Help me be a better mum to 1 year old

[Douberry]

I am so distraught as I'm beginning to realise that I may have not been as responsive as I thought to my one year old.

Recently returned to work part time and mixture of DH and my DM looking after him. Have left him once at DM's and he seemed completely not fussed when I returned to pick him up from my DM's and he doesn't cry when I leave. But then extra clingy and confused/upset in the evenings and the next day. The last few months I thought he was more "secure" in knowing I am always there for him e.g. Doesn't cry so much if I do so much as go to the loo for 2 mins whilst he's in his cot. But now with this non plussed behaviour when I've left/returned from work, I feel so guilty that I've inadvertently neglected him. Some days I admit I feel like I just survive the day of care giving but I have also tried so hard to smile and laugh with him, play games, communicate, take him out and about and teach him things. The last couple of months though has felt stressful - preparing to go back to work as well as trying to sell our house (meaning spending mornings distracted with cleaning up for viewings). I admit he seems to be less smiley lately but I thought that was more because he's had cold and coughs one after another.

Reading about attachment styles I feel so guilty that I've neglected his needs and he has an "avoidant" attachment (meaning he's learnt not to rely on me). Also not helped by the fact I get constant put downs from my DM since day 1 that I don't know what I'm doing and now of course she is on the whole "he prefers being with me" (sorry massive drip feed there). I feel like utter shit and desperate.

Sorry that was a long one.
Please mumsnet tell me how to address this and be a better mummy

You sound like a great mum!

You are not the problem but your nasty Mother is.

That's not normal...for a Mother to say "He prefers being with me"

That's an abusive and terrible thing to say to a new Mother.

Find some other daycare for your son....don't leave him with her. she won't do him any good in the long run.

When my sister comes round my 18 month old DS tells me bye. It doesn't mean he's not attached to me.
I also leave him playing to clean etc and he has never been bothered.
Definitely leave him with a childminder/nursery instead.

You’ve done a great job if your son is happy to be left! My older boy isn’t clingy and I’ve always thought that was a good thing, him not having a crying fit whenever I went anywhere. Level of crying is not proportional to how much they love you.( I went back to work PT at 6 months). Your mother sounds like a cow trying to make you insecure like that though. You don’t need to be a better mum, she does !

I’d also find alternative childcare. You sound like a great mum.

It sounds like your baby has a very secure attachment to you. He is confident that when you leave that you will come back. Have a read about the ‘good enough parent’. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-learn/201512/the-good-enough-parent-is-the-best-parent%3famp

Ditch your own mother as childcare.

Attachment parenting is just a style of parenting, it's not the only way to raise happy kids. I've never breastfed, never coslept (unless ill), tried a sling once and hated it, left them to whinge a bit as babies if I knew all their needs were met, gone out for the day and left them with dh from about 6 weeks old, leave them to play by themselves etc etc. Neither of them cry when I have left them with a babysitter and when my dd started preschool I was supposed to stay for the first few sessions while she settled in but I ended up leaving after 10 mins the first day and she wouldn't even say goodbye to me 😂

I've done what has worked for me, this is my "style" of parenting. My kids are happy, secure, confident and independent. And they know how much I love them.

You sound like a brilliant mum! Your mother's comments are unkind and untrue. I can't understand why your own mum would want to say that to you, it's horrible. I agree with other pps, find alternative childcare.

It must be really hard to have a clingy baby that cries whenever you go for a wee so don't be sad that yours doesn't.