I struggle with my stepson, please help me

[LauraLowe95]

I've been living with my partner for almost 18 months now, and his 15yo son lives with us, and only sees his mum occasionally. At the beginning he seemed a nice kid (well, he is a nice kid), we had a laugh and I purposefully included him when I went out with my partner so I could get to know him.

Once I moved in, it was clear that he hadn't been coping as a single parent, as the house is a mess, they were getting takeaways every night, nobody ever had any clean and ironed clothes.. I've never lived like that before, so I sort of automatically started doing everything - building a rod for my own back I know - but after a couple of months I realised it was just too much and asked for help.

It was agreed that his son would wash up after we'd eaten, tidy up after himself, and put his dirty clothes in the washing basket. Not much to ask, right? It just doesn't happen. Dirty dishes will be left on the side, he'll take plates with snacks up to his room and never bring them down, he never puts his uniform in the wash so I never realise he's run out of clean trousers/shirts until he announces they're ALL dirty and need to be washed - then it's me who has to panic to get it done despite the fact I also have a job. If he has anything to eat downstairs the wrapper stays where it is even though he has to walk past the bin to go back upstairs. It's just driving me mad. Not only this, but me and my partner go out a couple of times a week, and while we're gone he's like a machine, eating through all the food in the house. I don't mind him having a snack, like a bag of crisps or some toast or something, but he'll have 6-8 slices of bread, 4 bags of crisps, multiple chocolate bars.. often meaning I've run out of things I need to put in his and my partner's packed lunches for the day after. We've told him about this and he just shrugs and says he's hungry. I don't believe anyone can possibly BE that hungry. It's costing me an absolute fortune. At this moment in time he's having a go at me, while eating the last of the bread, because he just needed to have 4 slices for breakfast instead of 2 like anyone else.

We decided he needed to take more responsibility for himself so we said he could start getting himself home from school - not a long walk. We recently found out that my partner's ex, who lived with them for a short time, has been picking him up as his son has told her that we refuse now. So we've had snotty texts from her saying we're being unfair. Like it's any of her business. It's not a long journey at all, and we're doing it for his own good as he's going to college in September and can't rely on us for everything then as he will be getting the college bus. Although college is another issue, as he is currently absolutely refusing to do any revision. Other than when he comes downstairs to eat or to watch TV, he's on his playstation, and if we take that off him he just sort of stares at his school work - no revision actually gets done.

We're getting the kitchen done at the minute, so have been getting a lot of takeaways, so whenever he asks what's for tea, and I tell him, he starts huffing and puffing and saying I'm rubbish for not cooking. Cooking with what?? We have no oven/hob at the minute, no worktops on which to prepare anything, and nowhere to store dried food! When I'm watching something on TV and he wants to sit downstairs I end up having to turn it off as he makes so many comments and just laughs at what he calls rubbish stories. So I just can't follow/hear what's going on. He spends half the time reminding me how rubbish I am, or how sad I am, and it's not like he's doing it with malice, but it hurts sometimes. I don't have kids of my own, and I've tried my absolute best to do everything right, but I don't get any help from him, he won't do anything himself, so the only way to get everything done is by turning into the world's biggest nag - which is a nightmare step mum situation.

I've started dreading hearing his bedroom door open as it means he's coming downstairs and will drop something else on me that I need to do. He's just come downstairs now and is asking me for a lift somewhere as it's half term - my partner has taken my car to work and I've only an auto license so I can't drive his, and he's stood in front of me now calling me rubbish and saying I should just take his car. I can't! If he'd bothered to communicate with me last night and said he wanted to go out today, I'd have told my partner to take his own car. I said he would have to get the train and gave him some money, and he's had such a go at me that he's missed the train, and that's my fault too.

I'm at the end of my tether. I feel like I'm doing more than I really should have to, I'm busy enough as it is, but I don't know what to do or how to change it. He does less for himself than I did when I was 5, but years of that kind of babying are very hard to undo. The smallest things astound me, like how you can just drop a crisp packet in the hallway, and never think to pick it up despite walking past it countless times. Why should someone else pick things up like that when you've dropped them?

