To relocate or not?

[bexg85]

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice or experience of others who may have been in a similar boat. Me and my husband live 2 hours from each set off parents (we are in the middle because we figured that was the fairest way to ensure we had a good relationship with both). We met at uni and have lived in this area for about 16 years. We have 2 children, our oldest will be started school in September and a lovely house that we moved in to about 2 years ago. Every now and again I always get niggles that I want to move back to my home town closer to my family. The help with childcare is a big consideration as is just generally the idea of having a more informal relationship with my parents (being able to just pop round rather than always having to stay for a weekend etc and vice versa). Generally I really like where we currently live and we have a nice group of friends and do feel part of the local community, however I always feel like there’s something missing and do find myself resenting friends and neighbours who have their parents nearby to help out.

A job has recently come up at the hospital in my home town that would be a promotion for me and a good career opportunity. A similar job has come up in a hospital not too far from our current home. They are both full time and it’s got me thinking that in order for me to progress a career at any point before the kids are at secondary school I’m either going to have to put them in a lot of wrap around care or have help from somewhere else. It’s making me think that a move could have benefits in terms of allowing me to progress my career whilst having less guilt about working full time as they would be with grandparents more (not all the time, I don’t take the mick but enough for it to ease the pressure). That in itself seems quite an easy decision but the things that are making it more difficult are the following

1. my home town is a bit rubbish, I had a nice enough childhood and did well enough at school but with hindsight it’s not really an aspiring place to raise kids. There are lots of nice villages nearby but they are very expensive.
2. house prices are expensive because it has really good transport links. We would never be able to afford a house like the one we currently have, so would have to downsize a bit.
3. we would be 3 hours from the in-laws (as opposed to 1 hour 45) who adore our kids and I know they would be really upset about it. They are also getting older and I know my husband worries a bit about if something happens to either of them if we lived further away.
4. my daughter starts school in September so it would mean she wouldn’t have a school place if we moved and would potentially be a bit of upheaval and uncertainty for them.

In an ideal world, all my family would move to where we currently live but that will never happen so what’s the next best thing? Any advice or experiences from people who have been in a similar position very welcome. Would be great to hear what decision you made and why?

Thanks :)

I think moving on the assumption that childcare will be made available is a bad idea. It will put a huge amount of pressure on the relationship with your parents who may try and find it really is too much etc. Why not just get a nanny so you don't have to use wrap around care?

So you'd be leaving behind friends, sense of community, a reasonable drive to your in-laws, your child's school place, a nice town and the only home your children have known, for a crappy town 4 hours from the in laws, no friends, no school place, and maybe a vague possibility of a bit of babysitting from your parents. Doesn't seem like a good swap to me.

It’s not just for childcare, a couple of my best friends live there and have kids the same age and my sister has also just had a baby (the only cousin for my kids). The childcare thing is a factor but not just from the point of view that I wouldn’t have to pay for it, but from the point of view that the kids and my parents would love it. It wouldn’t be every day, at most a couple of pick ups a week which might not seem a lot, but currently it rests entirely on me and my husband and it’s a massive stress all the time! I think the argument I’m having with myself is my main reasons for not moving are quite materialistic (house, nice area etc) whereas my main reasons for wanting to move is basically so that I can see my mum more. The family bit trumps the place bit even though the place is a bit rubbish but it’s hard to know if that’s all a bit rose tinted...

Although when you put it like that it doesn’t sound like a great idea. It makes me sad though, my parents miss the kids so much (but then so do the in-laws).

(There’s no way we can afford a nanny and I wouldn’t want to, I want to look after my kids as much as I can but that does make it difficult to do anything worthwhile job wise and I figure the next best thing to me is grandparents)

I would stay where you, but are your parents at the age that they could come to visit you more (retired, but still well)? My family lives a 10 hour flight from me, so 2 hours seems very close! But mine are retired now and though they live on the other side of the world, it means they can free up time to visit us for long stretches. Even a visit for a weekend or a week (during school holidays, for instance) would be a benefit.

I wouldn't move on the assumption they'll be able to provide childcare (my mum recently went through a year of cancer treatment, and is still quite run down, no way she could have done that). But I also wouldn't base your decisions on the assumption that you can't work full time and advance your career without family help. My dh and I have no family help. We both work in demanding careers and I have a long commute (I don't get home til at least 7pm 3 days a week), but we've built flexibility into our schedules and it means we can balance the school runs and after school hours. Now this would be different if you are both, say, neurosurgeons or someone with very set hours or on call, etc. It may mean you collectively earn less money in the short term (my dh works less hours now than he used to in order to do the school runs, but we together make more in salaries with my promotion, I realise though it wouldn't work that way for everyone), but it's doable in the long term if you both get stuck in.

Thanks mindutopia this is really helpful. I think you’re right and I know we are lucky in a lot of ways and that actually our kids see all of their grandparents probably more than some who live close by. It just feels like a bit of a slog sometimes. No neurosurgeons in our house and there are some opportunities for flexibility, there’s just a lot of pressure to be doing everything and it can get a bit overwhelming. I think with my daughter starting school it’s given me a bigger wobble than usual because currently there isn’t much before/after school club etc whereas at least nursery has the option for long days - you’re right though, there are options and plenty of people do make it work, I just need to think a bit more broadly about how to juggle it all. I get caught up in the idealistic idea of how it would be. It does really upset my that we are a bit further away and I would love to have everyone close by not just for childcare but for my own relationships and to be there as parents get older etc but equally I think maybe we are still better off where we are when you weigh it all up...

I totally get it. We are 3-4hours away from both sets of parents. I have a 7 month old and my husband works 6 days a week. I am SO JEALOUS of my NCT friends whose parents seem to help them out all the time!! I haven't even been out with my husband without our baby yet during the day as we have nobody to look after him. We have been out twice alone together in the evening when the in-laws have visited. My parents have only met our son 4 times which seems really sad to me. Even finding time in the day to shower is a struggle as although he naps well the shower is so noisy and is located on the other side of the wall to his room and he's a light sleeper. I would love for my parents or th4 in-laws to have him for even just half an hour a day... it would make a difference plus they would adore it! So I get why you're considering it. However, you'd be leaving a LOT behind...

I was thinking the same as ThisIsTheEndGame.
You aren't making a great case for your home town.

I don't think you should move. You cannot assume family will be willing or able to help with childcare, and it could cause resentment for both them and you. What if they want to go on holiday at short notice for example? And how does your DH feel about moving to be near your family in order that you can all see eachother a lot more and you can progress your career? It does seem a bit selfish on your part.

It can take a while to feel settled in a place you're not originally from, but your DD starting school may help as you'll meet lots of parents in the same situation as you.
Please don't consider childcare that isn't provided by relatives as somehow inferior. In many ways it is better as you have a choice and a say in how and when your child is cared for. And do not feel guilty about needing it!

I have been in a very similar situation to you. I actually had an offer of a job very close to family but although I initially planned to move, I eventually decided not to as I love where I live, have a lot of friends here and it is a better area to bring up kids, with greater opportunities for them in the future.
I have used the same childminder for years who is fab, DS knows her so well and I know I can depend on her. From what I hear from other parents, relying on family for childcare can leave you feeling frustrated and guilty at times. I'm sometimes glad I don't have to when I hear some of the stories!