are tired at this time and the car lulls them to sleep. It does impact on bedtime/sleep but there isn't much they can do about it.
3. With everything you are saving you can't do much about this except pay for nursery yourselves. Maybe find a sahp or childminder who would be willing to childmind occasionally at short notice if you pay them well over the odds. You would still be saving massively.
4. Sometimes who ever you get to childmind ...even when you are paying ...you don't get every single issue resolved just as you'd like it. Read some of the childminder/nursery boards. Many parents have to suck up small issues if they are happy about most other things. You need to decide ...is the juice/water issue important enough ...along side other issues ...for you to stop accepting the fee help and pay rent and nursery fees.
5. Difficult one. If this gets to you insist on doing more yourself.

6.You are contradicting yourself here op. See 1. You say there that she eats such a late lunch that she doesn't eat her tea yet here you say they feed her cheese even though she has eaten a full tea with desert so if she's eating tea and desert sometimes she isn't put off her tea by a late lunch all of the time.

I think you need to decide which issues are important to you and compromise on the others or bring the child minding to an end and make other arrangements. This will be very expensive. If it upsets the Grandparents you may end up having to move out which would make it even more expensive.
Living with relatives is never easy and with childcare in the mix it can be even harder. I think you and dp need to discuss and decide on priorities. If saving is the most important priority then you will have to compromise on some of the issues above. If the points you've highlighted are more important you might need to move out.

Those sound annoying, but none of them major enough issues if you’re getting free housing and childcare!

The late lunch is weird. Isn’t your child a hangry mess? Mine would be, as they eat lunch around 12. No way would they be able to last til 2

Naps in the car. Irritating, but it happens to us all. I’m a sahm and it happened to me yesterday. You could suggest they try and keep her awake, but they’re doing you a favour presumably in picking her up so you can’t really insist they spend their journey belting out songs and shaking the car seat like I do. It’s fairly stressful.

Picking her clothes and cooking specific meals. Annoying but you’re in their house.

Giving her juice would irritate me. Mine aren’t allowed it except special occasions. Maybe just pick your battles and say one cup per day only as it’s bad for her teeth.

Food when running about is a safety issue. Just say cut it up small or whatever if she’s not in her chair. Presumably they don’t want her to choke.

Basically if you don’t like it then move out I’m afraid

Move out. Save your sanity and theirs.

I don’t know anyone who has moved in with their parents or in laws where it has gone well.

Move out and support yourselves.

What are your timescales for moving? If 3 months then I would say suck it up if a year then you may need to reconsider

Meh. You are living in their house and they are providing you with free childcare so there’s nothing you can really do or say. They are probably ‘condescending’ to you because you and your DH are not able to stand on your own two feet and live independently yet. They sound pretty bloody amazing in taking care of your DD to be honest - a bit grandparentish and old fashioned in some ways, yes, but that’s to be expected given that they are, in fact, grandparents. They are doing your job for you as a parent so you can’t complain that they don’t do it 100% how you want. Are you even paying them or providing any other help to them in exchange?

If you want control over your family life, you will have to disentangle your own life from your PILs and move out. Do what almost everyone else I know does and pay your own way in life. Be a grown-up and stand on your own two feet.

I'd move out - my MIL is a nightmare anyway but this would not be acceptable - my ILs insist on kids waiting til 2pm for lunch too ... what is it with them and their inability to realise it's about the kids needs, and not them gggrrrrr

In your position I would pay for a nursery or childminder. You then have a lot more control and don’t have to worry about nap times/juice/surprise holidays. You will still be saving money by not paying rent.