Husband’s pain difficult to handle

[Tentoes21]

Hi MNs

This is a slightly random thread but I’m not sure what to do as the atmosphere in our house is getting bad.

I have one DC, 1 year old.
Since I can remember, my DH has had back pain which isn’t so bad he can’t work/function/exercise/ live normally.

But he complains about it a lot and it’s really bringing me down.
When DC was tiny, DH would let out huge pained moans every time he picked him up
And I was conscious it must be sad for the baby to hear pained noises like that.
I told myself DH couldn’t help it tho and that I should have more empathy but 1 years later it’s reslly challenging me.

DH will play with, carry and care for DC with enthusiasm but after a limited time he’ll have to hand him back to me because his ‘back is really killing him’ and he makes all kinds of pained noises and gets a bit grumpy.
I know he’s in pain but it sometimes makes me so cross that I’ve been through post birth battle wounds, chronic haemorrhoids (sorry) apeseotomy (spelt wrong) hip pain....and I put all my effort into NOT COMPLAINING while I healed.

I’m at the point now where my patience is wearing thin and I am really concerned that his negative vibe - making pained noises, sighing, complaining, saying he can’t play with DC any more - MUST be having a negative effect on DC.

He’s too little to know that the pain isn’t about HIM and he’s too little to understand that his daddy isn’t cross or sad or tired BECAUSE of him.

DH is on N HS waiting list for a scan but it will be months of waiting and I’m not sure I can let it go on.
I’ve tried talking to him but he’s defensive and feels I think I’m not being sympathetic enough.

Anyone had similar experiences or have any advice? Perhaps I sound heartless but I feel there are ways to manage medium pain like this so it doesn’t impact the ones around you.

Thanks all x

There are lots of ways he can manage his pain. Pilates is excellent. He needs to stop waiting for someone else to sort it and try and help himself. Is he overweight with a flabby belly? If so then he needs to lose weight, improve his core to support his back and look into doing pilates. A few lessons then he can continue from home.

I'd be irritated too OP presumably he's quite young?

Sounds very similar to my back pain, mechanical back pain it's called.

I started seeing a sports physio 8 months ago and it's really starting to improve, if you can afford it, I'd suggest seeking out a good local sports physio or chiropractor.

Thanks both - that’s the frustrating thing - he was seeing a physio on NHS but he stopped. He just didn’t go back after a few sessions.

I'd be pretty angry if he's not helping himself.

So he can't work in any capacity because of it?

What does he so day to day?

I'd use savings if he has any to fast track some treatment.

Can you afford a scan privately?

Sorry my phrasing was bad - he CAN work and does. He goes to gym too, and lives a normal life.

Goes to the gym! What does he do there? Cheeky so and so.

He's doing a grand job on you.

Dropped the physio?

I'd be saying it can't be that bad then AND he manages the Gym.

Hhhmmmmm....

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with him apart from being an arse.

Has he seen a physio?

She has already said he saw a physio for a while.

Osteopathy and chiropractics are good, won't break the bank. My husband goes.

He’s too little to know that the pain isn’t about HIM and he’s too little to understand that his daddy isn’t cross or sad or tired BECAUSE of him.

I wouldn't worry too much about this. I've had a lot of advice on it as my back is mechanically rebuilt and I may struggle to lift my children. I've been assured that if baby is too young to understand that it's daddy's back that hurts, they are too young to assign that blame to themselves.

That said, it sounds like he's doing fuck all to make this better and he's still managing the gym and things... I also go to the gym and work, but I engage with treatment and generally don't moan about it. This morning it is sore and DP ran me a bath, before that I can't remember the last time it was sore enough to mention it. I try hard not to make it a constant thing in our lives.

I have, in the past, vommitted with acute back pain, had sciatica that stopped me driving (or doing anything excet screaming). Yes, pregnancy and birth still have to be recovered from and as a mother i took everything in board i could to make it so i wouldnt let down my dc!

I have had to have traction and physio and gym back training from consultant, chiropracter, osteopath, and i have also walked away [crawled] from damaging physio which led to my sciatica.

I have to do things to make sure my back is well supported by my core muscles and flexibility exercises, always.

When i am in pain it makes me short-tempered. I just want/need it to stop.

I only say this to give context to my following comments....he is not demonstrating he wants to spend time with your baby, he is not showing that he is much bothered by how his back condition is impeding and affecting his relationship with his dc.

It is his responsibility, and it is hard to be endlessly around someone continually complaining thats not doing anything about it!

Its hard physically, having babies/toddlers, but there are ways of adapting how you interact/play. How does he think severely physically impaired parents manage, they adapt because they dont want to erode their relationship witht their dc.

I would tell him how you feel and make it clear what you are seeing with your own eyes, someone who doesnt do anything (to improve) for the benefit of his relationship with his dc.

Op do we share husbands? The howling overdramatic cries of pain, yet utterly focussed on going to the gym and doing running? And he said that the pilates classes he went to exacerbated the pain.

OP with respect it kind of is about your baby because it seems to stop him doing stuff he doesn’t want to but not the stuff he does. When he has enough of playing it’s his back as an excuse
And he stopped physio as well

I'd be inclined to think he's bull shitting and I would have told him this a long time ago. He's taking the absolute piss out of you. If he can manage to go to work AND the gym then he's obviously not that bad is he?

So the only activity he can't do is look after the baby? And he gave up the physio and is doing nothing to get better?

It absolutely sounds like he is just trying to get out of doing childcare!

Sorry but I have chronic back pain, fully diagnosed with scans. If I thought my husband was talking about me like this I'd be quite upset.

I can be very grouchy, short tempered and moan quite a lot because it hurts. And like a pp said, you can feel sick with the pain sometimes. You're advised to try and live as normal a life as possible and exercise.

There's a saying we have. We're not faking being ill, we're just so good at faking being well.

Give him a break for God's sakes and I've had four children so I know how utterly painful pregnancy and childbirth can be.

After my daughter's birth I've been left with horrendous back pain, it doesn't even compare to childbirth. It hurts to sit, and stand and interferes with everything.

Oh and you usually only get a few sessions of nhs physio.

The difference is you dont see/feel a positive intent.

If hes wriggling out of being with his own dc, its not just a childcare issue its a lack of care issue.

Like I said, there are lots of ways he can interact with baby, he can run with pushchair....many DMs i know do this.