Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Adoption help.

16 replies

RedOliver77x · 03/06/2019 18:49

Im married and i have children eith my partner. Last year during a seperation i was raped and concievdd a child. Alot of advice and thinking later i decided to birth the child and put her up for adoption due to personal reasons aswell as the way she was convieved. I concealed my pregnancy from my husband. We were not together and i didnt want to discuss anything with him. My baby was born she is now 2 months old. Shes in foster care and my social worker has found a family for my daughter. However today my social worker called me to tell me i need a solicotor as they sre taking my czse to court as my husband who i am seperated (yet Tryin to eork through problems with) has partenal responsibilites over my child and i cannot give her up for adoption without his consent as we are married.. I have 2days till the court hearing, is this correct?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 18:55

Have you made it clear that he's not the father? Technically yes, he would be presumed to be the father, which would mean they would have to ask his consent. They may be Concerned that you have lied about the father to conceal the baby from your husband. It's a tricky situation but I think you need to explain why you wouldn't want your husband to know. I can only assume you would be worried about his reaction - otherwise this is an extreme way to handle things.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 18:56

Actually it's a good thing that they are going to court. It means they aren't going to just inform your husband but they need to ask a judge to make the decision. You need to persuade the judge of the truth and of why you don't want your husband told.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 18:57

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep General parenting

Original poster

RedOliver77x · 03/06/2019 19:01

Yes i have made it clear. I made it clear to my social worker all along as was told he didng need to know. I am separated from him and i didnt want to tell him i was pregnant because i didnt want to explain it wasnt his and that i was raped. He isnt someone i wanted to talk to about it. Im still struggling with it now. Its my choice who i tell so i feel i am being forced to tell him what happened to me? My sister is married and seperated from her husband she has a baby now but her husband doesnt bave rights to that child just because they are married?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 19:07

Your sister will have registered the birth and put someone else/nobody on the birth certificate. The issue with your situation is that when a baby is given up for adoption if the father is known, he must be consulted. Of course you have said that the father isn't known but they are probably being very cautious in case you aren't telling the truth. If your husband were the father and found out later in the process he could challenge the adoption which they obviously want to avoid.
Social services will be avoiding the risk of the responsibility here and will want to put it all in front of a judge to decide.

Original poster

RedOliver77x · 03/06/2019 19:11

I have registered the birth without his name on. I just dont unserstand why i have to prove he isnt the father just because i am married to him if we are n longer living together.

OP posts:

Mysleepthiefslept · 03/06/2019 19:16

That's awful, can you speak to a solicitor?

darkriver19886 · 03/06/2019 19:20

Hi @redoliver77x

The social services are doing the right thing by taking this to court. There are several points that stick out. I am guessing there is DV involved based on your comments? And he has no idea of your child or the rape?

This will be ringing massive alarms bells in social services minds. What would you do if they informed your husband and he didn't consent to the adoption? Then they would possibly have to take this to court anyway as they may need DNA tests etc.

My ex-husband had to give consent even though he hadn't been involved in any of the court process. Unfortunatly in the eyes of the law unless the court is removing PR then the father's opinion matters even in cases of DV and abuse.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 19:22

Legally your dh is the df whether biological or not.
Bloody sucks op.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 19:23

I know. It's shit. But they have to cover themselves. If he found out later on and claimed to be the father it could be disastrous if he turned out to be (and they can't be completely sure he isn't)

Original poster

RedOliver77x · 03/06/2019 19:51

I have an appointment tomorrow but they have left me one day. I have been misinformed throughout this whole process. Everyone told me i wouldnt have to tell my husband. If i had an abortion he would never of known and noone would of known what happened to me. Now everyone is going to find out.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 20:45

To be fair to the social workers they will have been going on what the law says about relinquished babies and it happens so rarely that you don't know what can go wrong until you do it. The law says that the father has to be informed if there is an established relationship and if the mother has named him. You didn't name him and it wasn't a relationship, so their first advice was correct - but somebody (probably a lawyer) will have thought hang on a minute, what if it is the husband's and he finds out about it, he has the right to challenge the adoption, DNA testing etc, and if it turns out to be his then he can remove the baby from what might be her legal parents or sue the local authority. Even if they 100% believe you about being raped there is always a possibility that you could have conceived with your husband (as far as they are concerned)
Is your husband abusive? Why didn't you tell him about any of this?

Original poster

RedOliver77x · 03/06/2019 21:04

I didnt tell him because he isnt the father. I went into denial aboit what happened to me and i was scared. I was ashamed of it and i didnt want everyone knowing i had placed my xhild for adoption so i built a relationship with .y social worker and i got through eith her support. Me and my husband were separated so i didn see that i needed to tell him. He isnt violent but i know if he finds out now he is going to react very badly to the fact i havent told him. There will be no going back for me him and our children.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 21:13

You just need to explain this all in court and I hope the judge will see sense

ReganSomerset · 03/06/2019 21:25

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, OP. Absolutely nothing. If anything, you should be proud of yourself. You have acted wholly selflessly throughout your ordeal. Anyone with an ounce of sense will see that and anyone who tries to make out any of this reflects badly on you in any way is not worth your time.

Jessy111 · 04/06/2019 11:21

I don't know enough about the legal process to offer any advice unfortunately but I just wanted to say what an amazing, courageous and selfless person you are to have gone ahead with the pregnancy and given the baby a chance in life.

Many wouldn't have been so strong in the face of conception. I applaud you and I'm so sorry for everything you've had to go through. I hope you're ok, this is no doubt very distressing for you on top of everything you already have to deal with

Flip