Stopping all fun things until they stop ****ing squabbling

[ThomasRichard]

Two DC aged 9 and 6. They fight incessantly, purposely annoy each other, squabble, tell tales and are generally nasty, whinging little brats 85% of the time. I have had it up past my eyebrows with having every single morning, evening, weekend and holiday ruined by their crap behaviour. I work full-time and their father is barely on the scene but they have 1:1 time with me every day, books, toys, pets, a garden, hobbies, and I work ridiculously hard to think of and provide nice days out or to have their friends over to play. I’m exhausted and fed up.

I know this isn’t AIBU but AIBU to:

• turn the car around and go home again on every trip if they start squabbling?
• instigate a chore and behaviour-based pocket money scheme from which they need to save up to buy any non-essentials?
• start bedtime, no matter what time it is, if they start in the evenings?
• anything else I can think of?

They’re spoilt and I need to turn this around because it’s miserable.

Do it. Might steal your idea in fact

That sounds like a lots of changes for them to deal with at once. I would implement them one at a time and think carefully about them - what happens if they whinge before dinner?

Sound like my two, exactly the same.

If they fight over something, it instantly gets taken away.
Separate them on a regular basis.
Make good on your threats.

If they start behaving like spoilt brats, give their stuff to charity, to children who will appreciate their stuff. 'You obviously won't take care of your lego, so if it's still not tidied away by the end of the day, I'll assume you don't want it and it will be given to someone who truly values it' and do it.

I'm also looking for some games that make them help each other to achieve a goal together. Too many games pit them against each other, and cause squabbles. If anyone has any ideas, please share.

Sounds like me and my brother. Definitely nip this in the bud now, my folks didn't, they just let it continue until it turned extreme (bullying to abuse) and now as adults we have nothing to do with each other. You seem to really care so I hope you're able to sort them out, good luck xx

Games - eye found it disney version. You have seperate characters but the aim is to get the whole team to the castle. You have to find various pictures - my dd (4) and her older cousins (up to 12) all love to play

What about a traditional game eg monopoly or scrabble or whatever but them against you so they have to work as a team?

I would have a very serious meeting with them and lay out your expectations calmly.

Then when they don't I'd have another meeting and explain the need for harsh consequences.

Then I'd do your turn the car around idea.

But I'd do it on my terms when I knew I wasn't really planning on going anyway.

I did that. And said that I wasn't going to organise another day trip till they'd learned to be civil with each other.

That was our last day trip 😢. By the time they learned to get on they'd outgrown the museums and things we used to visit.

3 yrs between them. Doesn't 9 Yr old have friends to go out and about with?
They need space from each other otherwise its cabin fever.

It isn't always possible to turn around and go home on a car trip. I used to pull over and wait for the unpleasantness to stop, without saying anything, just humming to myself or reading a book. Sometimes, if it was safe, I would wait outside the car, ignoring them.

I read on here once about a poster's dad who had stopped and driven back home on the way to a camping trip. I admire him!
Can you organise for more time apart? Swapping about with playdates.
Try and make jokes when they start bickering to make them laugh a bit and lighten the mood. This is very hard but can work sometimes.
I'm with you though. Mine are terrible for bickering. It's like a bad habit they've got into.
I will try the turning back from trips. Cancelling things etc I think. But then you've got them at home!!

Watching. Mine are same.

I wouldn’t implement anything that you will want to reverse . Our dc never got on as children and it would have made no difference what we did as parents because the eldest one just didn’t want to get on with the smaller one . They started being more civil when the eldest was late teens and now he’s in his 20s actually get along very well . We just spent their childhood saying ‘if you can’t say something nice say nothing’ but going on days out for us was way better than being stuck at home with them . Sometimes you just need to accept that some siblings don’t get on and wouldn’t choose each other as friends .It is very trying , you have my sympathy .

Are they together too much? I think enforced togetherness is often the root of sibling problems. Remember they are utterly separate people with completely different interests, personalities, likes and dislikes and at totally different stages who just happen to share some genetic code. It's not just about 1:1 time with you but about time to be themselves outside the family, with friends and most importantly totally separately.

Push them together and they'll hate each other, encourage them to spend lots of time apart - more than they spend together and not including school - and they might seek each other out, and if they don't that's fine too. If one seeks the other out when the other wants privacy privacy wins.

I think you’re right to turn the car round if they bicker and absolutely have zero tolerance for direct nastiness/bullying.

I don’t agree with pocket money being linked to anything and I think your 6 year old is too young to maintain constant good behaviour. We do chores because they are part of life, not for money.

But I agree with other posters that they’re maybe together too much - can you organise a regular club or play date for each that isn’t at home. I appreciate it’s difficult to separate them if you’re on your own.

What do you do when they argue? Have you taught them how to deal with it, particularly your younger one? Google ‘sportscasting siblings’ it’s a technique that involves you in the issue without being punitive and helps them reach their own conclusions.

We had the Law of Universal Misery, if they did not or could not get along nicely without squabbling/bickering then I would enforce the Law, if no one can be happy we will ALLLLLL be miserable forever.

This would be maybe one last chance to Be Nice by choosing something to watch together, or if my patience was too frayed, then chores or the dreaded bedroom tidying.

I had a very low tolerance for tormenting, pettiness and bickering, or general shitey tone of voice so anything like that would be cut off. ..it's all too easy for it to end up as out and out meaness and bullying

Other than that I advise never taking sides, do not issue punishments unless you actually witness the crime and let them sort stuff out themselves...this will mean they have A grade negotiation skills so do be prepared to have this bite you on the ass when they are teens!

My three are all grown ups now and still talk and fraternise together!

Me and my brother fought a lot as children (although we get on reasonably well as adults).

I think you have to recognise that it is genuinely difficult for them not to squabble, even though it seems easy to us - I was basically a good, well-behaved child who never got in trouble at school and didn't want to annoy my parents, but somehow I couldn't stop fighting with my brother.

I'm not saying their behaviour shouldn't have consequences - in fact I do think it should - but you have to accept that you may end up turning the car around on the vast majority of trips if you do so as soon as they start squabbling.

The consequences I'd be thinking of would be more along the lines of separating them into different rooms and removing screen time. Or have you already tried those?

I agree with Floralnomad. Sometimes, siblings just don’t get on and there is a limited amount that anyone can do about it. Me and my brother were never close; we had very different interests, personalities and friends. Now, as adults, we are still have little in common and have very different lives and values. We are polite and civil to one another, but the reality is that if we were not related, we would not be friends. That’s nobody’s fault, we are just chalk and cheese.

My 3 do this all the time.
But I often think they don't realise they are doing it. It's almost like a sport to them, or a hobby. A bit of verbal banter.
I put a stop to anything that gets personal or nasty but generally try to tune it out. But it is ridiculously hard sometimes. It gets in your head.

I don't know what the answer is,I 'm sorry. I feel like if I punished them every single time I would just be shouting at them or taking things away or sending them to their rooms all day.
I do think mine like each other well enough though, I don't think there's anything worrying underlying it, just annoying.

They have their own rooms, do their own separate hobbies and go to different schools but they’re at the same breakfast/after-school club so I’ll look into putting them into different ones for September. I don’t mind if they don’t want to play together, I just don’t need them fighting each other every time I go into a different room.

Mine have got better in the last 6 months tho prob. At 7 and 11. So there is hope! 6 is very young isn't it.
It is very normal for siblings to argue, so do try and tune out a bit as well.

Do they fight at breakfast / after school club? If not, it's not worth going to the hassle of separating them there. It might just be something they do at home?