What would you make of this

[mommydragon]

DD 5 had 3 besties at her nursery. She would talk about her friends at home and I knew them by face. About a month before her batch were due to leave for school reception, I received a note from one of the other mums giving me her number and asking if kids could get together for a play date. It was my first ever play date and honestly I was just dreading it. I am in my 40s and haven't made any friends in the last 15 years which tells me that I might be quite uninteresting.

I suggested we just take kids for ice cream at a desert place nearby after nursery. She agreed. But a day later she text and said another mum from the besties group was coming. And then a day later her husband and the other mum's dh would join aswell and it would become a full on dinner... and whether my Dh would like to join. My DH is an introvert and didn't join.

She created a whatsapp group for us 4 mums. There was an invite to go out literally every weekend which became painful to decline. ... including get together with the husbands on weekends at their place, which again I politely declined.

I did take dd to play dates for 2-3 hours during the day either to their home or a soft play. We had a play date at ours aswell.

These besties have younger siblings ( similar ages) at the same setting.

Recently when it was this mum's younger child 's Birthday, my older dd 2 besties were invited except dd5. Her older son told me during the party that the 3 besties family were gathering at his place after the party.... and I heard one of the mums say to one of the other dads that they will see each other in some time.

AIBU in thinking that this mum was more interested in finding friendships for herself rather than for the kids to keep in touch after nursery. The party was on a Sunday and I was asking everyone around for play date at ours on Saturday, but received no confirmations... I guess they didn't need to come to mine as they were meeting up on Sunday after the party. Since then there has been no messages on the group chat.

I also feel quite angry for dd5 being left out and did understand that they have to pay per child, but then why invite the other 2 older siblings. But reason for that is because the parents are friends now.

Sorry for the long post and there might be bits that may make no sense. But just trying to get some perspective here and if anyone knows what might've happened here. Also I am pretty sure that I didn't say anything upsetting to them in the few hours that I have spent with them.

It sounds to me like playground behaviour! Do you think they took offence to you and your partner not socialising as much as the others? X

Not sure, it could be...but I didn't think we had to. The name of the chat is play date and it was set up so that the kids could keep in touch after leaving nursery as they were such good friends in nursery.

It sounds like you've declined a lot of invites? If you keep declining, people eventually stop asking

It sounds like she wanted to create friendships; there’s nothing wrong with that and equally there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you just wanted the kids to keep in touch. It just sounds like two different motivations.

Sounds to me like she really really tried to include you in the friendship group. Looking for couples with same age kids to hang out with- nothing wrong with that ! However you sound very standoffish!

There was an invite to go out literally every weekend which became painful to decline. ... including get together with the husbands on weekends at their place, which again I politely declined.

So - now you find out that the other couples and their kids are being invited and your child is left out . Really??? Is it not obvious she was trying to make family friends - people they can hangout with whilst the children get on and play.. No - I doubt she wants responsibility for your child. The other parents are making an effort to be friends with this couple whereas you have clearly said you don't enjoy socialising with her.

Can't have it both ways ! Children friendships at this age need you to be part of it. Mostly.. when you get to teen years - then you don't tend to mingle with parents so much !

You kept declining the invites so they've stopped including you, hardly surprising

What smaller said. Seems like it should be a relief. Thing is, playdates should be fun and not forced. I am mum to 24, 21 and a 20 year old and went through it all but it never once felt painful to decline or accept. I did what I felt was right for me at the time. I'm now a mum to a 4 and 2 year old. Here we go again. It comes with the territory I'm afraid.

“AIBU to think the mum was more interested in finding friendships for herself than for the kids” - honestly, there is nothing wrong with this IMO. When you have kids, the parents of your DC’s friends often become some of your closest friends, and why not? You and your DH weren’t interested in the adult friendship, and that’s fine, but they did their best to include you and it was your decision to keep them at arm’s length.

Your dd is going to school, she will be able to make new friends there. It's perfectly normal for the parents to keep in touch, I do think it's you who is the one whose expectations are out of line

If you keep someone at arms length don't be surprised if that's where they end up staying.

You can't expect continuous invites to everything if you keep declining them.

So you didn’t want to be friends, declined loads of invitations-you didn’t even want to go to the first play date she arranged. Do you think the other mother might feel that you don’t like her and don’t want to be involved in any plans?

You got just what you wanted though so I do t really understand what your problem is.

