Toddler always runs off

[SPR1107]

Looking for some advice.

I have a 2.9 year old. Very articulate, can understand, can verbalise etc. I also have a 9 week old baby.

Whenever we go out, my two year old darts! This was happening before baby, so not a new issue. He is scarily fast, and it's now got to the point where I no longer dare take him anywhere that's any further than a few meters from the car.

I have tried telling him why it's dangerous, saying we will go home if he does it... and following through with it. Praising good behaviour. Talking to him before we go somewhere. Pretending to just wander off and leave him.. he doesn't care!

I don't know what else to do. He thinks it's funny, thinks it's a game. But I can't dart around a shop catching him, and even when I do, he's too heavy for me to wrestle... which is also why reins don't work.

When we go to playschool all the other children wait for the doors to open by standing by their parents. I'm chasing him up and down the street with newborn in tow, trying to catch him and stop him going near the road.

The dangers are frightening. Anyone got any advice please?

Dd was like this. Sometimes I had to just let her have a strop at the end of the reins while I stood still. I couldn't pick her up, she's big/tall for her age and if she was determined to get somewhere she would kick and flail her arms etc making it impossible to pick her up even if I could. Use the reins anyway, even if it's just to stop him running into the road. Dd didn't like them as she got older because only babies wear reins. So it was a good tool to use as a warning, stop doing x because you'll have to go on the reins.

What did work:

Allow double the time you think. A quick trip to the shops for milk - should be 10 mins, allow half hour! By the time she'd had her tantrum because she wasn't allowed to run off and calmed down, she was willing to 'help' by carrying the bags etc.

Tell him exactly what you expect. Before he gets out of the car, tell him you want him to hold onto the pushchair at all times and listen to what Mummy is saying. Remind him if necessary.

Reward chart. Dd could earn a treat every day. Doing a weekly one was useless for her at 2, it was too far away. She could earn a star for brushing teeth nicely (another bone of contention with her). She could earn another one for walking nicely, for good listening etc. Pound shop was good for treats, bubbles, a balloon, a chocolate coin, a trip to soft play - what ever works. As she got nearer 3, the reward chart went, but taking things away as a punishment worked too. Get a big plastic storage box to use as a toy 'jail' (thanks Pinterest). She got 2 warnings, if she did something a third time, a toy got taken away. She had to earn them back.

Not all of this worked all of the time, she can still be a little demon sometimes! But gradually things did change. And don't threaten with consequences you won't carry out! It will get better.

And don't underestimate their ability to understand why you are asking him to not do/do something. Explain it fully. I need you to hold my hand because it's busy, you could get lost. Or because it's a car park, cars can't see you because you are small and you could get hurt. We need to leave now because the baby needs changing/feeding, if you do it nicely you can earn a star... etc.

It will get better. But get strict/firm. I was way too soft with dd for too long and it did us no favours. It was a shock to her system when I finally started laying down rules and expectations, but she is so much better at 3.5 than she was at 2.5.

Goodness OP, that sounds stressful. DD1 was also a runner, was a surprise when DD2 came along and didn't run off! Sounds like you're doing all the right things. It's very hard to get through to them I know, it's just something they grow out of.

I found taking DD1 to safe places where she could just have a run around and blow off steam helped. Trying to make a distinction 'we can run around in the park when mummy says but not when we're walking down the street'. 'Walk nicely now and then we can go to the park and have a run round there'. And yes use rewards, 'you walked so nicely today, shall we put a sticker on your sticker chart?'

Secondhand out and about nippers hold their value so if you buy one you should be able to sell it on again without losing much money when you don't need it anymore.

There's a Facebook page for selling secondhand out n abouts on you can join and ask if anyone is selling a double best you (they are about £150 usually) alternatively your genetic local selling sites might have them cheaper from people just looking to get rid of baby stuff.

It's worth a look, and if you think of it as money that you probably should get back eventually can you afford it?

My 2 year old went through this stage mainly with his dad though. He tried it a couple of times with me and was told he is going in the buggy like a baby as he won’t wslk like a big boy. He had a couple of massive tantrums but I would rather that than him be in danger. He knows now he must wear his reigns or he will be put in the buggy. I am heavily pregnant and it’s not a choice he gets. He is on his reigns and waking nicely or in the buggy. The reigns are a better option for him. You really need to stand firm on this one. I have also said things to him such as we won’t be going to toddlers if you won’t walk around the shop nicely then not taken him if he plays up.

Totally normal behaviour OP and I'm here to tell you they eventually grow out of it.

It in the meantime you obviously need to keep him safe and also keep your sanity!

I had a buggy board at that age and stood mine on it. Also attached a little life back pack to him which he would not walk with on (would just drop to the floor/refuse it) but I like to keep on him to hold when he was on the buggy board so I knew that he couldn't suddenly run off.

