To ask how you and your DP share the night feeds? Newborn 8 weeks

[BlackRaven92]

I’m curious to know what your patterns are with your DP on sharing night feeds etc? Do you share them or do them yourself?

I’m on mat leave so expected to take the majority of childcare but I feel like ours is 90% me even on weekends.

I feel like I’m snapping with my DP over this issue all the time and just need peoples opinions. Am I being a bitch or is he a lazy, unorganised sod? I get the odd sat or Sunday since I’ve had my LG where he will do the nights if she wakes. She’s 8 weeks old. I had a very traumatic labour & still not 100%. (Something he forgets which pisses me off too despite dr appointments etc) Been with my DH for 8 years and not married. LG was originally planned however was put on hold so was a lovely surprise when you’re ‘not actively trying’ as we’d been trying for over a year. I’m 27 & he’s 30.

My DP had 3 weeks off 2 weeks pat leave and annual leave. This was great as I was recovering, he did more than his fair share. I remember in hospital his broken sleep ruining him as I was bed ridden for nearly 3 days I couldn’t get to my daughter unless she was passed to me. (This was awful for me I could hear her stirring or crying and I had to shout for my DP/press the buzzer for a midwife) I remember telling him to go home and sleep, and I’d ask my DM to come and help. Which she did. He was sleep deprived It was all over his face. I mean I’ve been with him 8 years he didn’t need to tell me.

Now fast forward to present, my DH is back at work. I do every night feed she usually wakes around 2pm and 5pm. I’m up all the time, she’s like clockwork and wants feeding every 3 hours which is fine. I’d just appreciate if he helped me out! I’ve told him so many times I’m so tired and I get “me two I’ve been working or I’ve been doing things around the house” as if looking after our daughter 24/7 isn’t hard work. I feel like it’s a competition. He’s been on a stag do all weekend which give him his due he was going to cancel but I said no. This isn’t the problem tbh, it’s his time management and lack of organising which is driving me crazy. Friday he was going, he had not packed I had to drive him to the airport so he didn’t look after our daughter for even an hour before I dropped him off so I could have a shower in peace. There simply wasn’t enough time. He’s doing a uni degree which again I’m really supportive off and he leaves it till last minute so when he finishes work I think great I can get something done and no it’s “I have an assignment due by midnight tonight” when I’ve called him on this it’s “sorry you’re right, I’ll plan my time better, but I need you to be supportive for just this week” this is exactly what happened and his excuse for not packing he stayed up till 3am finishing it downstairs (in peace of course) I’m barely eating as my LG is so full on and the house is a mess, it’s driving me mad.

He went out the Saturday (week before) and expected a free pass to sit around all day Sunday cos he was hungover?! Yes if we didn’t have a baby to look after, I called him on this again and it’s “well I told you I was going out so I thought it was a given I’d be hungover” I was not impressed. I explained again our lives have changed now and when I’m out I’ll be making sure I won’t get drunk or simply think I can laze around the house. I’ve been out twice and funnily enough managed to drink responsibly and look after our daughter the next day.

So that happened on Friday re the stag do and not packing etc and now he’s not landing until 11pm tonight, an hour home will be around 12.30am when he’s back. As I’m so sleep deprived I’m pretty sure he didn’t tell me it was so late, but I’m not sure. This means he’s coming home from a drunken stag do, lots of uninterrupted sleep and he’s at work tomorrow. When I’ve questioned why he’s not used a bloody holiday - he doesn’t want to waste a day. AIBU to think it’s not a waste, you haven’t seen your LG for 4 days and won’t until you’re home from work tomorrow night?! Or at the very least give me a bloody break or a night off?

I feel like this sounds terrible that I want to palm my LG off, it really isn’t the situation so if it comes across like this it’s not meant to. I just want to feel like this is more shared, I completely understand I’d have the majority but surely when he’s home from work it should be more fairly split? And planning his time better?!

I do have my mum and his mum who help and are fab, but they work too so don’t want be asking for help when her dad should be doing more IMO

I did all the night feeds.