I also have depression/anxiety meaning I struggle with change and responsibility/stress which doesn't help at all. My partner works long hours so can't do a great deal about it when he's at work. I feel like I've trapped myself in a situation that I've grown to hate, and I just count down the days until he goes to his mum's for the occasional weekend/holiday. I think back to when my brother and I were teens, and we'd be doing things around the house for my mum, including cooking and cleaning, we took ourselves to school and did our homework/revision with no hassle.. I guess I was silly to assume that it would be like that, but it's just not like that at all, and although he's not a bad kid at all - please don't think I'm saying that - he's just got no sense of responsibility, he's lazy, he's thoughtless, and I just don't know what to do. I actually want to move out, but I love my partner so much, that's surely not an option.

I guess all parents go through this, but have a bond with their child to make it easier. I just can't deal with this, it's too hard.

As you are the one living with him, you are his mum. If you can’t be that for him I don’t see how this relationship with his dad can continue.

(By the way I am also getting work done at home, and I’ve been using the microwave to make basic but nutritious meals for dn — you can make egg dishes, soups, boil lentils, make pasta sauces and even boil pasta or veg in the microwave. So the takeaways aren’t essential).

I think it would be very difficult for your ss to change his ways, having lived that way for so long. Praise x10000 any positives and remind/ask all the time. Essentially what you would do to teach a 6 year old! Is your dh pulling his weight and making an effort, too?

Why would your dh take your car to work knowing you can’t drive his?

You don’t have step son problem, you have a DP problem.

Why is all of this responsibility falling on you? You’re not this teens parent, he is not your responsibility. His Dad needs to step up and start helping around the house and supporting his son to do the same.

You also need to stop doing so much for your stepson. He has no reason to bother doing anything around the house because he knows you’ll do it, for example why would he bother putting his clothes in the wash basket when if he doesn’t you’ll run around the night before finding and washing his dirty uniform? He’d soon learn to do it if you stopped picking up after him and refused to wash things that weren’t in the wash basket or to wash things at the last minute.

You’re not his mother. Stop bending over backwards to do everything for him and start employing some consequences for his behaviour. For example, why on earth are you making him a packed lunch every day? He should be more than capable of doing that himself. And if you buy enough crisps/ chocolate for a week’s packed lunches and he eats them all in one evening then his packed lunch the next day is just a sandwich and fruit. Don’t buy more as you’re just enabling his inconsiderate behaviour.

He took my car because he was running late, it was blocking the drive, and I wasn't expecting to have to go out today. He's only in work for a short time today as he's taken a half day, and his son hadn't mentioned that he would need a lift anywhere today. For some reason, despite the fact we live on a main road, lifts are always the first port of call, even though we have a bus stop a 2 minute walk away.

Regarding cooking healthy meals, I'm happy that you can cook all of those things, but we've packed away most of the plates, we have no sink to wash downstairs, you might be right, but I just don't have the energy for the effort it actually takes to make something as simple as soup. And to the same poster, I wouldn't expect to be "the mum" for a 15yo. Fair enough if it's a much younger child, but I would have expected a child of that age to be much more independent than he is. If you read my post you'll see just how much I do for him, would you say that I SHOULD be doing so much, then? I don't think I'm acting like a mother, I'm acting like a slave.

To the poster who said about my partner not pulling his weight - that's because he's at work when most of this goes on. He leaves first thing and then gets home in time for dinner, but a lot of the discussions and issues occur while he's not in the house. He does ask him to tidy his room, bring plates down etc, but it falls on deaf ears, and we just don't know what to do when he refuses. Turning the internet off has little effect, he just sits there and doesn't even seem to be bored. Stopping his pocket money doesn't work. There's nothing that works.

I believe I should also add that things aren't always bad. He does confide in me about things that he doesn't tell his dad, when we're watching something on TV we both like it's good.. it's just that on the whole he relies on other people to do everything for him, and his answer if we don't do something is to phone my partner's ex, or my partner's partners, which just makes us look bad - but all we're trying to do is make him that bit more independent.

Should also add, as I don't have kids, I didn't realise how unusual this was until I was so far into it that I didn't know how to get out.

Why would it matter if you didn't have anything for your boyfriends pack lunch and his son's lunch? You simply say 'you've eaten it all and give a small amount'. This is with a neutral face and expression. Just don't wash unless it is in the basket, ignore it all. It isn't your problem to run around after him, like any teenager.

This is all not your responsibility, your boyfriend needs to step up and be a parent to him. Poor boy, I feel for the son and you.