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Sutablie punishment for stealing?

12 replies

NotSoThinLizzy · 25/05/2019 18:22

So went to visit granny and DD 9 years was acting suspicious sneaking upstairs. Sneaking something into her coat pocket. Came back down i checked her pockets to find nothing. Checked her shoe and shes stolen a pound which isn't really the point. Shes now grounded and had a talking to but I feel like it's not enough? Maybe I'm being over the top but it's one of my hates.

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anothernotherone · 25/05/2019 18:27

Why did she steal money? I'm not sure that's normal behaviour for a 9 year old.

Random unrelated punishments don't work, they just teach children not to get caught and make them defensive and sneaky. Consequences have to be blindingly obviously the logical outcome of the unwanted behaviour.

She spends next week's picket money on a present for grandma to say sorry, would be a logical consequence.

dreichuplands · 25/05/2019 18:28

I second making her give up her pocket money.
Try and find out why she wanted the money.

NotSoThinLizzy · 25/05/2019 18:50

She wanted to go to the corner shop to buy sweeties

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anothernotherone · 25/05/2019 18:53

Was that really all? Does she get pocket money actually?

She needs to spend her pocket money on the person she stole/ tried to steal from, but you also need to think a bit about why she stole/ tried to. 9 year old children don't usually steal unless there's something more at play.

Did she ask for money first or go straight to stealing as first option? If so she's probably done it before and there's something going on...

dreichuplands · 25/05/2019 19:28

I remember being desperate to have sweets as a dc and picking up change lying around the house so I could.
But I was almost never bought sweets and I had no pocket money either.
My dc get sweets from time to time and also have regular pocket money so they have never taken money.
If she has pocket money then talk to her about needing to make mindful choices so she can get what she wants.
If she doesn't have pocket money then start giving her a set amount so she can manage getting some of her wants met ( after she has bought gran a present with the first week)

NotSoThinLizzy · 25/05/2019 19:44

She gets pocket money also gets sweeties regularly and treats. She always spends her pocket money on sweets

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anothernotherone · 25/05/2019 19:53

Does she feel bad about stealing? Or just about not succeeding/ getting caught? Does she have self esteem issues or problems with friends (could she be trying to buy friends with sweets or being low level bullied and told to being sweets in "or else")?

BertieBotts · 25/05/2019 20:02

Get her to apologise to grandma (if grandma can be trusted to be stern/disappointed). I wouldn't go out of your way to punish harshly though - that's about it.

I agree with finding out why. It could have just been one of those random impulsive things. But if she's feeling like she has no other way to get money and needs money for some reason that should be addressed.

I wrote this earlier and have now refreshed - so I agree with PPs. Complete the grounding/apology/some sort of paying back (if appropriate) and then once that's all done discuss pocket money/sweets with her - if she doesn't get pocket money, it might be an idea to set some up. If she isn't allowed sweets opening a discussion about what is reasonable in terms of sugar consumption. If she already has pocket money but finds it too inaccessible, maybe discuss that. If she has it but spends it too readily and never has any available for what she wants, talk about saving techniques and tips so that she can start to develop this skill. If you don't want her having money for nothing, then the discussion could be about what "job" she could do for you or somebody else in exchange for a little bit of pocket money. Or perhaps that could be an extra step - that because she went about requesting money in a dishonest way she needs to learn about how to earn it honestly, and after a time of doing that, then she'll be eligible for normal pocket money, whatever you think is fair (I personally would think that's a bit overkill for a first offence).

Once you've had that discussion, you can then remind her that it would have been much better, quicker, and more pleasant for her to have brought it up with you in the first place, rather than trying to take the matter into her own hands and stealing, and it then gives her a template for how to discuss future issues she believes are unfair.

If this feels like a reward, it's not - it's simply showing her how she could have and indeed should have dealt with the situation in the first place. By showing her that she can in fact get the outcome she wanted in a much more straightforward and immediate way, she's much more likely to attempt discussion first for any future issues she finds unfair, rather than try and "fix" it in a way she knows is wrong. At nine, while punishing the misbehaviour is important, modelling the way she should have behaved is arguably the most important part of changing her behaviour, and needed to put the punishment into context (rather than being received as "it's so unfair, nobody listens to me").

surreygirl1987 · 25/05/2019 20:08

I stole from my grandmother when I was around that age! Just impulsively on one occasion. My parents found out and were so furious and disappointed in me I never did it again. There's not always a 'reason'.

NotSoThinLizzy · 25/05/2019 21:03

Shes not taking sweeties to school so don't think its bullying. I'm thinking it was impulsive type of punishment as granny told her off for something unrelated. Shes underweight for her age so I'm more lenient on sweets which properly won't be helping.

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BertieBotts · 25/05/2019 21:05

If impulsive then just punish, get to apologise and leave it.

NotSoThinLizzy · 25/05/2019 21:18

There was a death in the family. Someone she had never met before maybe that's playing on her mind?

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