To put the father on the birth certificate

[kamikazeee]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible 😂

Currently pregnant with my third child, but the father of this one is different.

As soon as I found out, he was pushing a termination on me. We both were careless so know the risks of falling pregnant (unless he really is as stupid as I originally thought...) He told his family that it wasn't his because he used protection. They then said they want nothing to do with the situation until a DNA test was done. I have never met his family. I don't know their address and I have no means of contacting them.

He then told me a DNA won't be happening. So I told him there will be because I'll file a claim with CSA. He then kicked off and said I did this because I wanted his money, and I said it's not the money I want it's the proof because I know he will have to disprove he's the father to avoid paying. I want the proof for my child. Then he said he'd do the test privately with me but in return wants me to "bodge" another one to show his family to say he's not the father and they aren't related.

He later said that if his family ask come the time I'm due, he will tell them I had a termination so they don't ask anymore questions.

He has previously said on the phone to me that "as it stands if my family find out the truth then they will want contact with the baby". He's obviously going to do everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen.

The question is, has anyone ever successfully gone through the courts to have a father added to the birth certificate? I know that fathers who want to be put on there have to file for a "declaration of parentage" for the courts to sort it. But I've not heard of it being done the other way around. Is it something I should do?

I know some people will read this and think why bother? But for me, it's the principle of it. My child deserves to know who it's father is and who it's family are. He's going to such lengths to block everything, I feel powerless. If he's going to continue to refuse to acknowledge his child then fine, I can't force him to change. But at least I can say I tried and my baby has a right to know who his family is too.

I grew up without a father, I know how it feels, so this is really hard for me.

If you grew up without a father then you know that you cannot MAKE somebody be a good father.

Being named on the birth cert will not make him a good man or a good father and not being named on the birth cert will not prevent a good man from being a good father.

You can't bureacratise him into being a good father.

The principle is one I agree with wholeheartedly but having gone through the last 16 years as a single parent (even though we didn't split up immediately) I know that you cannot push water up hill.

I think, the theory and the principle of the MATTER is not one that you should focus on now.

There is more power in accepting his deadbeat dad status for now. Go through your pregnancy as a single woman. Own it for now.

Some of the most peaceful times in my life have been as a single person so there's no failure in it.

Have the courage to know that you will do a better job alone because 1) you are willing to and 2) you won't be squandering your valuable resources battling with a man who doesn't want to be a father to your child.

Accepting this now and structuring a life that works for you and the baby now doesn't mean being a doormat. I accepted a situation once for four years because battling was secondary to healing at that point. I don't think arduous and stressful court battles are conducive to nurturing and building yourself up.

When you have security and distance and perspective there will be nothing to stop you coming back to this one later.

Don't do it for the principle. You're not wrong about the principle. Do it when the time is right for you and your child.

Technology is only getting better. He cannot wriggle out of it long term.

Let him have time to digest that he's going to be a father and possibly in time he won't be as big a disappointment as he is right now.

But legal battles right now will bring out the fight in him, not the paternal mature side.

Let circumstances 'sit' for a year or two would be my advice.

x

You can tell your child who their father is. If you can access his social media and get pictures of him, do so. Save any messages between you (not necessarily for your child to ever see).

If he's on the birth cert that gives him a lot of power. Do you trust him to always use that in your child's interests?

If you aren't married I don't think you can put his name on the Birth Certificate without him being there to register the baby so it's a bit of a moot point. In any event you don't really want him on the BC as it gives you sole parental responsibility so you can make all relevant decisions about your baby. You can still apply to the CMS for maintenance even if he's not on the BC.

Him being listed on the birth certificate won’t change anything at all in terms of your daughter’s relationship with him. He either wants to be involved or he doesn’t.

If you aren't married I don't think you can put his name on the Birth Certificate without him being there to register the baby so it's a bit of a moot point.
This ^

My DD's father wasn't on the birth certificate because he didn't turn up at the Register Office appointment so I just went ahead on my own. In retrospect I am glad he didn't show up because she had my surname and it makes no difference legally anyway.

For me it wasn't about forcing him to be a good father. It's the principle of the fact he's gone to such lengths to hide this whole thing.

How does his family know you’re pregnant then? You don’t know his familly - so he must have told them? So why did he do that?

Honestly your life will be easier if you don't. Will he be around in years to come to give permission for you to get your child a passport? If you want to go on holiday? Do you have want this shit-head to have a say over medical procedures etc? He's panicking because he doesn't want to be caught out lying to his family. Don't do anything he says, proceed with the CSA claim and force the DNA test, don't do a private one. tell the truth proudly to whoever asks.