Is unreliable comtact with absent father better than none at all?

[Sheila]

Bit of a long story but basically I split with XP when DS was 2. DS is now 7 and loves his dad to bits, unfortunately. XP has always been unreliable and contact with DS has been sporadic, but because DS loves him I've never prevented contact - mostly constantly moan at him for not seeing DS enough.

On Friday XP didn't turn up as he promised to collect DS from school. Although I suspected this would happen and told DS not to expect him, of course he hoped he'd show, and was terribly upset when I turned up instead. He refused to come home at first, saying that "daddy will come". Very angry with me for not being XP.

Frankly it was awful. Managed to get poor DS home but I'm not sure he'll ever get over this.

My question is, would it be better to deny XP access, with all the pain this would cause DS in the short term, or carry on knowing that DS is facing a lifetime of being let down by his beloved dad.

I really don't know what to do.

Any views, or suggestions as to where I might go for advice?

dont know sheila but ive got an exp just the same. after 8 years of ds being constantly let down i stopped access. at first i heard nothing from exp, then he called begging to see him. i agreed, and he's been pretending to be superdad ever since.

unfortunately, every time ds comes back home now he cries his heart out. why? because he doesn't trust his dad and thinks that every time he sees him may be the last.

exp has also let him down a couple of times in the week. the last time, ds didnt cry, just said "i knew he wouldnt turn up"

no easy answer im afraid...i still dont really know what to do.

Thanks for replying Nightowl - sorry your ds is suffering the same.

I did try once before to regularise contact - told XP he couldn't see DS until he agreed to a schedule of regular visits. XP just refused to cooperate and didn't come for ages. DS's distress was awful to see and I just couldn't handle it - thought that any contact was better than nothing, but now I just don't know.

I worry this will have a terrible effect on DS's self-esteem and his future relationships, and feel I have to try to be perfect to compensate for XP being so crap.

Have you ever tried getting a third party involved? Social services or something? I sometimes think XP might take more notice of somebody like that.

i think we're damned if we do and damned if we dont tbh. there's not a lot we can do.

apart from stop contact of course so exp can tell his family and friends that im the bitch from hell who wont let him see his son.

it made me laugh (rather bitterly) when i finally had enough and said to him if he wanted contact, get some sort of proper arrangement drawn up and stick to it as ds was devestated by his behaviour. his reply?

"he's MY son and I will SEE him WHENEVER i like, YOU cant stop me". bravo, applause, fantasic performance for whoever was in the background

oh btw, ive had many threads on this if you want to look them up feel free, no answers though im afraid.

Yes well, I rather wish he would just piss off for good - think that would be easier to deal with. It's the constant uncertainty that's a killer.

agree, they never get to learn where exactly they stand..not that they should have to...but you know what i mean.

It also brings up so much stuff for me. The reason I left XP was because of his terrible unreliability - he would just disappear for days even when we lived together. So I know what DS is going through and how hard it is.

Basically I hate having to deal with him at all.

It could all be so different though. I think my expectations are really pretty low - I just want him to see his own son on a regular (not even necessarily frequent) basis. Why is that so hard?!

I dont have an answer Im afraid. I told my dd that some people are reliable and others arn't and in life you learn who you can rely on and those you can't, so that hopefully she will realsie as she grows not to distrust everyone....

I did once turn the tables and not wait in, I just got my dd's and left the house. It caused major dramatics (from him) and I refused to back down, stood firm at all the abuse and said I had made other arrangments and he would have to wait till next time but it also meant that as he did not see his dd's he doesn't trust me to wait in for him to arrive when he feels like it. Upshot is he does turn up more or less on time and franticly phones if he is going to be late.

Thanks for taking the time to reply anyway - it's good to know my situation isn't unique, although I'm sorry you're suffering the same shit! I know so few single parents and the two I know seem to have fairly compliant XPs. I also find that people I discuss this with are sometimes very critical of me - I'm too soft/not nice enough to him for example.

My attempts to get tough with XP have usually backfired - basically because DS gets so upset when he doesn't see XP and I am very bad at sticking to my guns in the face of that. Would never be able to take DS out if he knew XP was coming, for example. Well done for doing better.

cant help you unfortunately but if you need a future ranting partner im your girl. problem shared and all that

let us know what you decide and if it works.

and agree, consistent/regular, not frequent is all i asked for too. you hit the nail on the head there.