Introducing new boyfriend to toddler

[Tocquers]

Hi all - unsure if this is in the right place, but am keen to get some advice on a really worrying issue concerning my two and a half year old son

Long story short, my ex-wife has a boyfriend who she’s known for 3 months (it may be longer, but 3 months is what she says) who she apparently met on Tinder. This individual has moved into the ex-marital home and is apparently spending significant time with my son (going on day trips, helping read stories to him etc). I’m desperately worried that this is far too soon to introduce such a little boy to someone so new, and particularly when he’s undergoing such upheaval in his life.

My wife and I have been separated at her instigation, for just over a year (albeit living in the marital home until six months ago while she thought about whether she wanted to work on the marriage or not (not, as it turned out), at which point I moved out). We share care of our son in a roughly 60:40 ratio, with her having the more care. He’s with me Th - Sun one week, and Thu - Sat the other

I’ve been living with family for the last six months, but am about to move into a new house. I am (very, very!) single and likely to remain so while I try to square away our son in his new life, as well as work.

I’ve tried speaking to my wife about whether this is wise, but am basically brushed off with ‘it’s not unhealthy for me to have a boyfriend’. I agree, absolutely, but can’t sleep for worrying about the impact this is having on our son. She often talks about what a happy, confident little boy he is - which is true - he’s coped amazingly well. However, I don’t get the sense that he’s happy about this latest development - he has referenced this individual on a couple of occasions (normally, ‘is X in my house?’) and not in an excited, happy way. Last night he also asked ‘is X sleep in bed? NO sleep in bed’ when I was putting him in his sleep sack for bed. I may also be projecting but it also seems like his behaviour has taken a little bit of a turn.

Has anyone seen this kind of thing before / managed it successfully? It just feels unbelievably quick and so risky. I’ve booked an appointment with a child psychologist, but not until next week, and am pretty frantic in all honesty.

All input very welcome!

I do have some experience of this- and worrying and painful though it is, you do not have a say in your ex's relationships. It is a matter for her.
My advice is to think about the long game. You sound like a great dad and consistent behaviour on your part will pay off in the long term. Your son will always know that whatever is happening at mum's, dad is always an oasis of reliability and calm.

Absolutely agree on not having a say - I’m honestly not worried about what she’s up to in her own time. What’s panicking me is her trying to force this guy into our son’s life, right now. There’s so much going on for the poor little man. I also don’t understand why he’s so involved when she has ample time to have a relationship when he’s not around (every other weekend she doesn’t see our son from Thursday morning until Sunday night, for example). I’m just really keen to understand if anyone has seen this kind of thing being a success (to put my mind at rest), and it not, how best to help a toddler navigate it...

Completely understand your fears. I have ( now) grown up step children who dealt with a childhood of erratic behaviour from their mum and a parade of new boyfriends before she finally settled down again. It is not great but the older they have become the more they have spoken about how they appreciate the safe space that their dad's house has always been. I guess what I am saying is that you can't control what your wife does- just concentrate on being the safe calm parent.
If it helps my grown up step children are great, well balanced adults who have an insight into how badly parents can behave- but It doesn't seem to have damaged them.

I think she is acting very selfishly and unwisely by having her new boyfriend around your son but I am not sure if you can do anything about it. Perhaps if you still jointly own the marital home you have some say over who stays there? Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along with advice, I just replied for support really. Just keep monitoring the situation and I think the upcoming appointment with the psychologist is a good idea.

Thank you both for your perspectives - I appreciate them. We no longer own the family home together (and am sure she’d have ignored me anyway), so I think the safe space idea is a good one. I complete on a house today in fact so we can have a good few weekends just us to help him bed in a bit.

Have been unable to sleep for weeks because of all this, and this morning no exception, so thought I could put together a quick update!

We spoke this Sunday and I asked for details on how this person had come into my son’s life. Not sure how much is true but apparently now he and my wife met four months ago, and my son has since met him both in group settings and one on one (as of about a month ago).

I asked what the plan was and if she was sure it was a good idea introducing my son when there’s so much going on and it’s such a new relationship, and she just looked at me as if I had two heads and said ‘we’re totally committed. We’re for life’ (she’s a 37 year old business owner - she’s never previously spoken like she’s on Love Island so I don’t know what the heck is going on)

We then went through the list of activities he was doing with my son, or at least tried to - my wife kept saying ‘this feels really intrusive and I’m not sure why I should have to answer these questions’(?!) This man is apparently reading bedtime stories to my son on the bed I used to (with his mother on the same bed), and taking him on day trips. He hasn’t moved in but he’s ‘around a lot’. He also ‘kisses and cuddles [my son] but only when [my son] comes and asks’ (this seems particularly strange - my son is a typical two and half year old little boy and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he’s spontaneously gone to anyone apart from me (including his grandmother who practically raised him) for a kiss or a cuddle)

Most upsettingly of all, apparently my son ‘adores’ this individual. I’m afraid at this point I had a bit of an emotional meltdown and started crying (I’m much better now - family have since pointed out just how unlikely this is given how little time it’s been and how wary my son seems of him)

At this I asked her to leave (we were at my family’s house) and she wouldn’t - she kept trying to touch my arm and saying ‘I was always going to meet someone’ (she is a bit of a narcissist so I suspect she thinks my reaction is something to do with missing her vs been terrified about what’s happening to my son). However eventually she did go.

She won’t go and see a child psychologist as she ‘doesn’t want to over analyse things’. She suggested I should though, since apparently my reaction to the news has been ‘abnormal’...

Any advice? My sister has a couple of friends who are therapists / doctors and they’ve indicated my wife may have some kind of personality disorder, and is unlikely to change. In which case, how best to protect our son? I like the idea of just being a constant for him and not dividing my time so it’s one on one always, but any other advice very welcome!

Hello @Tocquers - I've just noticed your update. I'm so sorry- it must be heartbreaking for you. Just so hard. I think one of the most difficult things as a divorced parent- particularly of younger children- is seeing them getting on with a new step-parent. I say this from the perspective of a step-mother. I'm also a mother so I can imagine how it hurts.
The only advice I have really is that things won't always be like this. Time will help you, and your son will always love you. You will always be his daddy. It seems hard to believe now- but I know as a step-parent of a couple of decades standing that some of the hard stuff I never thought we'd get through is just a memory now.
You sound like a wonderful, sensitive, caring parent- which is exactly what your son needs. Good luck x