How can I be a good mum when I never had one?

[Cloud9889]

My mum was fairly absent due to work commitments and emotional unavailability during a lot of my childhood and now I’m an adult she is not the friend/close mum I hoped for.
My issue is that I feel that I don’t know really how to create a close bond with my children (3 DS’s). I just feel like I try and go through the motions but I just don’t know what I need to do to me a good mom.
I see my mum but my relationship feels quite fake and superficial. I want my boys to grow up and be adults that feel like they genuinely like me and are happy to be with me - that’s not how I feel about my mum. I’m worried I don’t know how to ‘create’ this kind of relationship with them as I don’t know how it feels to have that relationship with my own mum! Any advice from others or input very appreciated x

I just want to feel more confident about my relationship with my kids especially in terms of when they are adults as the relationship I have with my mum now as an adult has been rather disappointing

No specific advice but wanted to say that the fact that your worried about this already shows your a good mum. If you weren't you wouldn't be bothered

Oh thanks that’s a lovely thing to say :) I hope so but I still just wish I guess I knew that I could have a good relationship with my boys and not just a crap one!

Tell them how happy they make you and what you like about them, all the time. Ime if you show them you love them you can’t go far wrong.

I know what you mean for similar reasons.

I try and listen to them. Just listen. And respect their point of view plus have one to one time with them.

Have you come across Part Time Working Mummy on Facebook or Instagram? She has a book out too. She talks really movingly of creating a different family to the one she came from. Be available, be interested and be kind are things I try to do-I don't always win! And I've got a great relationship with my parents after pretty turbulent teenage years (nothing very serious but I was revolting!) but still worry whether I'm doing it the "right way" for my kids to want a relationship with me when they are grown!

Thanks - no I have not seen that but will definitely be checking it out now x

Hi, I really recommend Phillippa Perry's book, "the book you wish your parents had read" - it's really good for examining how your own childhood shapes your parenting and giving you exercises/examples to change your behaviour.

Just finished reading that one!

My Mum didn't have a close relationship with her Mum. Among other things, she was sent to boarding school aged just 5 years old . It was important to her to do things differently with her own children, and she has a very close, loving relationship with me and my brother. The main thing is the feeling that she loves me and would do anything to support me.

Ah, sorry Cloud! Just working through it myself :)

I do think the key is to listen to your kids and let them express themselves, without letting it trigger stuff in yourself. Sounds so easy but can be so hard...

I agree that fact that you care shows your a good mum.

If your boys know that you enjoy being with them and that you always have their back and that you are happiest when they are around, you will be fine.

Sometimes it's really good to be specific and say things like, "Do you know what I love about you? It's the way you..."

I think that you sound like a caring and loving mum already.
Hug your kids often, spend time with them, talk to them and listen to them and you’re pretty much there

I don't think you need to have had a good mum to be a good mum. I don't think you have to have had a mum at all.
I grew up without one and for a time after I had mine it upset me to think she could just leave me behind. But now I just think - your loss. You missed the best bits of me. And now you've missed out on your grandkids.
I think you just have to love your children and do your best. And if there are things you didn't get but you think they should have, then go out of your comfort zone and do it (cuddles in my case - I was raised by my grandma who I'm sure loved me very much but was not a demonstrative person) Tell them you love them all the time. Tell them when you're proud of them. And listen to them. None of us are perfect, but I can tell you right now you're a hell of a lot better mother than yours was. Because your bothered.

Hug them, tell them you love them and when they make you proud let them know. Most important listen to them.

What lovely messages of support - thanks everyone