Potty training - what am I doing wrong?

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

Hello all, I’d really value your opinions! Apologies for the length of this but I want to try to give the relevant info.

DD is 22 months. I was planning on potty training her this summer when she’s 2, but a few things suggested to me she was ready sooner:

1. she is obsessed with joining me or DH in the washroom and mimicking what we do
2. she started TELLING ME a few weeks ago when she was starting to poop or pee in her nappy (and she was typically right!)
3. she had 2 overnight dry nappies last week Rather than wait for her to turn 2, which to be honest was arbitrary, I decided we’d start potty training over the weekend and try to capture some of this momentum.

Day 1 was incredible. She had 5 little accidents on the floor, but she also had 3 pees and one poop in the potty. Two of the pees weren’t even prompted by me. She was sitting reading on the sofa and then got off telling me she was going to pee.

Every day since then has got worse and worse though. We went from a 40% success rate on Day 1 to a 15% success rate on Day 4. Today she told me she had to pee, went and stood NEXT to her potty, and peed on the floor.

I should mention a few other things:

1. we are still putting her in nappies for naps and bedtime because we also have a 2-month-old and I just can’t face changing sheets in the night right now
2. we put her in a nappy for daycare yesterday (8am-5pm). She is there 3 days per week. I know that’s against the “potty training rules” but it’s daycare policy... and we can’t be the only family in this situation??? When she came home she asked for underwear instead of a nappy. No accidents yesterday evening but also no trip to the potty before bedtime at 7:45pm
3. whenever she has an accident I stay cool about it. She very matter-of-factly says (unprompted) “wet! Oh no. Not on the floor. No no no.” And I say “that’s right, next time you’ll pee in the potty”

So... is there anything I’m obviously doing wrong? What would you do? Stop for a few weeks then try again? Carry on?

She’s my first so I’m not entirely sure what to expect. Of course there are all the online gurus who will promise that potty training takes 3 days. But then I have friends for whom it took months. I guess I’m just trying to gauge if 2 pees in the potty and 3 pees on the floor (so far) on Day 6 is normal...?

Help!

I'm only just potty training myself this week at 21 months old so by no means have experience.

Was she naked at home to start with ?
Did she then make mistakes once clothes were put on her?
Are you putting her on the potty once she starts to wee, as she obviously gets the idea of it, but just not actually sitting on the potty?

It must be confusing though having the 3 days back in nappies

The best advice I ever read was that no matter when people begin potty training, they'll finish it at around the same time. I think your daughter's still a baby. There's no hurry surely. My little boy was 3 and a half and then mastered it in a week because HE was physically and mentally ready. We had no accidents and no wetting at night. I can't help but think that by making it a priority now it's just going to cause stress for everyone. Seriously, I'd stop for at least 6 months and then see where you are.

she is doing well. with my dcs, i put them on the potty every hour (but if they asked to go within the hour then they didn't go until an hour after that. eg: asked to go to potty at 3:30, so next trip at 4:30). we also used these, because while they look like underwear they are also absorbent. might be a good idea for the daycare, and ask a staff member to make sure she goes to the toilet every hour? if you don't think they will remind her, you can get a vibrating watch like this and tell her that every time it talks (says 'time to go potty') she needs to tell the daycare nurse that she needs to go. all the best x

Yep, same as PP - DD was 3.5 when she was ready & it clicked straight away, no accidents and she was dry at night before she was in the day.
I know someone who potty trained earlier but her DC is still not dry at night at 5.5.

One son was potty trained at 2 and a half, tried at 2 but he wasn't ready. Done in 3 days. The other wasn't ready until 3 and a half despite doing many of the things you mentioned at 2. Done in a week. Both dry at night immediately. I would leave it and try again in a few months, she is still very little.

I think it sounds like you're doing really well. I agree that putting her back in nappies for daycare sounds confusing though, especially when she's mostly able to say when she needs to go, that's usually the main thing they require? Can't you send her with lots of spare clothes?

For night-time, I think leaving her in a nappy until she's at least reliably dry during the day is fine. And when you decide to get rid of the night nappy, get 2 waterproof sheets and layer up the bed and have dry pyjamas handy so if you need to change her in the night you can just whip the wet sheets off and have the fresh one already on underneath.

And I don't think it sounds like you're trying too early. It's one of those landmarks that children reach at different times. Mine were all out of day nappies soon after their 2nd birthdays and had stopped having accidents within a week or so. One came out of night nappies at the same time as he came out of day nappies, one stayed in night nappies for about 3 months longer, one for about 2 years.

My DD is 15 months and we have been sitting her on the potty since 5 months. She currently does over 90% of her poo's on the potty and when we are having a day about the house she can be dry most the day, and will take herself and sit on the potty, including when she is in a nappy, but if I notice this I will often have time to remove her nappy before she goes.

For us the problems with taking her potty training any further at the moment are; that she isn't very verbal yet so can't communicate her needs even though she clearly has the awareness of when she needs to go; She can't remove her own pants yet; her bladder is still pretty small so when we are out and about or busy in the garden it is hard to give her frequent enough access to the potty.

OP I think you are doing the right thing trying a potty, can you put her on it regularly through the day (first thing, before and after all mealtimes, after nap, bedtime) to give her the chance to go, but keep her in nappies between, and then when you have nursery onboard try again at going fully for it.

Can she have a week off nursery? It might help if you can let her have as long as possible with you.

