Separated parents advice please :/

[Esnjim]

Hello all,

Please advise if you can, I'm pulling my hair out.

I have an 11 year old daughter, her father and I have been separated since she was a baby and have managed to deal with most things amicably....up until now.

It's the most ridiculous thing really, but my daughter wants to start a club that will be 3 hours long every Saturday in a subject matter she's really passionate about. This means if she was to do i would lose that time with her on a Saturday...and so will he on this weekend's. (We do every other weekend)

I am happy for her to do this, I really believe the benefits for her would be fantastic, and I am willing to pay, and to drop her off and collect every weekend (if dad wants). He however has said no. Daughter heartbroken. This has been ongoing for months, she keeps asking about it and trying to find ways around it etc etc It's quite painful to witness.

So I guess I'm asking how others have dealt with things like this as their children get older, I can only imagine it will happen more and more.....at what point is the child's voice heard?

Thanks in advance

I just wondered if perhaps you could pay for her to do it and then she goes to it on the weekends you have her but if her dad won’t change his mind can she not go on those weekends or would the club not accept her on that basis? I know it’s far from ideal but perhaps if she could at least attend some of it, it would be better than doing none of it?

Thank you for your reply. I have tried that, unfortunatley they wouldn't except her on those terms.

We already do that for swimming, I pay for her to take swimming lessons every other Sunday on my weekend :(

The advice I was given by my solicitor when I got divorced was that we should take into account children's wishes about contact from about 12.

Can you talk about rearranging weekends so that you have every Saturday and he has every Sunday?

If he refuses to take her feelings into consideration, will she still want to go to his EOW?

My DDs recently wanted to go to a birthday party for a friend. It was on a Daddy night. He said no (because his friends were coming over and he wanted them there). I told them they were free to choose to stay at mine instead and I'd let them go. I'm not going to back him up when he's prioritising his friends over theirs. He was pretty annoyed, but they're teenagers, they have every right to decide which house they want to be in.

Tbh I've been taking their wishes into account since they were a lot younger than 12. Eg picking one up early if she's saying time at daddy's feels too long, missing me. I managed to agree it with him in the past, though.

Ah, I see my Sat/Sun idea won't work.

What an arse. Does she enjoy her time with him? I think if he can't be bothered, relegate him to week nights. Tell him the current arrangement isn't working in your DDs interests and needs changing.

Thank you, honeslty this is causing me so much stress.

I have spoken to him about week nights instead. We have very little contact with him currently through the weeks. He has said he can't because he works....(So do i). He's just being so unreasonable.

His main reason for her not doing this club is that -It's not about our daughter, it's about him, his wife and two other children. It's not fair in them to not go on days out on their weekend as they would have to wait for daughter to finish club before doing anything. It doesn't fit in with their lives.

I also have another child and a husband...

Is it me? I really don't get it?

Well, it's not fair on his DD that she has to put her life on hold to suit other family members, is it?

When he says your suggestions don't work for him (eg weeknights), I think it's helpful to reply in terms of your DD: the current arrangement isn't working for her. This isn't about him or you: it's about finding a way to manage contact that puts her needs first.

What does DD think of her dad and her weekends with him?