How much does your husband/partner have a say in your daily decision making when it comes to your child?

[monica19]

Curious to hear how decision making is done when it comes to your child? Do you have to run everything past your husband/partner? Such as going out, who you’re with and what you plan to do? My partner makes me run everything past him and if I don’t he gets angry. Such as posting on social media, I’m not allowed to post our child. Gifts and presents for birthdays and Christmas I need to let him know what I’m getting. Like does your partner just trust you to make decisions on your own?

The two examples given are not everyday things though. We would discuss those type of things. DH wouldn't be interested in which toddler group we went to, whether I was going shopping, or whether the library was today's destination.

Mine are teens now - things like education, and whether to let them go to big events etc are discussed, but not much else.

That said, DH was always interested in hearing what we had done, just not judgemental or needing to be involved in planning.

Absolutely nothing at all, he's happy to be involved, but equally happy for me to decide.

I probably decide the majority of things, but run the bigger things past him

Err define anger? That's a bit worrying.
Presents we discuss and holidays or schools but he generally assumes ill sort everything. Very frustrating but I normally do.
I'd find it wierd if he was angry because I took my son to a playgroup and didn't tell him. That's just odd.

We have a no social media policy. Big things like education are discussed and agreed upon. Days out, clothes etc don't need any discussion. Total trust here.

we talk in passing but my husband has no say. I tell him what i'm up to and we use a calendar but I do what I want. he trusts me and knows I have their best interests at heart. we'v ebeen invited to meet the reception teacher for dd starting in sept and hes not bothered about coming. we both post very little on social media but if either of us had a problem with it then we'd agree not to

No, we don't discuss any of that really, except for things that affect us jointly. If I am home with the dc, I don't tell him where I'm going or what we're doing (he also wouldn't tell me when he was home with them). He wouldn't really care (and nor would I when I'm at work). The only things we would discuss is if there is a planned activity, like a class, that has already been booked and paid for. Then obviously I'd need to tell him that so he could take them to it.

Social media, we have a similar understanding. We post on our private social media accounts. We both also have professional social media accounts. We don't post about our dc on those as they are public accounts. What you do you need to decide amongst yourselves.

Birthday and Christmas gifts are joint gifts, so yes, we would discuss them, as it's silly for one of us to buy something and then the other goes and buys the same thing. We decide together what to buy. Occasionally, we might also buy small things without any input from the other, but the big things we discuss, because they're from both of us.

Really though he sounds controlling and that's not healthy. No one should be controlling what you do on a day to day basis.

He sounds very controlling and it's not normal.
Your an adult, why do you need to ask before you do basic/normal things??

Totally different if it's bigger things like buying a sofa or tv or decorating but not for little things.

I think I recognise your name from trying to figure out if your partner is controlling

I think the answer here is twofold - decisions such as posting on social media are big ones that are joint so anything big definitely

Other than that I dont think he has a clue on a day to day level exactly what goes on because he trusts me to make decisions

Yes he is controlling and overbearing OP and its not normal

He trusts me to decide stuff but would be hurt if I didn’t share somewhat important things with him. I’d usually chat with him about birthday gifts as there’s no real right or wrong answer, just a budget and opinions so he may have a better idea that what I’ve come up with. Anything health related I let him know immediately but there’s no decisions as such, just what the dr. decides. Basically I know what my DH has in INTEREST in and share/discuss with him but I know he won’t have any issue with me deciding to put the kids in a summer camp etc. (Though would have an opinion if we were deciding between football and swimming camp so I’d actually want to hear his thoughts).

If your DH is micromanaging you that’s an issue. And if you’re not respecting his opinion or even asking it on things he cares about too, that’s another issue. I can’t know which issue you have.

We'd talk out the things like presents, feedback from school, health stuff, worries. I used to be really bad about discussing anything with him but we've become more of a team lately again. Saying that we're very different people and my ideas are different to his on everything really. Another issue is buying e.g. magazines for them, colours, toys, clothes. I generally don't tell him as money is very tight at times, and if he had his way they'd never get anything extra. I used to live like this but it wasn't living, and I realised the younger two got so much less th ask the older two ( when we were both working and so had the money to do stuff or buy stuff!) This obviously leads to arguments!!

I'd also say he sounds controlling unless you discuss nothing with him until afterwards and then I'd ask why you don't let him be a parent too and say of course he gets irritated that he has no say or can't enjoy things with your child like buying presents etc

Yes, I am an adult, I am trusted to make decisions on my own. Similarly, I trust him to make decisions on his own. Anything to do with DD or anything which involves both of us then we will talk it over (obviously if it's something very mundane it doesn't require discussion).

I’m a SAHM, I might tell him in passing what we’re up to on a day to day basis but I certainly don’t seek his approval or permission. Or in the evening he’ll ask what we got up to, just out of interest.
I don’t request permission to post on social media. DH doesn’t have any social media accounts. If he had a strong objection to things being posted I’d respect that, however.
Generally we’ll discuss what to get for Christmas/birthdays. Sometimes I’ll just buy something and show him afterwards.

I tell him anything he needs to know or anything I think he might find interesting
If I’m not sure about something I might ask his advice but generally he’s happy with whatever I decide
Once or twice when we completely disagreed and couldn’t come to an agreement I over ruled him because as I do most of the day to day child stuff ( was a sahm and now work part time) I get the ultimate decision

I usually let DH know what we're doing but more to make sure that it doesn't interfere with appointments he has etc, I certainly don't need permission to go to a certain toddler group etc.

Neither of us posts much on social media so that isn't an issue. I don't (personally) think children should be flaunted on SM, makes me cringe when people upload daily updates about what their child is doing now, it's not for me at all

What do you mean when you say 'angry'?

My dc are grown up now, but we had a similar set-up to most posters in trusting each other to make decisions when we were looking after the children, but discussing anything major. And we talked quite a bit about what we did, anyway, as we've always run the family as a team.

As money was quite tight, I would have expected him to be part of the discussion about presents: we usually weren't able to buy many, so would have been a shame if he had really wanted to get them something and I'd spent all the money without consulting him.

Social media wasn't around, but that again is probably something I would have expected us to decide together. Also schools and playgroups. But just going out for the day or who you spend the day with- no.

I can not imagine having to tell my DH every little thing I do. It is not normal!!

I’m on maternity leave. I go out every day to meet people, go to groups, shopping etc. Sometimes I mention what I’m doing but it’s conversation not for permission. I have full decision making when it comes to our baby. Like PP we discuss big things like nursery/health etc but you definitely shouldn’t be running everything by him. It’s very worrying you live with the fear of him getting angry.

My ex bf was similar and the best thing I ever did was tell him to pack his bags and F*#k off!

Hey, no I don’t. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. If it’s to do with our baby I will let him know or if I feel I need to ask I will ask what he thinks. But your OH seems very controlling. The social media I will agree with, I don’t do social media & I wouldn’t put pics up without making sure he’s ok with it. When you put pics on social media they are no longer yours. But the rest sounds very controlling. Are you okay OP?x

Nothing unless it's a big ticket item and still I decided. The only thing we properly discussed was DD's bursary to private school as that was a major financial commitment. His lack of interest has come back to haunt him because he wants to split and dd doesn't want anything to do with him because he doesn't care.