Help, I've spoiled my 3 year old and now I'm paying the price

[Cranb0rne]

Please no judgement, I just need advice. About 6 months ago, I bought my 3 year old a toy from the local toy shop. Just a small car. I did this a couple of times but now he expects to be bought a new toy every time we go anywhere. And I mean anywhere. If he doesn't get said toy, the melt down is horrific. He can go on for hours and I will have to lug him to the car screaming and twisting and kicking. He's massive for his age, always been around 98th percentile and I just can't do it, so I end up buying something and the whole crappy cycle is reinforced. It's worse if my 6 year old is out too as it ruins the whole day for him if his brother isn't placated. Help! What do I do short of never going any where with a shop again? I know I've been stupid and I've created a monster and that it's all my fault and not his.

You can do it!
I would do trips that don’t involve a shop as much as possible. Start talking about this with him too - if we have something every time we go out, then it’s not a nice treat. Set this example yourself as well - don’t get eg coffe every time you go anywhere.

Do some smaller trips that might involve a shop & prepare him in advance. “I’ve only enough money for X thing, so we won’t be buying any toys today.” Don’t make your first go at this when you’re doing the monthly grocery shop.

Psych yourself up in advance. You know what his tantrum looks like, steel yourself to get through it. Allow enough time. Chat to your older boy about something else while he lies on the floor & gets on with it.

You have to be absolutely concrete in your resolve, they can smell weakness.

I had similar. I read a great tip. Ive started carrying a notepad and write in it when he sees something he wants some thing, adding to his birthday or Christmas list. Also make sure you have a toy with him that he can hold. Make a big deal writing it in

Help! What do I do short of never going any where with a shop again?

Make it clear before you go anywhere you aren't buying anything. Pay entrance fee with cash leaving any credit cards hidden firmly away in the car. You're less likely to weaken if you'd have to take him back to the car and route around for your card before going back to pay. But really it all comes down to you. You either keep buying him things he doesn't need (and that will really get interesting when he's a teen and what he wants comes with a ££££ pricetag) or you grow a backbone and put an end to it now.

So what if he has a tantrum? Children do that. Acknowledge his feelings, let him rage until he's exhausted and be there to comfort and distract him as he comes out of it. And then move on with your day.

You have to allow him to have his tantrums. Watch them impassively.

When he learns the tantrums don’t work, they will stop

Stay strong op- stick to your guns and don’t give a crap about any side eyes from people when your child is throwing a tantrum- all normal mums get it!

Everyone makes parenting mistakes you then have to undo. Just stuck to your guns and it will pass.

Ds is 3 and was a horror taking into shops. I tell him exactly what we are buying before we go into the shop and tell him we are not buying toys.
Avoid all aisles that have things he will want.
Avoid shopping with him generally.
He does get pocket money now. I give him £5 a week (which is a lot) he can choose to buy a magazine or put it in his piggy bank for something else.
He did save for 3 weeks for some lego and again for a superhero costume.

I think this is just a 3yo thing and not because you bought a car on two occasions.

When DS1 was 3 he was constantly whining for magazines so I started a star chart system with him. I was too disorganised to write it down (but you should) but I would periodically either award him a star for good behaviour or invite him to earn a star by doing something I wanted him to do. When he had 5 stars, he was allowed a comic. If we went into a shop and he asked, I'd say "How many stars do you have?" and if he had less than 5, he understood that meant he had to wait. I tried to do it so that it took about 1-2 weeks to earn 5 stars but for me it worked well not to have concrete things the stars could be earned by, but to be more random.

It was a good system and transferred well into pocket money once he was a bit older.

And set his expectations before you go into the shop. Today we are not buying toys, or today you can choose one car, or even today, if you ride in the trolley nicely you can have a car but I need to hear inside voice all the way. Do you think you can do that? etc.

My three year old did this and I didn’t buy cars. It’s just what my 3 year old did, I don’t think you caused it.
Have a look at what they say about tantrum h in Hand in Hand Parenting ( on line) .

All I can say is it passes

Thanks for your replies. I think we will avoid shops for a few weeks then I will explain to him that he doesn't get toys every time and let him get on with his tantrum. Guess I'll make sure we're not in any hurry to get somewhere as his tantrums last a while. After 5 years of dealing with tantrums, I am well used to people staring and commenting

I regularly walk past parents who have a 2-3 yr old on the floor wailing as if the world is coming to the end.

There is no shame in it. I think a lot of them do it. Most passersby will give a smile to the parents as if to say 'you are doing a great job'.

Just stand ignoring it and paying attention to your other child. Most often the parents are chatting amongst themselves, with a bit of eye rolling at the monster on the floor.

It's funny watching as an observer - sometimes you can see the tantrummer desperately wind it up they fail to get a rise out of their parents it and then just give up and get on with the shopping.

It's not you, you haven't spoilt him, he's just doing the job of a 3 yr old.