Being a mum without your mums support

[Rosietearoom]

My mum has never really been a support to me in any way.
Not through school, teenage years and all the things life throws at you inbetween.
I’m now a mum and this is where I’ve noticed it most that I don’t have her support.
I’ve have severe postnatal depression, and I think I massive part of it is the lack of support. I’ve told her I’m struggling, I’ve told her I’ve been diagnosed with postnatal depression but She’s been particularly unsympathetic.
I find it really hard to accept, but I know it’s just the way she is.
I’m really interested how others have found it who are in a similar situation where they haven’t had their mothers support after having a baby.
I don’t mean to upset anyone who’s mums have passed away or don’t have their mums in their life for another reason.

That must be really hard that she’s let you down once again when you’re most in need of help. I know that when I became a mother I strangely felt in need of my own mother more than ever before. Unfortunately she’s an attention seeking narcissist and rather than helping me with my (now 3) children she just tried to get me running round after her. I live abroad so don’t see her much anyway but now I’ve reduced all contact to the bare minimum. I’m not saying that’s what you should do. But I think you just need to accept the relationship is how it is and is unlikely to improve in the near future. Take some distance from her if that helps and try to build up a network of people who will be there for you. Do you have any friends with babies the same age? Do you go to any baby groups where you’re likely to meet other new mums? Try to surround yourself with the people who help you the most. I think about my mum multiple times a day and lament the fact that our relationship isn’t better. But she’s not going to change so there’s no point investing the little time and energy I have in it.

I also had this feeling during pregnancy and early motherhood, of wanting support from my Mum. I ranted and raved at her during both pregnancies that she wasn't there for me and she just didn't get it.
Just remember OP that you'll be a great Mum because you know what not to do.

chloechloe it’s horrible isn’t it? I’ve sometimes felt like I’ve expected too much? Like I shouldn’t just expect her to be there just because she’s my mum, but then if you see someone you’re supposed to love struggling wouldn’t you do anything you could to help them?
I do have friends with babies the same age, but the postnatal depression makes it hard to get motivation to see people. I think they probably don’t want to see me because I’m so miserable and depressed ( I’m not like this at all in person, I never let my depression show, it’s just my toxic mind sometimes)
And I’ve tried baby groups, again I just find it all quite hard atm, but should definitely male more of an effort to go.

imnot I’ve ranted and raved at my mum as well, her excuse is she’s already done all that (looking after babies) and doesn’t want to do it again. Is that an okay thing to say? I don’t even know

Just to add I don’t expect my mum to look after DS at all. It would just be nice to chat to her sometimes, offer to come round for a cuppa, if she’s popping to the shop do I want anything. Just little thing s make a huge difference

I stopped having any contact with mine when DS was 3 weeks old. Hes 7 months now and I think I downplay how hard its been. We've always had a terrible relationship, she spent all of my childhood emotionally abusing and scapegoatig me and it took me such a long time to finally accept that she wasn't who I wanted and needed her to be.

Whats harder is that nobody understands WHY I dont talk to her, I've had so many people tell me I'm being cruel and I'm not doing right by DS because I won't bring him round to see her. It really pisses me off, its bad enough basically having to grieve someone whos still alive without having people blame me.

I feel you OP, it really is so difficult. I'm lucky to be really close to MIL so that helps somewhat. She knows my relationship with my mam so trys even harder to be there for me which is amazing, but its not the same.

If you ever need to talk you can PM me. You are never alone, theres always someone out there going through something similar and willing to listen. Stay strong ❤

Went off on a bit of a tangent there sorry!

My mum has never been a support, she was a teenager and single when I was born and just didn’t have the maternal love for me. I was raised by my grandparents and they’re the ones who’ve been there when I needed them. I had always managed to put my mum in a little box and not think of her but when I had my first child it was like someone had opened the lid to the box. I was tortured with thoughts how she could abandon me, I was so desperate not to be like her. I was also single and a teenager and it just got too much. I was admitted to the psychiatric ward.

That was many years ago and every time my depression comes back, it’s always thoughts about my mum/lack of mum and anger.

I deal with this by recognising these feelings, talking about them, reminding myself that I’m not her and most importantly - not expecting her to change. I have been through traumatic times in life and she’s never been there - physically not emotionally nor financially. She’s very unwell now and we don’t speak. I’ve moved away since 5 years and she’s never visited. She’s never babysat. I reached out last year and I cried for her to be my mum - nothing.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. The silver lining is I now know how to be a better mum, I tell my children I love them every day (she never did) and they know I’ll always be there.

thelonewolf You’re braver than me, I wish I could go nc with my mum, but it’s not easy at all and like you I’d get so much shit off everyone for doing it, especially her (even though she’s rarely bothers to see us).

I doubt myself a lot, I think that maybe I’m just being dramatic and really she’s not that bad, but then I can’t imagine treating my child how she’s been with me.

I get very jealous when I see so many supportive mums around with their daughters and grandchildren.

Thank you for your kind words

perandrubies I’m so so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, I can’t even imagine.
I hope you’re in a better place now.

Having had my own child I can’t ever imagine being so unsupportive like my mum has been. The thing is she thinks it’s normal, she just doesn’t want to look after babies again, so therefore won’t support me in any way when her first grandchild is born. It’s just crazy.
I know I’ll be much more of a better mother than she’s ever been, and I’ve got that to look forward to

Did any of you suffer with postnatal depression? I’m curious to know if there’s a link with having an unsupportive mum

Similar Mum here OP. 🌻I really feel it when I see happy extended families out together. Or Mums and daughters out together.

You'll be a great Mum. 'Do what you can, with what you have, where you are', one of my favourite life sayings - in other words do your best with what you've been given. You'll know what to do to be emotionally there for your kids.

