A two year old whose tantrums are out of control

[almaskery]

Hello

I have a two and a half years old girl, and a one and a half year old boy. The girl in the past few months has turned into the most difficult child on the planet: she throws tantrums for the slightest thing, and when she does so she scratches her face and pulls her hair. To see her you would think she went ten rounds with the local moggy.

It's at its worst around bedtime and through the night, especially when her mother is trying to get her brother to sleep. She screams, she does the face scratching thing and the wails just get louder and louder. This morning it all kicked off at 4am and went on for about an hour. Her other big thing is that she doesn't just want to be held, she wants us to hold her and carry her - it's not enough to sit with her in our arms. If we try and do that she causes World War 3.

We are at our wits end. We try talking to her and reasoning with her; we've tried shouting at her; and, even tried putting her in her cot as a means of time out. Nothing works. It has gotten to the stage where we dread bedtime.

If anyone has any advice, it will be greatly received.

First take her to the GP and get ear infections and utis ruled out. They can cause the worst behaviour and are often not obvious.

Then if it nothing medical, you are going to have to deal with her behaviour, you will need to ignore the face scratching and head banging, the more you react to it, the more you will increase it.

Every time she starts a tantrum, you make sure she is somewhere safe and then say “i dont understand you, when you are calm we can talk about it” then literally turn your back and ignore her. While actually keeping a bit of an eye in case she tries todo something properly dangerous. If you need to move her somewhere safe, then just pick her up by and move her with no talking.

It may take a while as tantrums are appropriate at her age, so she may need to literally ‘grow out of it’ but if you ignore them, you wont increase their frequency

Firstly I would cut her nails to the absolute quick, as short as they can go. I remember getting some advice in here about tantruming which basically said that their world should be the same before as after the tantrum, they are young and can't control their emotions properly yet so they shouldn't be punished for a tantrum but neither should they get whatever it is they tantrummed over IYSWIM. Have you tried star charts? They started working at around this age with my 2. Special stars for specific 'good bedtime behaviour'?

I can't recommend the Daniel Siegel No drama discipline book highly enough. Lots of strategies with rationale based on neuroscience.

My two year old son has been having some extreme tantrums over the last three weeks or so relating to nappy changes, getting dressed, sun cream and the car. I downloaded the Siegel book on Audible and have started following their advice and it's working really well.

It talks about needing to calm the child down, they can't learn or be rational when in the midst of an emotional outburst. Ignoring doesn't help. Calming them down by giving a cuddle, showing empathy and validating their feelings is key (e.g. I can see you don't like x, that's really hard"). There are loads of examples in the book.

Thank you all for your responses so far.

We tried the ignoring thing - it hasn't worked for us. It makes her worse if truth be told, although maybe if we persevere in it, she may calm down eventually.

Star charts we haven't tried. It is something I'll look in to. Not sure how much she'll understand it though. Even if we have said to her be good and you'll get x.....she goes okay, and then two minutes later the tantrum starts. Everyday we say to her, tonight we don't want any crying and she'll say okay, etc, and then as soon as night comes, it all goes out the window.

I have never heard of Daniel Siegel. I'll check him out.

Thank you all again.

It's basic but I did a version of ignoring - sitting calmly in the same room and just saying in a quiet voice 'oh dear I'm sorry ds is so upset, when we is feeling better we can have a lovely cuddle' and stuff like that - almost talking to the wall.

The mist important thing imo is tgatcwhen the tantrum is over, it's over, forgotten and you immediately start praise - 'wow I love your big hugs, your hugs are the best. And look at your clean teeth, minty fresh, you're the best at cleaning tgem every single day. And sitting so still to put cream on your scratches! wow, so grown up' etc etc. Praise praise praise.

my ds never got star charts at this age, they weren't immediate enough. But I've known kids who did. In the same way the star charts are really flexible and random - don't have any rules about them at this age, just hand out vast amounts of stars whenever the behaviour is good.

I've just seen that you say 'today we don't want any crying' - dont use negative constructions. What do you want her to do? Say it positively. 'Tonight's going to be a happy bedtime' or whatever. Crucially, tell her it was a happy bedtime even if it wasn't- something will have gone right - did she go up three stairs before the tantrum hit, did she kiss her brother goodnight? But imo trying to do it with language at this age is futile, though I haven't read the Siegel book. They're too young, do it in the moment with tone of voice.

There may be some tweaks to the bedtime routine? how does it go at the moment?

I agree about lots of praise and lots of stars, so pj's on-star on the chart, teeth brushed -star, sat to listen to story nicely -star, 'wow! Look at all of these stars!', small reward (little sticker sheet or something). Tantrums are awful , not least for person having one!

My DC2 was the most awful tantrumer, although she didn't hurt herself. I had thought DC1 was pretty bad, but generally the ignoring would work with her. With DC2, absolutely nothing worked. Once she had lost control, that was it. Ideally, you will recognise a tantrum is brewing and be able to distract, but I know this is not always possible.

I'm not sure how successful reward charts etc would be, because for some children it literally is a total loss of control that they can't seem to do anything about, especially at age 2. My DC would have ripped down any sort of chart during a tantrum. She is always remorseful and full of shame afterwards and would be very upset about not having earned the reward. I agree with the advice about being forgiving and cuddling straight after.

We have been dealing with these excessive tantrums for years. She even has the occasional one now at age 6, if she is very tired. At your DC's age, I found the best thing was just to sit as closely as possible, cuddling if allowed, which might mitigate the scratching. I would play a quiet child's medication video on my phone which would sometimes distract her.

The key is to learn triggers and early warning signs and then try to head off the tantrum before it really gets going, but this isn't always possible, especially with a two year old. It's easier as they get older. We have identified particular comfort toys and get them as soon as possible. Also, sniffing a scented toy has helped, possibly because it encourages deep breathing. We've also got some child- friendly books about controlling your emotions, although they are probably beyond a two year old.

Practically, definitely keep nails short and smooth so she can't hurt herself. And she will grow out of it sooner or later. Speak to your HV in case they recommend anything, although I always found they had standard advice that might have worked for my DC1, but wasn't helpful with an extreme tantrumer.

meditation video, not medication!

If you try the star charts don’t make them too complicated and avoid generalities like ‘be good’. Make the reward obvious, e.g. show her the stickers she will get for filling in x number of stars, break down activities into small components, e.g. put one sock on, put another sock on, include activities you know she can do easily to make sure she gains stars.

Also, do you always put her to bed while her mother does your DS? If yes, can you swap parents every night? She may be feeling a bit jealous even though she has a parent with her.

Thanks for the additional responses.

I hear what you're saying re the negative language. It's something we will both need to get out of using.

In relation to her tantrums - anything can start her off. And I mean, anything. It's very difficult to predict when she is going to have a meltdown. We can say there will be one at bedtime, but at which point, it can be quite difficult to determine. The day before yesterday she was fine - although I can't say what we did differently. Yesterday, though it was horrible tbh.

As for switching parents - not really possible, as my wife does what only women and their children can do before he sleeps. And we don't like feeding him powdered milk, so we cannot really swap.

I'll try all your suggestions and see which works best - even it lessens the tantrums, it'll be a victory.

Hi any updates on your darling daughter ?👧