Deciding whether or not to have children

[AlternativeOpinion1]

I'm 32 years old and remain undecided about having children but leaning towards not. My partner of 8 years is equally undecided but leaning more towards yes.

There is no one in my life who planned to have children besides a close friend who tried for many years and now struggles financially and emotionally to raise her daughter with her husband.

The biggest aspects to put me off is pregnancy, childbirth and early years child rearing. I dislike babies. I adore older children and helping them grow and learn and play. I babysit for a friend every now and then and her 3 year old has now reached an age where we can interact and play and it's very rewarding. For these reasons I have considered adoption but my partner is less keen.

Through all the expense, physical trauma to the body, time commitment and career sacrifices, I struggle to see many positives. I worry that my experience is perhaps very negative and one-sided. Could anybody share the positives of having and raising children? Has anyone had children and regretted it?

Thanks

I know people that have regretted there 3rd child but mainly the first child is exciting seeing the changes of growing and how everything in tbere world is so fascinating. The baby stage goes pretty fast but its better if you have good support as can be very tiring in the early months.

Hey just wanted to reply and say I'm very similar to you - 32 years old, partner of 11 years. I'm just getting somewhere good with my career and am loath to take a break of a year or more, plus I would really want to have more than one (as I had such a good time with my sisters growing up), and that means multiple breaks! I also don't like babies that much (I love my nieces but they were so mysterious as little babies, and the brief periods I watched them and they cried for a long time it made me bawl my eyes out myself). I have all but decided on long term fostering/adoption. My partner works from home so can be the primary caregiver, meaning I could just have a break of 3-6 months for settling in / bonding time and have two children at once instead of having to take multiple breaks. I can take 3-5 year olds meaning they'll soon be either going to school or eligible for free part time preschool (so no need for 3 years of crippling childcare centre payments), and including foster payments for the majority of their expenses means it won't even impact that badly on finances. It also means they won't be too far apart in age from my nieces so they can grow up with and play with their cousins instead of having an age difference if I were to have birth children. And one of the best parts is I don't have to go through childbirth. It really all makes so much more sense than being pregnant! Have a read of the Adoption board here and check out the Adoption UK forum.

I hope you decide what’s best for you, however I hate to say I left it that long to find out I couldn’t regardless. Sometimes we think everything is our choice when it’s not

My baby girl just turned one month old and she's the most incredible miracle.

Pregnancy was tough in the beginning as I had pretty bad morning sickness for 20 weeks but I got some tablets. The rest was ok - feeling movement was amazing.

Childbirth really isn't as bad as you'd think. I was in the latent stage of labour for 3 days which was horrendous, I won't lie, however the actual birth itself was ok!

The first month has been so hard but so so rewarding.

Obviously you have to do what's best for you - just wanted to give you the view from the other side

I hated the first few years. I had and have no career, so nothing to go back to. My first born was an utterly utterly difficult high needs baby and toddler. My other two were great. I love it now, absolutely the best BUT I wouldn't have had three had I had a career or job I loved. It's also utterly life changing- life will never be What it was. It can change relationships for the worse. It can be lonely and constantly exhausting 24 hours a day for years. It got better for me though - and I'm now so so happy. But having children is not for everyone and you can only really make decisions now on how you are currently feeling, and not second guess how you may feel in the future.

I should also add, two of my old friends got puppies. It put them off children for life.

@AlternativeOpinion1 I was in the exact same position as you. I never really wanted children and the whole maternal thing never clicked but I thought if I didn't I would probably regret it.
Fast forward two years and I have a very lively 15 month old DS. I've gone back to work full time so still very much have my career and DS is in nursery. My job involves a lot of UK travel but I'm lucky because I can work from home a couple of times a week so I do get to see DS more.
I can definitely Day I wouldn't change it and don't regret having him. Pregnancy wasn't that bad, still managed to do my job up til 37 weeks when DS decided he wanted to come early. Little baby days were tough but go so quickly it doesn't seem like they last long, if that makes sense?
I still dislike babies and children (apart from my own) and 100% wouldn't have another.
My DH and I still have a good social like and DS goes where we go.
Hope you manage to make the right decision for you, as above, the deciding factor for me was thinking I'd regret not having a baby when it was too late.

It's a hard decision as it's impossible to know how you will feel afterwards if you have them and it's not like you can send them back!

I don't like other people's children much but am very into my own. It's very different.

Pregnancy to three years is a very short space of time in the context of the lifetime decision you're making. So if that's the only issue then it's probably worth it.

Even the baby stage can be interesting with your own as you know them so well and they grow and learn so fast.

Personally I'm very glad DS is genetically mine and DH's and not adopted as it's interesting to see how he is like each of us in different ways and it somehow feels important that a part of us will survive after we die. However that doesn't matter to everyone!

We were very unsure and scared but I have no regrets. It's a big life change though, so think through the practicalities (will you ever have another child free weekend? What happens to childcare in the school holidays?) and see if there are any deal breakers / anything you can do to mitigate the things that are hardest for you.

It is worth mentioning that adoption these days (especially of older children) usually involves being able to help them deal with the trauma they suffered as babies - can be more challenging longer term than the baby phase with your genetic children. Sally Donovan’s books are very good on this if you want to get a sense of real life with adopted kids.