Rosietearoom no its not easy at all. I did it because I honestly felt I had no choice. I just couldn't cope with her anymore. I couldn't subject DS to her behaviour, or myself for that matter.

But you have to be ready, you have to want to do it for yourself. I don't think NC is the right choice for everyone. There are other ways of learning to cope with it and accept it that dont have to be so drastic.

For what its worth, I feel such a relief not speaking to her. I feel like my anxiety has reduced so much. I used to feel myself tense up any time I heard her call my name or saw her number pop up on my phone. Its nice to not have that feeling anymore.

And I get the jealousy thing too. I don't know if that ever goes away. Probably not. But its totally normal, you are missing such an important part of your life, of course its going to hurt seeing others with their mothers x

I didn't have my mum's support ,and I had postnatal depression quite severely with my youngest.

Please be clear this is honestly just how it worked for me but I have always been considered the screw up so weirdly it made me fight to handle it because I wasn't going to prove her right. But my Lord it was tough ,I'm not really sure now whether I did the right thing but it worked out ok.

The upside I guess is DM doesn't ever dare comment on my parenting (I am extremely low contact but do speak to her occasionally ). My Dsis had every support from her under the sun and dm us constantly undermining her and interfering.

At the time when DC were newborn I hated her for it ,now I see it as a positive , she daren't step over a boundary because she knows I wpuld simply drop contact.

I promise OP as hard as it is now (and God knows I remember those dark days well)
It absolutely does get better. Seek help where you can and give yourself some serious props ....and remember you get to be the mother you choose and if she doesn't support now she doesn't ever ever get a say.

I didn't have post-natal depression but had a huge falling out with my mother a month after ds's birth. I think I realised how crap she'd been as a mother as soon as I became a mother myself. I have been affected by the relationship failure but not severely enough to develop depression. The birth effectively triggered the end of the relationship but not depression.

@Registration She may be done looking after babies but she's not finished being your Mum. You're an adult but she can still help you as you'll always be her child. And that is her Grandchild so you would hope she would want to help at least emotionally if nothing else. Like you say, just being there to talk to would help. I'm sorry she's turned out to be like this.
Yes to the jealousy thing, some other Mums I know get childcare from their own Mums and one even moved 60 miles to live on the next street to she could be close and help! I would love for my own Mum to be so involved and to get to know my babies.

@Rosietearoom, sorry phone autocorrected your username.

There are other ways to not have a mother's support as well. My mother died when I was 19. I had my first child at 32 and I used to feel so sad when I saw other new mothers out with their babies and their mothers. That child is now 28 and expecting her own first child, and I really want to give her as much support as I can.

My mother is exactly the same but she doesn't even see it.
She seemed like she wanted to be involved with my son but only when it suited her and once he got out of the baby stage interest went down further. But she was same with me and my sister. From age of 8 I think I pretty much fended for myself until I moved out at 17.
She didn't cook for me or do school work. We just had no bond at all.

Rosie, I could have written your post. I am sad to say that I have no positive memories of my mother as a child. We are now estranged and have been for a good few years now. Funnily enough, I had postnatal depression with my first 2 dcs whilst we were in contact but not so much with my third dc when I was nc. I don't know whether there is a link but I think not being in touch with my mother has lightened the load a fair bit. I got nothing from her, nothing, in fact it was like having another child at times and of course everything that has gone wrong in her life is everybody else's fault. I feel sorry for her now if anything but I can relate to feelings of jealousy toward others who have a supportive dm in their lives (my grandparents brought me up more or less and I was a bit naïve to think my df and dm would do likewise). I look at my neighbour and she is a fabulous gm, who I think is a bit taken for granted by her grown up dcs.

its bad enough basically having to grieve someone who's still alive without having people blame me.
This completely. People who haven't walked in my shoes don't understand this. We don't have much extended family now - I only have one brother and he is low contact for various reasons, so I often feel cut off from my roots somehow, dh's parents are deceased so it's all a bit strange.

Thank you everyone, it’s joce to know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
I do feel like I am a lot when I know so many people who’s mum seem to bend over backwards.
It’s something that I’ll never understand, especially with my DS, although depression is bad atm, I still look at him and my heart melts. But I also have this tugging feeling when I look at him wondering how my own mother could be so distant.

daphnesmate I feel as though if I were to have more DC going NC with my mum would make it easier. There would be nothing to expect from her, I wouldn’t feel like she was there but wasn’t there if that makes sense

Nice to know

And yes I know what you mean about being cut off from your roots.
I’m in contact with all my family, but none of us are at all close. It’s hard and such a shame.
Makes me feel lost somehow

Hi Rosie, Yes, I get the being there but not being there thing completely. The thing is my mother just wasn't going to change. It took quite a dramatic event in my life to enfold to go n.c. I can't say I feel completely guilt free, I still feel responsible for her in a strange way but I think my mental health has been much better as a result. Unfortunately, my father was abusive and I am also n.c. with him. For years, I waited for his approval but again, it was never going to come. I am much better off without that pair, my grandparents were more like parents to me and it's them that I think about and miss the most (now deceased).

It’s crazy how many people are in the same boat.
I really feel sometimes that mums like mine are very rare, but then I guess people don’t really talk about it. I don’t really, only to people I feel close enough to tell.
So sorry to hear everyone else’s experiences.
Hopefully we can keep on making ourselves and our DC proud and be nothing like our own mums

Yeah I always assumed it was rare too until I came on here really. Mumsmet actually helped me a lot with coming to terms with the fact that she won't change. I think its a big reason for me actually going NC (that and my brother and SIL practically begging me to stop giving her chances).

Its sad really. I just hope and pray that my son never feels that way about me.