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Parenting

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Struggles with husband after birth

4 replies

CrazyCatLady1993 · 31/05/2019 10:58

Does anyone else have struggles with their partners since having a baby???

My husband is very thoughtless and I've always known this but it's got so much worse recently. He doesn't do things on purpose he just doesn't think about things and then I end up feeling forgotten or like he doesn't care. Whenever I bring it up he does eventually apologise (after lots of denial etc) but I'm sick of feeling upset by his actions, telling him, him being 'unaware', having a bicker or argument and then me crying, silent treatment from both of us for a bit, him eventually apologising, me accepting it and then the same cycle a few days later. I'm so fed up of him constantly doing this it's tiring. This morning I needed help getting out the house with our twins and it was important I was as on time as possible. I asked for help, he seemed reluctant to help. He was working from home but what would have taken us 5 mins jointly would have taken me bloody ages so I didn't think it would be that much of an issue. I got upset because it took me absolutely ages, he knows I struggle getting out and that it makes me down. He apologised for not being able to come anywhere with me today. Ummmm, that's not what I'm upset about. I've asked for help and he's been reluctant to, I should have an apology for that! It's turned into an argument, he said he didn't hear me but he did because he half arsed it, so I know he did. I don't believe him. He tends to deny things and then apologise 20 mins later. We've had silent treatment again. I'm about to walk out the door then he apologises as I'm about to walk out for being thoughtless and insensitive. FFS!!! If he would have just apologised in the first place instead of denial again we wouldnt have had an argument. So again, both parties are upset because he can't seem to apologise. What a waste of time! This happens all the time. Normally I forgive him because I don't like arguing. But I was reluctant to today because this happens too often. Usually when we bicker or argue I'm very calm, my tone is quiet and calm, I never shout etc I like to discuss things instead of shouting. He gets angry quickly and shouts/raises his voice. But today, I lost my shit. He absolutely hated it that I shouted but I said to him it's been a long time coming because I always keep my cool, it's usually the other way around. I told him well now you know how it feels (childish I know) and he said oh what was the point me being here I may aswell go to work bla bla bla. I walked out because I can't be bothered today. This happens all the time (minis me walking out etc).

Am I being over sensitive?! I know I can be when tired. Is this a man thing? Are they all thoughtless???? Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person in the world filled with love to have him and most days recently I feel angry and bitter towards him and just damn well irritated, I tend to hold onto all of these little things he does. I know it isn't healthy!! It sounds like a small thing but this happens aaallll the time and I'm bored of it. It's like he's not capable of recognising "oh we had a discussion about this last time, I won't do it again. It doesn't cross his mind

OP posts:
MummyBear2352 · 31/05/2019 14:13

I think you two would be best to seek relationship counselling and soon... I can see a split on the cards if you two don’t manage to communicate better with each other.

I am not going to vindicate either of you or validate either of you, because I can see that you are both sort of blinded by the other one.

We can’t change people, if he was like this before you had kids he is not going to suddenly turn into a different person now that you have them. I can see you are stressed and tired with two twins. If you are asking him to change and be someone else for you, he is just going to feel guilty, worthless and not enough. This is when there is a loss of intimacy and can end up with the one feeling they are in the wrong all the time, looking for outside distraction.

Please get yourselves to counselling. Too many couples walk this path and only do the counselling after an affair or cheating or split has happened, which is often too late. Don’t be that couple.

All the best

CrazyCatLady1993 · 31/05/2019 14:25

You are so right. I don't want to be that couple because I know we can sort this. We've had a chat and there were a lot of tears. We both love each other too much to let things like this wreck us. We are going to sort it. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
DoingItForTheKids · 31/05/2019 14:34

Agree that counselling to help communicate and learn how to properly listen to each other could be useful. That might not be that easy with newborn twins though!

I'm not excusing him but my friends husband of twins had PND. It made him really withdrawn and he did anything to get out of doing anything with the twins as he felt so mentally unwell. Might be worth considering (although if he's always been inconsiderate it will just be magnified by having children).

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MustBeAWeasly · 01/06/2019 12:29

There were times I hated my husband after dd was born. I hated that list life hasn't changed as much as mine, I hated how much more sleep he had than me I hated so much about him. I loved him more than I ever had done but he still made me so angry.
You've had massive life change and it's changed more for you than him. Even though he helped around the house and is a very hands on Dad he never seemed to help me at the right times and then he'd get angry when I was angry.

It got better for us once we started communicating better and the baby got older a year on and we're pretty much back to ourselves. But you do need to talk things through properly or it could just end up getting worse.

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