I went through ivf as I was so desperate to have children and was devastated each month when it didn’t happen naturally. If you think about it that wY how would you feel if tour choice was taken away from you?
My baby is now 17. The pregnancy and childbirth long since recovered from and the early years have flown by! They are only young for such a little length of time. They are over 5 for the rest of their lives!!

I think it’s really hard and only you can decide what’s best for you.

We had similar debates before deciding to have kids. The negatives you mention are all things that you’ve got some experience of that you can relate to, but the positives are something much harder to imagine when you’ve not experienced it, so it’s a really difficult decision to try and make logically.

Our experiences:
Honestly, having kids has been the best thing ever for us and we’ve never regretted it for a second.

Childbirth is SUCH a temporary issue...and the baby stage is pretty temporary too.

Time wise, it’s never bothered us all that much. No, we never have enough time to do what we need or want to, but spending time with the kids is the thing we both want to do most. Some things we’ll have more time for as they get older and more independent, but we’ll never have enough (not sure we had enough before either, but obviously more so now)

My career has definitely suffered - before, I used to work every hour I could, but not anymore. Haven’t figured out the way forward on this bit yet.

For me, I’d take the negatives every time though for the infinite positives it has brought to our lives. Being parents has made us happier and given us more purpose than we’ve ever had. Every day, we get to spend time with amazing little humans and watch them grow and develop.

From what you've said here it really does sound like you'd be able to provide a loving home to a child in need of adoption.

Ofcourse your husband would need to be on board, and you've said he wasn't so keen. Is it worth revisiting it and having a chat about what his concerns would be regarding adoption? Obviously I'm not suggesting you pressure him, but just talking it through in detail might be helpful.

I think you get serious FOMO either way.
I can't know what would have happened if I never had kids.
I think I'd have a self-pity hang-up from being 'child-less'.
As things stand, I know have deep guilt about having had kids & not being a very good parent. I often envy the child-free (so a different self-pity).
It turns out I hate organising other people's lives.
Cannot Win.
Not having kids is a great choice. You're fine to do that if that's how it goes.

It's hard. I was adamant I didn't want kids til I was 32ish then I met my husband and everything changed.

I love kids, not into babies at all, I wasn't even that interested in the scans etc truth be told, I mean it was cool but I wasn't losing my mind or staring at the photo 24/7 either.

Childbirth was ok for me. It hurt but I got a massive feeling of accomplishment too.

We live abroad and I paid a lot to go to a fancy private clinic where they spoke English and were very up to date and considerate so I think that helped. Not having much access to pre natal classes or baby groups in English was hard though. I did feel isolated at times.

I had great support from my PIL and husband so that made it a million times easier.

I am so happy I had kids, they have made my life a million times better. We have worked hard to keep our relationship going, see friends, keep up with hobbies and not just be "mum and dad" and that has helped a lot I think. Not everyone has the time and energy for that though.

You should only adopt or foster because thats what you really want to do, not because it gets you out of a part of parenthood that you dont like. As an adoptive mum it sits very uncomfortably with me to hear someone even talking about fostering payments as a way of having children which doesnt impact on you financially, or as a way to get two at once so you don't need to take too much time out of your career.
Children in the care system have had a very rough start to life, this is not without effect. Many will have some kind of additional needs, many adopters have to sacrifice careers because of their children's needs. They have emotional needs far beyond that of birth children. My son is a strapping 15 year old, its only in the last few weeks that he has felt secure enough that I do not have to take him to bed and stay with him until he falls asleep. Many will require therapy, my son had two years of traumatic and time consuming therapy. Not to mention additional appointments at school, battles to get support, EHC plans, assessments, reviews - I could go on. You may have to manage contact with multiple siblings elsewhere in the care system. The teenage years are particularly difficult. If you foster you will probably have to facilitate contact with birth parents, Social workers will be a permanent part of your lives.
My son was 7 when he came to live with me. We have had an amazing 7 years together, I am immensely proud of him and everything he has achieved, he has a positive future ahead of him - but it has not come without cost to me, my health, finances and my career. I wouldn't change a thing, but it is not an easy option. Fostering and adoption are not simply alternative ways to get a child in a way to minimise the impact on your career.

I was 32 when I had my son. He was an unexpected pregnancy - I didn’t want to have children.

I’m so glad he happened. He is wonderful. I thought I’d find the early years boring but actually it’s fascinating watching him grow and develop and it’s very different when you’re so invested in their progress. He’s hilarious and affectionate and naughty and brilliant.

Pregnancy was actually lovely and I enjoyed it. Childbirth was fucking hideous beyond imagining and every time I see a mother now I wonder how she managed it. The early days, looking back, were really difficult but at the time I was so in love and obsessed with my baby that I didn’t fully realise it, iyswim.

The thing I was most worried about was the impact on my body (I’m quite vain!). Other than a slightly larger bellybutton and slightly larger feet (!), my body hasn’t changed much. I gained a LOT of weight, and it was hard work to get it off, but I’m now the fittest and trimmest I’ve ever been - I’ve started racing and doing obstacle courses and I am bloody strong too. I love my postpartum body. Pregnancy and childbirth gave me a whole new respect for my body and I want to take care of it.