Not attached to baby - how to bond?

[Soooloud]

DD is 15 weeks old and I feel really disattached from her. I don’t think she’s bonded to me either.

We’ve got a baby massage course coming up with NCT but other than that I don’t know what else I could possibly do to form a better bond.

Suggestions please!

I found a sling and as many cuddles as possible the best way to bond when I found it tricky.

Why do you not think she is bonded to you?

I do need to get another sling. I have the AMA baby wrap. I don’t really get along with it and DD hates it!

I don’t think she’s bonded to me as she just seems to prefer other people. I can never console her when she cries either.

Is she quite with other people and then cries with you? This means she is bonded. Going quiet is an evolutional response to dangers in the wild. She knows your not near to protect her so she goes quiet so wild animals don’t find her and eat her. She cries when you are there because she knows you will protect her.

I couldn’t manage a wrap either. Is there a sling library near you?

Give it time, OP. Honestly, I don’t think I bonded with my son until he was a year old and I’d gone back to work. He’s fabulous, and we have a lovely relationship now — he’s 7 — and I only wish I’d known that things take time and not panicked about it at the start.

How is she as a baby? Feeding well, crying much generally, sleeping well?

What is your daily/weekly routine look like?

How are you feeling generally?

Thanks all.

I didn’t think of a sling library. I’ll take a look. Would need to be one where she can look outwards. She’s such a nosey little thing and loves watching everything. She doesn’t like being in the pram as she would rather look around.

Yeah I get all the screaming then she’s all happy and chilled when DH comes home. Grandparents have never seen her cry.

She has got reflux which is making her a bit crabby but she’s getting much better. She wakes up twice in the night so not terrible.

I just get barely any enjoyment out of her as she spends a large part of her day crying. I don’t know anyone with babies so I don’t know if they are just all miserable at this stage which isn’t helping so I’d like to fun things with her to help us bond.

We go to groups or into town most days although not done anything so far today

I was the same. I remember sobbing to my health visitor that I was worried we hadn't bonded and hadn't created attachment to the point I was considering a child psychologist to assess us. At our 10 month review she commented we had bonded and had in fact created the secure attachment I so desperately craved. He is 2 now and we have a lovely bond and he's very clingy still.

15 weeks is very early, so dont be hard on yourself.

OP, have you been feeling like this ever since the birth? I’m just wondering, because post natal depression can cause emotional numbness or blunting of response, so you may not feel the love or have much of a reaction to your baby at all, other then going through the motions of feeding and changing her.
If you feel emotionally normal with your partner and friends, and happy in yourself, then it’s less likely.
Not every mother feels a gush of love or instant bond with their baby- I certainly didn’t, I was just rather horrified by the responsibility, and bored witless being stuck at home away from my work and colleagues.
I didn’t feel a definite connection until my DD was a few months old and beginning to chuckle and communicate with me.
I don’t have any magic fix - just “tincture of time”, as my Irish colleague used to call it! - in other words, wait a while, it will improve on its own. Meanwhile, do as you have been, get out and about, join groups for company and reassurance, and don’t beat yourself up over it.

I remember telling my HV and GP that I didn't love DS. I would tell him I loved him while inside my head screaming 'what sort of monster lies to a baby'. I didn't truly bond with him until about a year although there was steady improvement before that.

DS is now 3 and I adore him and he adores me. We have the most awesome bond I could ever have asked for. With a baby as long as you are keeping them warm, fed and cuddling them they will be happy and feel bonded to you.

Definitely talk to your HV and see if they can provide any help but it will come :)

I remember I didn’t start slinging until nearly 6 months and we started cosleeping then too. It wasn’t until then we really bonded.

They still get a good view from inward facing slings as they can look out of both sides.

Is she getting treatment for the reflux?

I didn't feel a bond with DS to start with. I did slowly start to bond with him over the first year but found the bonding get much better after 1. I think our bond has increased with the more personality he has developed. He is 2.5 and I am still bonding with him. I don't think bonding is anything you stop doing, it just progresses.

I found going back to work made a difference. Almost because I was spending less time with him it was becoming more quality time.