My daughter’s behaviour is out of control.

[Muddledmotherhood]

I honestly don’t even know where to begin and I feel broken.

My daughter is 2.5 and an only child.
She shouts, bites, demands everything right away and even when I say to hold on she throws the biggest tantrums, which also occur over minor things too like having to change her nappy, get dressed, eat dinner etc. If she’s having a tantrum she will purposely hurt whoever is in her way and she will say “I’m going to throw this” whilst picking up a toy and throwing it across the room. I do time out and take a toy away when her behaviour is unacceptable but nothing works.
When I say she’s hurting me she laughs and does it even more.

I am a single mum but currently live with my parents, they help when they can but I don’t want to ask as they have their own life too. I suffer from depression and this has put a huge affect on my mental health. I end up shouting a lot now as I’m honestly at my wits end now. I spoke to a health visitor but she just basically said carry on with time out and she will grow out of it.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like an absolutely failure as a mum.

You can ignore tantrums, just let her crack on with it as long as she isn’t hurting herself or another.

If she throws a toy tell her it’s going into the misbehaving box where she won’t get to play with it that day.

Reward good behaviour (even if it’s just sitting down playing quietly for 10 minutes) and try to ignore bad.

She's only a toddler doing what toddlers do to find out where they fit in this world. Sh'e not out of control and it will get easier. You can head off lots of tantrums by offering limited choices so "nappy change on the bed or in the bathroom" "green leggings or red dress" "peas or beans" "high chair or big chair"
When she feels like she has some control over what happens to her she hopefully shouldn't need to tantrum so much. Make sure she eats well and gets enough sleep, try and have recogniseable routines every day as making her days predictable will lessen her anxiety and cut down on tantrums.
When she does inevitably have a tantrum keep calm and quiet and wait for it to pass without comment. Remove anything thrown and offer reassurance when she is calming down.
Keep your chin up we've all been there but it passes eventually.

you most definitely aren't a failure OP. How are you using timeout? do you send her to timeout straight away, or wait until she has calmed down? Children that young won't be able to link the action to the consequence unless the punishment is given straight away. perhaps it may be worth trying a calmdown corner instead? dedicate one corner of a room to a calm area (small chair facing the wall, box filled with things such as stretchy bands, stress ball, relaxing glitter jar). when she is calm, take her to this space and tell her that when she feels angry, she needs to come over here and calm down. when she is throwing a tantrum, try saying 'dd, go to the calm down corner please.' if she doesn't go, walk her over and hand her one of the objects out of the box. then tell her that when she is calm, she can come and talk to you. (then address the tantrum /'we dont throw things dd. you can hurt mummy really badly.') all the best. i know its tough xx

Ignore the tantrums. Walk away, or put her into a corner with nothing near and plonk her there. It's really important your parents do the same and everyone behaves as if she's not there. It can take days to crack and that's the hard bit but once you've done it it's sort it.
When you go time out are you removing her to a place? Id do that, a set confined place like a corner with nothing too interesting around. Explain why she's going there and put her there. Every time she leaves don't speak or engage with her,, just put her back. She will go mad it does work!
Absolutely take away thrown objects and confiscate them. You need yo always remember you are in charge not your dd.
Can you pinpoint her tantrum triggers? Tiredness, hunger, being overwhelmed?
There's very often a trigger. Tantrums happen because children dont know how up cope or control so it's important to put structure around the event but slso try to prevent it . If you pay attention yo the times it happens most it's probably when she's getting tired or a bit hungry. Often a book and story with a drink can be a distraction when they're tired and can stop it developing when its just in the rumbling stages, similarly giving meals sooner or giving some fruit etc if hunger is suspected. Give it a try. Try to catch it as soon as it starts. Good luck.

We recently went through this lovely phase with our nearly 2.5 year old. He was similar and we found we were shouting more and more. The more we shouted the more he laughed. We changed approach and banned raised voices from the house. Now we give him a firm but calm warning, then put him in time out supernanny style. We have a lot more cuddles and a lot more running around as this age is such high energy.

Since the raised voices stopped he behaves so much better. We still have our moments where he plays up but nowhere near so extreme. All kids are different and you'll have to keep trying new ways of discipline to see what works for yours, but seems more running, cuddles, praising, I love you, and no shouting did the trick for us. Good luck

I meant to say, it wasn't instant, took a couple of weeks, so whatever path you chose stick with it. They also have a keen sense of picking up on your stress and that makes it so much worse. When we are happy the kids are much happier. Easier said than done when you've had 2 hours sleeo and your toddler is throwing things I know!

The other thing with children, especially toddlers, is to focus on getting the basics absolutely rock solid. So lots of sleep. As much time as possible running around outside. Regular, simple food that she will eat etc.

I've never tried this personally but saw it suggested on tv a few weeks ago and it seemed like a sensible suggestion:

Giving the child "choices" to make them think they're in control. So instead of saying "come here I need to change your nappy", you give her two choices that result in the nappy being changed. Eg) do you want your nappy changing on the floor or the sofa?

That way, she thinks she's in control and getting a choice but basically, the end result is that what you want to happen happens.

Instead of "put on your socks" ask her to choose red socks or blue socks.

Sorry if you've tried this and it hasn't worked. x

Like glam giraffe said, hunger is a major tantrum issue here! Doesn't realise it's hunger yet so fights you to come to the table too!!

My daughter is 2 and 3/4 and has recently stopped behaving similarly.

Though she's not much of a tantrum-er (probably because I literally don't respond), but she was lashing out violently and destructively when she was frustrated.

The approach I took was:

• read her books about not biting (which was her primary mode of attack) (Dinos Don't Bite, and Teeth are not for Biting both worked well).

• rationalise her feelings with her "I know you're frustrated, but we need to this thing for this reason.

• give her more warning when I expect something from her: "we're leaving in ten minutes... we're leaving in five minutes... we're leaving very soon... we're leaving now" although she doesn't have a grasp of what ten minutes actually means, she knows that the time before doing whatever-it-is is getting shorter.

• giving her positive attention for good behaviour, congratulate her on a good day, tell her we're proud of how she's behaving

• using a low stern voice when explaining that bad behaviour isn't acceptable.

• walking away (and telling her why) when she lashed out "I'm not going to let you kick me, come back when you can behave nicely"

• low-end bribery ("if you get through today without hurting anyone, we can watch Peppa Pig later")

Things that didn't work (for her):

• Timeout (she used it as an opportunity to flop like an angry eel)

• Taking things away (she simply didn't care)

If you're not a smacker, it sometimes feels like we've got no where to go with poor behaviour, there is not last-resort. It takes every ounce of adult-togetherness not to lose my shit completely. But as PPs have said, their brains and emotions are going through huge changes, all we can do it to try to steer them in the right direction, while limiting risk of them hurting themselves or someone else.