You didn’t want to be doing all of this socialising out of nursery, and you aren’t doing it.

The other adults have made friends with each other, which you didn’t want to do, and now they are spending time together. Which you didn’t want to do.

Yes, their children are doing things together now, out of school and your dd is not involved but that’s what you wanted to happen. You can’t stop the others from being friends because you don’t want friends.

Just to say- you said in your OP that you haven’t made any friends in the past 15 years because you’re “uninteresting”. These people seem to have really tried to make friends with you but you pushed them away. It might be time to think about what you really want? Fine to want to be solitary, but you may end up very lonely and you may be isolating your child too if you back away from people so much. Just a thought.

“AIBU to think the mum was more interested in finding friendships for herself than for the kids”

Maybe, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It sounds like she made an effort to keep inviting you all, and you kept declining (as is your right). So she stopped inviting, naturally!

Some of my best friends started off when dcs were in nursery/reception. Dcs see each other occasionally, the parents have remained steadfast. And we’ve helped each other through bereavements, cancer etc. I don’t think people think you’re uninteresting I think you may be intentionally or not give off a vibe.

What's wrong with trying to make friends with other families? It sounds like they have made the effort to see each other whilst you have declined lots of invitations. They've taken the hint and stopped inviting you, but it comes across like that would suit you more anyway?

It sounds like you declined too many invites and they got the clear message that you're not that interested in meeting up and so have stopped trying.
You can't really be surprised surely?

I agree with what many are saying here, but its not like we declined play date invites... and seen others decline several invites aswell as I am on the chat. And yes it has worked out well both sides I guess. But I did think my Dd is missing out. Going to these play dates really took me out of my comfort zone and I made an effort as DH wanted no part in it. It takes some of us longer to feel comfortable with people, and yes it not up to the others to make us feel at ease. But not inviting Dd just tells me the kids friendship has ended.

“Going to these play dates really took me out of my comfort zone”
Why?

OP, I’m autistic and introverted, and also had no wish to forcibly socialise with my DDs’ friends’ mothers, so I understand where you’re coming from.
But non autistics see it differently. These other mums wouldn’t see it logically as “OP wants play dates for her DD, but struggles with social interaction and prefers not to be involved herself”.
They’d see it as “OP is a stuck up cow who doesn’t think us fit to be her friends”. And they will drop you and DD both.
It will solve itself when DD is old enough to have friends without parental involvement. I coped with the preschool years by having two DDs who entertained each other, and also lived in a small village where the kids could pop in and out of neighbouring friends’ houses without the parents having to be best mates. Parents dropped kids at parties etc then just collected them later.
I’m sure you’ll find a way to work round this, as I did. But you might also want to have some counselling about how to establish friendships or interact socially, as it would make life easier for you.

Sorry you feel upset but I think YABU tbh.

The older DC were invited with their parents to the after-party (if I have understood correctly). So they were under their parents' supervision. The older DC weren't just being invited for their presence alone ifyswim, it was a collective family invitation.

You have made it clear that you don't want to be involved in the "parent and child" get togethers despite being invited frequently, which is fair enough. It's perfectly reasonable for you only to be involved in the "child-child" play dates. What is not fair though is for you to expect this friend to include your older child in their younger daughter's birthday celebration when you are not going to be there as well.

Do you reciprocate? Host play dates, arrange days out etc. Or do all the suggestions come from the other mums?

If you are turning down invites or not putting in effort to host them as well then they will stop trying with you.

I think it's a bit strong to assume they see op as a"stuck up cow". They wouldn't have invited her in the first place if they thought that!

It's simply that she has made it clear she is more interested in the child-child interactions and not the whole family get togethers - which is fine - but having made that clear, it's a bit rich to be upset if her child is not included in the latter if she's not prepared to be there herself to supervise!

It wasn't a play date for the older children. It was a party for the younger child with older siblings invited if their parents came too! Surely everyone can understand that the host mother has enough to do running the party, never mind looking after "extra" older DC who arrived without parents!

OP, I think the misunderstanding was that you expected the girls to stay friends after they left nursery and went to different schools. IME that rarely happens unless the parents are friends.

I don’t see why the kids friendship has ended; it wasn’t one of your DDs friends birthdays was it? It sounded like it was the younger sibling and the parents had just invited a couple of friends to keep the older child company and chose the kids of the parents they are closest to. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that really.