If you were a SAHM longer term did DH chip in when you went back to work?

[millionaireshortie]

I've been a SAHM for a long while now and desperate to get back to work but I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of doing everything I do now on top of a job.

I probably would only work 3.5-4 days due to being the only person (+ holiday clubs) responsible for school holidays, so appreciate I can spend my day off cleaning the house and running errands. It's more the daily stuff I'm worried about - getting kids ready in the morning, homework, reading, organising play dates, meal plan, cooking, bins out, daily wipe down and pick up, bedtimes, night wakings, early wakings etc.

I've even been thinking about leaving DH and having 50/50 custody as I don't feel up to it. I can't manage it all now and I'm a full time SAHM!!

Any advice?

My daughters 7 months old so maternity leave was up a couple of months ago. I now work on the weekends , meaning i do most things Mon-Fri while partners at work , then he does most things whilst im at work

Oh gosh! First thing to do is tell your husband how worried this has got you. That will allow you to have an open discussion with him about division of responsibilities. If he’s supportive, he will also recognize he needs to help out a bit more now as you’re overwhelmed.

I second @sergeilavrov. Talk to your dp, please let him know you're worried.
You're in a relationship which makes you a team and if you don't talk he won't know, if you open that dialogue you can come up with a plan of who does what and work together.

You need to sit down and talk about all of this and work out your schedules. My dh did nearly all of those things when I was at home full time. He certainly does them now that I’m back to work - in fact, I work away long hours 3 days a week with a long commute. On those days, he does everything from the moment the dc wake up (I leave usually just as they are waking or before) until bathtime. I usually get home as they are getting in the bath and then together we do bath and bedtime. The only thing he doesn’t often do is meal planning and food shopping (because I prefer to do it).

Is there a reason you can’t share more of this through flexible working? I’ve found that it’s much easier for things to be equitable if you each have time for family obligations built into your week from the start.

I've talked to him many many times. I haven't quickly/easily arrived at the idea of 50/50 custody! Nothing ever changes. He said get a job first then see but I'm honestly petrified. He does work long hours - leaves 7am usually, back between 5.30 earliest and often as late as 7 depending on what he has on. That's Mon-Fri. My working day will be shorter - drop kids breakfast club 8.20 and collect after school 5.30.

He has been so used to never doing a single thing that I simply can't imagine him coming home 6-7 then chipping in. I'm up early 5.30 usually with youngest and often in the night so it's a long day.

@mindutopia he's self employed and he has never built in any flexibility. Very rarely attends anything school related nor takes time off in school holidays (except 3 weeks a year where we actually go away).

He has been so used to never doing a single thing that I simply can't imagine him coming home 6-7 then chipping in.

Obviously too late now but what a shame for everyone that this state of affairs was able to develop. I think your instinct that he won't change is likely to prove right, sadly - but why on earth do you think he's therefore capable of providing 50% custody? If you do leave (or ask him to) then you need to do so in the expectation that you will do almost all childcare and he will swan in for the odd weekend - not because that's fair or right, but because it's what is overwhelmingly likely to happen.

If your husband will not do his share, would you as a family be able to afford (the mumsnet cliche of ) a cleaner? And the other favourite of freezing things at weekends for dinner on your work days? Do your children get weekly homework, couldn’t it be done at weekend or after school on your home day?
If you did have a cleaner, your day at home could more be organising/errands.

If he doesn’t do anything at the moment then I would wonder what I was getting from the relationship.

Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed that thought was panic. However, I do agree that he's unlikely to have 50-50 custody should you leave. He can do nights, you do mornings. If you love him, then I'd suggest you tell him:

"I don't feel comfortable coming up with a plan of how to divide childcare after I've already started work. Our children deserve more security than that. I've made a list of everything that they need, and I'd like us to look at our schedules for the year ahead and work out how we will manage that as a team. Let's get our laptops and set up a google calendar for the family together. I've taken the liberty of charging them today so we can spend this evening doing this over a lovely bottle of wine."

I'm a SAHP but I do roughly the same hours as my working husband (well i do all the overnight get ups too!). My job is looking after our child and the house during the week, his job is something do with spreadsheets I think. We split tasks at the weekend.

Work out a daily rota & who does what. Kids at school? They can have chores too. Work out leisure time between the two of yiu. If you've got a day off, then you've got a bit of extra time to do something but don't promise you'll spend all day cleaning/shopping.

I work part time and do most of stuff in your op I dont find it a huge hassle. Dh does do lots too esp with kids at weekends. Also he does some early mornings / nights. I am not the most house proud though I guess.

I work part time and do most of stuff in your op I dont find it a huge hassle. Dh does do lots too esp with kids at weekends.

If your DH does lots then clearly you don't do everything the OP does?

I'm a SAHM and my DH does several of those things (cooks dinner, does laundry, plays with the kids, does bedtime, night wakings, etc).

Your DH sounds like he's totally checked out and isn't a partner at all.

I don't blame you for considering leaving him.