I found pushing the buggy fast when he was on the board helped as it was exciting for him and also meant I got places quicker!

It's so stressful I really feel for you but some kids are just like this despite being given boundaries and you doing all the hard work.

@Arabuella just to break it to you that you aren't the world's most amazing parent, you just have not had a child like this. Get down off your high horse.

Just on the practicalities of handling, I have a problem with my back and have to walk large dogs that can pull, so I take an extra long lead and anchor it around my hips. I don’t tie it to anything, I would imagine a toddler could pull a buggy over, but this way I can use my weight to stop the pulling. He’ll need a pair of very well fitting reins, which don’t move.

Immediate consequences may also be helpful, e.g. if he tried to run ahead you stop, refuse to move and wait till he comes to stand next to you. So the more he tries to run towards the park, the less progress he makes, but the more he walks nicely next to you, the faster you get to the park.

Reins don't work because he's too strong for me. I have a chest condition which means I have a weak upper body.

Then tie them round your waist. He's not even three, he can't be that strong.

And can people please stop advising he is told he's acting like a baby so must go into a buggy or on reins, like a baby. Not only is it unhelpful for the child, don't forget it isn't only babies who need to use these things.

Try double reins - the ones that go around the waist and the backpack, and tie both of them to your pushchair or yourself when you walk.

Op in what way don't reins work?

The ones you have aren't fitted properly if they're falling. You said he was big for his age, so the reins def shouldn't be too large.
How about the back pack ones? It's just a clip over their chest and then a long strap for you.

Reins on in car before you get out then keep it very short so he can't get any momento. Can you push pushchair and hold his hand at the same time? So reins in, strap wrapped round his wrist and his hand in yours?

The reality is you aren't safe with him atm, so I'd be stopping all unnecessary trips.

If he's good on the way to nursery he gets a sticker. Same on way back. If he gets the whole row(say a weeks worth) he gets a trip to the park when another adult can be there.
Shop online or whilst he's a nursery.

Not only is it unhelpful for the child, don't forget it isn't only babies who need to use these things
Seconded. It really doesn't help people teaching their kids my 4 yo must still be a baby / must behave like a baby becasue he's in a pushchair.

I would get a sling for the baby then you can put the toddler in the buggy. If he is too big for the buggy if baby is in a sling you keep hold of his hand easier when walking
. He seems to think it is a game at the moment. Try to get him away from that. Praise a lot when he holds your hand nicely he he tries to get away grip tighter but don't react in any other way. When he holds your hand nicely play games, chat while walking along and give him lots of attention. If he tries to get away stop chatting, playing.

Have you tried looping the reins over the handles of your baby's pram? I had to do with my my eldest. Buggy board with reins. Reinforce boundaries. ' We are going to xyz. We are going to walk nicely and slowly. You will hold mummy's hand with reins or the buggy board with reins. If you jump down/run off then you will not have xyz treat/park/hot chocolate etc and we will go home instead'. Then every time he walks nicely lay it on thick 'wow! Amazing walking. What a big boy, such good walking! You are showing everyone how to do good walking!' . The whole time praise him. If he runs off, see through the consequence but to be honest if you loop the proper old style round the tummy over the shoulders clasp at back reins and clip it to the buggy he shouldn't be able to do anything but walk nicely next to you

Do you live near an open space? We live near moorland.

When did was at this age I took her to an isolated area and let her run. I followed her but hidden behind bushes. When she realised she couldn’t find me, she initially thought it was funny, but then she started to get worried.

At the point just before she panicked I ran to her and acted as though she’d been lost and I was scared.

She found it hilarious, and still talks about it as ‘the time I ran away from you’. But she never ran off again.

OP I sadly have very little advice - but I'm in exactly the same situation with a nearly 3yo DS and a 9 week old baby. My DS sounds just like yours. It's exhausting. Friends can't believe it when I explain what he's like; their kids just aren't the same. I get looks that feel like some if the comments up thread about 'parenting your child'. Then they experience it for themselves!! They realise that we're similar in the way we parent just with very different children.

I use backpack reins, he goes in buggy / high chair when he doesn't stay close while walking / at mealtimes (which are also an issue). But nothing really changes and he's always been like this. I hope he grows out of it soon and also hope DC2 is more chilled out!!

My DD (2 last month) is exactly the same. We just don’t go anywhere now where she could run into danger (we live down a very quiet street, and I never, ever go into any sort of town!)

We just tend to go to places where she can run free and I try to keep up (park, woods, beach, our garden etc). I don’t have to do any sort of school runs etc so this works fine for us. She also hates the pram, or any sort of carrier / sling and will just cry and scream the whole time she is in there. I’ve given up on trying to make her go in anything like this!

I haven’t actually tried reins for months now as she would just cry on the floor for ages - may give them another go.