Step children and newborn

[baby3455666]

Hi, I just wanted other people's views on this as I'm not sure if my feelings are coming from jealousy or just part of being an overprotective new mum and if I should be concerned...

I've recently had a baby with my partner. My partner has 3 boys from his previous marriage and the kids live with him .

During the pregnancy we had a few issues mainly with his middle son age 12. We found out he was watching porn , but violent porn that both me and my partner couldn't watch. It was quite shocking for a child so young who also goes to a small private school to be watching. my partner never really addressed it properly just spoke to him and he made out he was just laughing with friends at school.First his older brother got the blame then we later found out it was the middle son, so he kind of brushed it aside not really accepting that it's him just saying he's only watching to make fun not in a sexual way but this was like 50 sites plus a day and even on Xmas day whilst at the mums for Christmas !

Throughout the pregnancy he made comments toward me and was quite rude especially about having a baby sister , so I wasn't really expecting him to take to having a sister. Fast forward to now and he's all over her, he's the one helping the most but I can't help but feel protective towards her. He's now started to kiss her on the lips all the time and blowing on her face which is starting to really irritate me, I have no issue with him kissing on the head or cuddling but on the lips?? especially as he can pick up things from school and give to her, she's only had her first set of vaccinations. but now he's wanting to do bath time and change nappy it just makes me feel completely uncomfortable. I think partly as I can't let go of how he was before she arrived. My partner just thinks I'm over reacting and now we're not talking as I've brought this up to him, which I can understand he will be protective towards his sons.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation ? Also should I be concerned re the porn ? I know I should be happy that he's taken to her so well but I just don't really trust him near her alone or showing affection towards her in that way?!

The porn thing definitely needs addressing.

As for kisses and cuddles I would be fine with that. But nappies and bathing is a no no for me. I have a large age gap with my children but wouldn't expect bathing and nappies- simply put I didn't want my children having the responsibility of caring for a younger sibling. They could help out with both, but I am the parent.

The porn stuff would be a red flag for me. He’ll have internalised those ideas and it would make me uncomfortable with him.

That is what needs addressing. And it would be a good lesson. How can you trust him with his sister if he enjoys watching women humiliated and abused?

What’s his relationship like with his mother?

That's the thing it was rape and girls shi**ing porn! not even normal style. The mother is hardly around when I first started dating my partner she was always cancelling last minute when they only see their mum every two weekends. They would always cry and ask to see their mum but soon as she knew we were dating she started to be more involved she sees them 2 weekends a month and that's it . I just feel he needs to see someone or at least talk about the porn as I don't know if he thinks that is normal or not and to go from being rude towards me and his unborn sister to now kissing on lips and wanting to bath just makes me uncomfortable.

I would try hard not to link the porn and the interest in his little sister. But I do think he could do with some counselling- somewhere safe to talk about his feelings towards women, his sexual feelings and his issues with how horribly he has been treated by his mum.
For now with the baby I would just say that no one is meant to kiss her mouth because of germs but that you love what a protective and fun big brother he is being to her. Thank him for offering to do nappies and baths but explain brothers are for the fun bits and parents do the boring jobs like nappies and baths. Let him help in other ways and encourage and praise him as he sounds dan like he has had a pretty crap hand dealt by his own mum and him seeing you be a new and attentive mum could be hard for him.