It's so hard having a newborn, and it's so easy to get irritated with the people around you, because you're so tired. It will get better!

You are not being a bitch. It sounds like he thinks he’s done his bit while you were in hospital, and now he’s back at work he only needs to do any parenting if he’s not got anything else planned of an afternoon. He is being selfish.

oh, and I did 100% of the night feeds because of breastfeeding, but still got a lot more hands-on support than you’re getting even so.

I also do 100% of night feed but that was agreed between us! If you agreed to have a fair share in night feeds you need to tell him xx

Same happened here. I had a c-section and DP was amazing for the two weeks he was on paternity, he really bent over backwards to help. As soon as he returned to work that stopped and I had to do everything, every night feed and every nappy change. Luckily for me DS started sleeping through from around 10 weeks, I don’t know how I’d have coped if he’d been a poor sleeper. I did snap at DP a fair few times during that period though, I found him selfish and lazy. If you’re EBFing though, there’s not much they can do unless you pump but I never could be bothered.

I do all the night feeds however on the days DH has a late shift or weekends he gets up at 7am and has the kids (ds 4 and DD 16 weeks) so I can sleep a couple of hours.

When he's gets home from work he has the baby for half an hour so I can have a bath or have time in silence.

As I was at home and breastfed I did 99% of feeds until weaning (18 months). I stayed home he went to work - yes parenting isn't easy but I had the freedom to set my days how I liked, going to baby groups, seeing friends whilst he worked 10-12 hours a day. If they were fractious in the evening (common) he would walk them up and down, and he read to them nightly once they were toddlers but feeds were my "job"

My DH was more of a stay up late person and I am more of a get up early person, so he would do all the feeds until midnight and I would do all the ones after midnight. I would go to bed right at 8pm after having dinner with DH and he would sleep in until 8am. But then he would travel for work for the week and it would all be on me.

Dont forget that sleep deprivation and hormones are going to be messing with your judgement, so its difficult to have a calm and sensible conversation. Try writing down what you want to change, and a new plan. It is easier to work it out if its on paper. Also you can put the baby down to have a shower, its ok if she cries for 5 mins. You are important too.

Thanks everyone, it’s just nice to get it out there as I’m abit embarrassed to discuss this with my close friends as their partners / husbands seem to be doing a lot more than mine.

I’m gutted about bf I only managed 5 days but was too exhausted to continue. I lost a lot of blood, developed sepsis & had forceps and a few other issues. So it was a lot and I decided I wanted to get better rather than crying from pain and exhaustion because she wanted feeding again. I admire all you who do bf though. This was something else my DP didn’t agree with either despite watching the horrific labour (which I can’t remember much) he still insisted i should be bf and was gutted I don’t continue. That hurt a lot as I was dealing with the guilt that I couldn’t continue. Now I just tell him it’s important she has recovering and happy mum which shuts him up. So she is bottle fed which would make it easier for him to help too.

To those who have had a similar situation, is there any advice or words of wisdom I can pass onto my DP to make him understand? I’m enjoying motherhood but it’s a lot more exhausting than I ever imagined. I’m hoping she starts sleeping better in a few weeks. For those babies who do sleep through, do you have a routine?

That’s a good option orangehandtowel, he did that for abit doing the 5am feed as he started work at 7am although that’s dropped now as he’s tired from doing assignments! I’m just so mad at him, I can’t even be arsed to text him back (probably petty I know) as I’m just fed up and bloody shattered!

I follow a routine and it saved my life, it actually gave me a clue what to do and what to expect. I use the Gina Ford books (which get a lot of bad press, but I think they're great! As does everyone I know who's used them!).

I did them all, because both my kids were EBF. However, DH is much more of a natural night owl, so when the babies were small I would go to bed at maybe 8pm and he'd sit up with them until midnight or 1, then bring them up to me for a feed and bed. When he was on shared parental leave with DC2 he would also put DC2 in the sling and go for a 2hr walk in the morning so I could stay in bed and catch up on sleep a little, or if DC required a midnight or small-hours walk to settle them he did that too. Basically, we divided the work up according to our needs and preferences. Not everything was 50/50 because he didn't have breasts, but there are other ways.

