I don't feel bonded to my second child (3)

[MrsElizabethShelby]

Just that really.

I never got the chance to bond like I did with first and I feel nothing when I look at them.

I do t know what to do. I want to love them like I love my eldest.

How old is your second? Why didn't you get the chance to bond, what happened? Have you discussed how you are feeling with GP or HV?

It sounds distressing for you, but you want this to improve which is the main thing. Are you feeling low in general or just about this?

I suppose fairly low in general. Work is very stressful at the minute.

My second is nearly 3. I just never had the time. My eldest is so intense and full on he takes up all my time and attention. So when second was born I just had to perform the basic functions of keeping him clean and fed. No time for snuggles and bonding.

DH was not as fussed about my being pregnant the second time. (Though he adores LO) and he also had a job working late evenings so no loving cuddles and bump stroking ect second time round.

I worked full time till I was 39 weeks.

I barely remember being pregant. I also went back to work when they were 6 months old instead of having a year off like with first (necessity)

Sorry for the slow reply, not feeling great myself this week! Sorry to hear you’re stressed. I think it’s not too late to improve the relationship, or to focus on the bits of closeness that you do have. Do you get ny time alone with youngest? If not you should make that a regular thing and do things you both enjoy. Also, there is a great method called video interaction guidance which aims to strengthen relationships, you could look up if there’s anywhere local to you that you could try this?

I get how you feel. I had the incredible intense love for ds1 and when dd can't along it just didn't happen in the same way. I'm pretty sure it's Steve Covey in 7 Habits who says, if you dont feel love for someone just be loving anyway. Do loving things until eventually love the verb becomes a feeling.

But don't beat yourself up about it too much. Just relax and take it one day at a time. You can't force your self to feel bonded but you can do things to promote that growth.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Do you think it’s possible you had PND after he was born?

Do you have time now to spend together? Could you afford to go part time or reduce hours? Is there an activity you could do just the two of you? Like a PP has said, take it one day at a time. As long as you show love and care towards him, that’s enough.

How unspeakably sad for you and your child. As a PP said, did you have (undiagnosed?) PND with your second?

It also seems.... a bit strange to mention not having bump strokes and cuddles in conjunction with this. I do think that is very normal in second and subsequent pregnancies when the kids already there occupy all your attention until baby is born. Do you think your husband’s lack of attention to the second pregnancy affected the bond? Is it worth exploring?
Are you faking it to your child and treating them exactly the same? If so, you are doing your best but perhaps seek counselling to help you both bond and find that love!

I am always kind and loving towards them, it's not their fault I feel the way I do and I most definitely dont want them to know it!

I do care about them and their wellbeing, I am wondering perhaps if I expected too much?

I do feel my husband's lack of care and attention didn't help. I remember feeling very upset about it when pregnant. I did ask him once and he said he didn't have the time.