Hi ladies, I'm new to mumsnet and joined specifically because I need some advice regarding my current situation or just a few comments about what you would do in my shoes.
I have a son from a previous relationship who is now 7 years old. I made the decision to split from his dad when he was 2. I was 17 when I got pregnant and we tried to make things work but they simply didn't. The relationship was dysfunctional, toxic and we hated each other. He was mentally abusive and I felt like I was raising my son by myself. I have always struggled with my mental health - mostly anxiety and depression. I felt like being with him triggered this even more as he consistently tried to bring me down about anything and everything. He made me feel like I was failing as a mother and as a human being. For example when I got accepted into university, he told me not to get a big head because even dumb people get into university and that it doesn't mean I have achieved anything big. It was awful. He loved pointing out everything I ever did wrong and didn't help me with anything to do with our son. He would tell me that it is my job to get up in the night when the baby was crying because I have 'maternal instinct' and he didn't hear him cry at night anyway! He only ever cared about himself and the way he looked, going to the gym, meeting with his friends and trying to pursue his career.
I had little support from my family and when I spoke to my mum about this she insisted that I wait until my son is a little older to split up with him and hinted that I should basically try to make it work for the sake of my son. I couldn't. I dreaded every time I knew he would come home because all we would do is argue. I cried every time I was alone because I was so unhappy.
When I eventually decided to end it he simply didn't understand why. He is such a narcissist that he saw no wrong in himself, and in his eyes everything was fine and I was crazy trying to break the family up.
When he moved out, not a lot changed with regards to looking after my son. I was so use to doing everything on my own that it really made no difference to me when he moved out. By this time I was a full time student at university and working part time on weekends. Soon I
began to struggle with the bills as we had many things on finance in our home and everything was in my name. I was falling behind at university and I was dealing with the death of my granddad who was like a father to me. I felt alone with no one to turn to and began second guessing myself about whether I made the right decision by splitting up with him. He would continue to talk down to me whenever he came to pick our son up because he hated me. He hated me for the fact that I left him and wanted me to suffer for it- and I did.
Things got so bad that I felt like a complete failure. I thought that it would be better for my son to be raised by someone else because I was a terrible mother (everything his dad tried to drill into my head since we split up). I know this is ridiculous now but at the time it was stronger than me and I had no control over these thoughts.
At my lowest point my family intervened and suggested that my son temporarily lives with him while I sort everything out. I was a mental health outpatient at the time and taking a lot of medication. When my son went to live with him it killed me. Instead of getting better I got worse because I felt like I lost the most important thing in my life, my son. All I knew before was to be a mother and now that was taken away from me and my mental health deteriorated. I lost the house and needed up renting a room and struggling for work.
My ex was jumping for joy because he could finally prove that I was a failure and refused to let me see my son claiming that I was not good for him. He even told me he wishes I was dead. He eventually got into a relationship with someone new. He basically used her as a nanny so he could all the things he wanted to do while she looked after our son.
I fought for years to see my son. I didn't have money for solicitors so it was basically the case of begging him but he always refused to let me see him. I was devastated. He used our son as a weapon to punish me. He convinced his new partner that I was a bad mother and that I gave my son up and didn't care about him so she initially didn't think I was a good person either. He repeatedly told me that I was not our son's mother and that I only gave birth to him and then gave him up. He would constantly say that his new partner is now our son's mum and told our son to call her mum. (I tried my hardest not to break down during these times..) I eventually got in contact with her over social media and explained the situation to her. She was lovely and very sympathetic. She was shocked because he painted such a terrible picture of me to her but I was simply a mother trying to get my son back! She said that she knew what kind of person he was and tried her best to convince him to let me see my son. He agreed on and off and this went on for ages. She told me she wanted to leave him too but stayed with him for the sake of our son.
Some of you may think I didn't try hard enough to get my son back but when someone is constantly telling you what a terrible mother/human being you are I began to believe it myself. I was scared to go to the police or anyone else because I thought he would use my mental health against me and try to prove that I am an unfit mother.
Anyway, now a few years down the line I met someone new and we have a daughter together. He is amazing and I thank god for him everyday. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and I feel like I'm finally happy. My ex and his partner split up and my son stays with me every weekend. Basically things settled down..
Obviously since they split up my son still remembers her and mentions her now and again as his step mum. My ex has refused to let her see our son out of spite because she left him just like me. No surprise
Now this is my dilemma...
She recently got in contact with me over social media and asked if we could meet. I agreed. Over the years I had to live with the fact that another woman was bringing up my son when I was not allowed to see him. It took me a lot to be the bigger person and actually speak to her putting all grief aside. I was trying to do what what best for my son.
Anyway, when we met up she asked if she could see my son now and again on a regular basis because she misses him.. He was hugging her and playing with her like he really missed her. It hurt me. It hurt me because I am his mum. Not her. I want my son to build a bond with me again and not look to another other woman as though she is his mum.
Am I wrong?
Should I just let him forget her? Would it be bad to cut her out of his life? I know it may sound harsh but technically she has no place in his life anymore. She is not with his dad and now I am back in the picture. I want to make up for the 4 years I didn't see him much and re build our relationship but I feel like I can't if she is around.
I don't know what to do anymore.. I just want the best for my son..
What would you guys do?
x