Your partner sounds like he doesn't get it and is being a dick.

Stop doing stuff for him. He certainly wouldn't have got a lift to the airport!

No washing, don't cook for him. Who does the shopping?

When he starts moaning just say you were too tired, didn't have time etc. Force him into doing something. And don't worry about the state of the house.

Also, do try the old 'sleep when baby sleeps'. Have you got a bouncy chair for her? I used to put mine in that and take them into the bathroom with me when I showered. They could see me, and I could talk to them.

Tbh from what you've said it's not just the lack of help in the night is it. It's the fact that he's not really helping in the day when he's here. Yes he's working a long day, but he's coming home to lots of downtime and a good night's sleep. From what you've said you have a baby who is full on so not resting in the day and you're not getting long stretches of night time sleep. You need your down time too. Being able to plan your own day because you aren't working doesn't mean much if you have a baby who always needs your attention and you're run ragged.

You need a proper conversation about expectations. Decide what it is you need. When DD1 was that sort of age I remember keeping a track of our own down time over a period of a couple of weeks and he soon changed his tune. The other option of course is to start making plans to go places so that you have equal downtime. It doesn't really help you with the sleep issue. In your shoes I'd probably go for a night out but to my parents to sleep and then go home after! Maybe as a short term thing because long term this will become a much bigger issue if it's not dealt with now.

You should be sharing parenting, including nighttime parenting, so that you can both cope and no one is completely broken, regardless of who is working. He may be back to work but the reality is that it's normal for children to still wake 1-3 times a night until nearly school age, so unless you plan to be a SAHP, eventually you will both be working and still needing to share out the night wakings and still cope with getting through your work day. It doesn't magically go back to normal because your mat leave finishes, so it's important to set the precedent now.

My first was mostly bottle fed from 10 weeks, but dh did all the nighttime nappy changes and he made the bottles. I did the feed. So we were both awake for every feed, but only so much, which meant we both got back to sleep relatively easily. My 2nd was bf and I did all the night feeds (because I was the only one who could). But he did any night wakings with our older one, plus he got up in the mornings so I could catch up on sleep before he left for work. He also did most of the school runs in the first 6 weeks or so as well. For the first month with each of them, he stayed awake wearing them in a sling until about midnight/1am (so they would sleep two decent stretches in the first half of the night), and I could get two solid 2-3 hour blocks of sleep with a feed in the middle. That made the 2nd half of the night a lot more manageable for me.

Pretty much he needs to get stuck in and share the load as much as possible 50-50 when he's at home. My dh works about 60 hours a week running his business. He still helped (as above) with night wakings and lately our toddler has been waking for the day at 4:45am! He's been the one who gets up with him in the morning allowing me to sleep, particularly on my work days (I work 13 hour days with a long commute). If one of us wants to have a night out or stay up late or have a few drinks, we don't get out of parenting. We're both up with the larks the next day as always to do our share. There's no lying around on the sofa unless one of us is ill, which only happens maybe a couple times a year.

He 100% needs to be doing more. My DH has been doing his Phd since before i was pregnant which means I've had to do more than my fair share of childcare over the years ( DS is now 4) but he always makes sure i get a break and some down time.

When DS was a newborn DH would get home from work on a Friday and take him off me and give me the full night off and a lie in on the Saturday. I really needed that and it helped keep me sane.

With our first, DH did all of the night feeds. He's a night person and I'm a morning person. He had just been made redundant though so didn't have to get up early for work.

With our second, i done them all because i was breastfeeding. He would stay awake with me if i asked, or would fetch a nappy etc.

With our third, breastfeeding again.. i didn't bother waking him at all unless I needed to go for a wee so he could watch him.

We coslept with the last two so it wasn't much effort for me to whack a boob out. I usually went back to sleep while they fed anyway. Which obviously helps massively.