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Original poster

Help! Can I walk back on 4yo's punishment?

21 replies

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 19:46

Argh. Just had a bad bedtime with 4yo, he was fine but getting tired and silly and started to peel wallpaper off the wall which we'd told him off about before, so told him off again quite crossly. Then tried to get him to bed to avoid a prolonged shouting match but he started hitting and kicking us (not particularly hard, but trying to provoke).

I said if he did any more hitting or kicking he wouldn't be allowed on this trip tomorrow with pre-school that he's been looking forward to. I honestly thought that'd stop him but he started waggling his foot around and toying with kicking so several times I reminded him and reinforced that he'd be choosing not to go on the trip. He got really silly again and kicked hard so after the reminders I said 'I'm sorry then, you're not going'. He was really upset and lashed out a lot more and cried about how he didn't want to be the only one not going (he wouldn't be, only a few are going tomorrow).

Anyway he got really mad and upset about that so we reiterated that was what he'd chosen by kicking. Thing is I really want him to go tomorrow as I know he was tired and it's not an effective immediate punishment. I'm just sick of him not believing we'll carry out our threats (which we have made more effort to do the last few weeks, things like taking away his sweets, no TV for X days etc).

I am really kicking myself (!) for blurting out this punishment and have learned not to threaten anything you don't want to carry out! Is there a way we could roll it back without him thinking he can walk all over us in future? Perhaps in the morning saying he can choose an alternative punishment? Do we come across as really heartless/cruel/ineffective for all of this, because as he's getting older and hitting I feel clueless about what to do.
He's generally sweet and positive but prone to the odd meltdown when things don't go his way (not that he's spoiled, just sometimes he's fine with things if you explain them and other times won't hear it).

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Set a reminder

TeaForDad · 23/05/2019 19:49

Easily done.

He's learned his lesson, and so have you! I would give him a task tomorrow to earn it back.

Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 19:52

Oh that's a good idea! thanks. Now to think of an appropriate task...

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FloatingthroughSpace · 23/05/2019 19:54

That was the only parenting advice my mum ever gave me: never threaten anything you are not prepared to carry out.

Ideally he should not go, and then he will never forget the lesson. However if you must, you could set a (reasonably challenging) task to earn it back.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

trilbydoll · 23/05/2019 19:54

We used to give DD the chance to earn stuff back and honestly it just confused her and made her think we didn't mean it. Fwiw I would apologise, tell him that I overreacted and made a mistake and he can go on the preschool trip but no TV (or something similar).

trilbydoll · 23/05/2019 19:56

I would make it clear that missing the preschool trip is not really okay because people have made plans assuming he's going so we don't want to let them down just because he's been badly behaved at bedtime. Never too early to reach children not to be flaky

Graphista · 23/05/2019 19:56

Given it is possible for him to not attend I'd actually say you need to follow through.

Certain stages are tough and I made the mistake myself of over punishing and then retracting. It was my own mum addressed me on it and pointed out that I needed to not keep painting myself into corners.

Start low, consequences that happen if not immediately then very soon, gradually escalate if they keep pushing but always give yourself somewhere to go if they keep pushing.

I had a similar situation around the same age and my mum was there and basically said "if you go back on what you've said she'll never take anything you threaten seriously. She HAS to know YOU are in charge. Not just so she'll behave but so she feels safe with you"

She was right.

So yea, follow through. It's actually not the end of the world if he doesn't go, but you do need to be clear on boundaries and not make a liar of yourself.

SittingAround1 · 23/05/2019 19:59

You could let him go on the condition he promises not to behave like that again and understands it wasn't good. If he does it again then you'll have to follow through on your threat.

Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:00

Maybe 'choose another punishment' then... he'll never get out the door tomorrow if he has to do anything difficult (like tidying up...)
I'll make it clear it's a one-off and an exception... sure he'll store it away to argue against us next time though...
He was saying 'I want to start the world again so I won't do it next time'.

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Sleepinglemon · 23/05/2019 20:03

I think you have to follow through. He'll certainly learn a lesson and you'll never make a threat you're unwilling to follow through on again. Earning it back with a task is confusing as hell. I think if you're really unwilling to follow through you need to explain you overreacted and set a new punishment as a PP suggested.

MoreSlidingDoors · 23/05/2019 20:05

I'm just sick of him not believing we'll carry out our threats (which we have made more effort to do the last few weeks, things like taking away his sweets, no TV for X days etc).

Threats are probably the worst kind of parenting aside from smacking.

Have a read up of some positive parenting methods.

Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:05

crossposted... I'm really keen for him to go otherwise I would follow through.

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Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:07

Threats are probably the worst kind of parenting aside from smacking.

Yeah, I imagine so. I just don't know what to do when he starts smacking us or throwing stuff at his baby brother other than tell him firmly. He goes for time-outs which can calm him down. I just won't tolerate hitting.

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Isadora2007 · 23/05/2019 20:10

I would say “I was thinking about your friends and the teachers at preschool and it’s not very fair for them if we let them down. So you can go on the trip, but when you come home you will need to do some tasks to make up for being silly at bedtime”

Something like this?

Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:12

I think we will go with that, also as it's specific to this time and he can't suggest it as a get-out for another punishment (if I said 'we made a mistake' then next time he doesn't like the consequences he'll argue 'I think you made a mistake with this punishment' or something!)

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Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:13

(but with another punishment like no TV rather than tasks, I think)

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MoreSlidingDoors · 23/05/2019 20:15

I just don't know what to do when he starts smacking us or throwing stuff at his baby brother other than tell him firmly.

Remove him from the situation. Stay with him whilst he calms down and then talk to him about why he does it and why it’s unacceptable.

He goes for time-outs which can calm him down.

That calming down isn’t teaching him to understand or control his emotions. Time ins are much more effective, especially when you’ve turned his world upside down by having another child.

Original poster

wholelyunimpressed · 23/05/2019 20:21

If I stay with him I continue to get smacked though.

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magicBrenda · 23/05/2019 20:22

He is four years old and tomorrow is a new day.

I don’t drag ‘punishments’ out. Kids that age really don’t see the consequences. You will feel awful tomorrow and there is no point in seeing a punishment through you don’t feel justified in giving.

I’d talk to him in the morning about how his behaviour made you feel sad and that him kicking out could hurt you and himself. I’d also talk about how he is making his nice bedroom not nice anymore which also makes you sad - and that you will give him one more chance

MummyBear2352 · 23/05/2019 20:25

Been there made at threat then regretted it

If it was something small I'd probably start the morning with because you slept till if because you've been good all morning you can go BUT if you are naughty even once there will be no..

However I think kicking etc is in different league I think you should stick it out especially if he already doesn't believe that your gonna carry it through. He's not going to be the only one an it's a lesson learnt harsh lesson yes but a lesson

magicBrenda · 23/05/2019 20:26

I just don't know what to do when he starts smacking us or throwing stuff at his baby brother other than tell him firmly

Missed this.

Yes this needs to be nipped in the bud as it will cause havoc in school if he starts doing this to other kids.

Children his age will absorb what you tell him if you keep it up. Just putting him in time out doesn’t really drill home to him why he needs to stop.

Daphnesmate · 23/05/2019 20:51

I've managed to back myself into a similar situation again it was similar age dc lashing out/kicking. I know I should follow through on this but it involves potentially letting someone else down, can't see a way around it at the moment.

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