My DD trained at 22mo and my DS at 2yr3mo. I was recommended the Oh Crap book and always recommend it now. It's well worth a read IMO.

Is it a possibility that you take a couple of days off work and make a long weekend to "crack" it, then send her in with thick training pants covered with a waterproof cover, as a "just in case"? This in my experience will hold a single accident without causing confusion, as it's sufficiently different to nappies.

Try the Oh Crap book. And do keep going, honestly! It's not too early at all. Mine was done by her second birthday.

Just coming along to recommend the 'Oh Crap' potty training book, as I see a few PP already have. Lots of useful info and strategies in there, and they would say she's definitely not too young. When we were little I'm sure children were mostly trained between 18 months - 2 years old.

Sorry for disappearing, folks, and thanks for the replies... which sort of echo the pros and cons I have in my head. Oh dear!

To answer a few questions:
I’ve read the Oh Crap book and was inspired by it (especially the recommendation that 20-30 months is the optimal age).

Yes, we started with 4 days at home with no bottom layers on. Layers vs no layers hasn’t seemed to make a big difference to her success rates. Although the challenge of the Oh Crap approach is that it requires someone to be paying 100% attention 100% of the time. That’s just not feasible right now. I’m spending most of my time with our newborn, and my DH has therefore been on primary potty training duty, but occasionally needs to go to the toilet himself, or answer the door to the mailman, or warm up some dinner... and that’s when a lot of accidents are happening. I’m beginning to think that DD is ready but WE HER PARENTS are not ready to be fully committed to the process.

I agree that her 3 nursery days are possibly confusing, but there’s no way I could stay on top of her potty training alone at home with her when the newborn is clusterfeeding (which is about 4 hours per day... think of all the accidents!). I think we’ll try for one more weekend, and if no improvement then we’ll wait a few months until we’re in a better position to supervise.

Oh, and I did speak to her nursery teachers yesterday. They think she’s ready and are SOMEWHAT willing to follow my lead. They can encourage DD to use the potty a few times a day, e.g. at the times they would usually do nappy changes. I’ll put her in underwear so that she feels the cloth not a nappy, with a Pull-up on top so that she doesn’t create puddles on the floor. (I know this is a total no-no in the Oh Crap methodology but...)

You're trying to do it at 22 months not 3.5 years.

It sounds like she’s doing well, but yes it’s a process for you and her and you both have to be committed. We waited with my DS as we had a new baby and I just couldn’t deal with it. He was 2 yr 9 months and he cracked it in 2 days. No accidents after those 2 days, although I did use pull ups out and about for a few weeks afterwards (which were always dry).

My DD is 19m and definitely interested. I read that the optimum age is between 18m-2.5 so I’m hoping she’ll train early. But I expect if she does she’ll still need a nappy for nap and bedtime for a while as my DS was almost immediately completely dry day and night, but then he was older.

Also night dryness is hormonal. It can’t be taught

I’d be tempted to wait a few weeks. Having a two month old sibling is a huge change already. It would be unfortunate for her to feel she regained attention by wetting herself. That’s not suggesting she’s missing out in anyway but you have to look from the child’s perspective. A new baby is a big challenge for you too.
In a few weeks she can play without underwear (or just in underwear) in the garden so it’s quicker to get to the potty or lavatory and build on success. Maybe wait until August and then really focus on it.Twenty two months is very young.

Having potty trained two kids (I didn’t read any books and don’t know the Oh Crap method), what I will say is that both of mine needed prompting at first. But obviously not for poos. We went to the toilet every 45 mins. If she can’t hold for that long, she’s not ready I reckon. By day 3 we were up to an hour. By day 5 to 1.5 hours between wees and by Week 2 we were at 2-2.5 hours. School takes him every 1.5-2 hours.
So then from being dry on our prompting to completely telling us when he needs to go has taken another 2 weeks with one child and 3 weeks with another.

Both were dry at night but wanted night nappies for another 6 months or so. They were both dry for naps.

My kids were trained at 2.2 and 2.7 respectively. The older one who trained later was done in 48 hours. The younger one who was just past 2 had a few accidents in the first 10 days but once we had a every 1.5-2 hour routine he was sorted and now prompts us when he needs to go, two months later.

I would say she's doing well, she understand the theory of what she should do, but it is a joint commitment and its a shame it's just not feasible for you to watch her and enable her to achieve it at this time. Having a baby cluster feeding will be taking all your time and energy (congrats 💐) it's tough with a littler one as well.

She's not too young, it's only in the last decade potty training has moved to being done later and later. our DS is 21months and in the commando with trousers on phase (day 4) , dry in his naps and nearly dry at night ) We used oh crap method and I would seriously recommend it.

I'm sure when it works for everyone, you will get your routine. I do think putting them back in nappies (pull ups count as nappies) is confusing, and probably best having her at home for the week to get the basics habitual to her.

I don’t typically find what you’ve written in the op as meaning that your toddler is ready for potty training.

I tried at 2, stopped. Then tried again near to 3 and stopped. Finally 3 months past turning 3 I tried again and we succeeded day 1, she’s had absolutely no accidents and within 6 months completely night time dry.

I’ve seen people brag about potty training their 2 year olds, but I’ve seen how many pairs of knickers their kids go through in a day and how many accidents they’ve had.

Just because a young child can be taught to use the toilet, it doesn’t mean they’re fully ready to. Especially when they have no bladder hold. My daughter is now 4 and can tell me she needs a wee and hold for long enough to get us to a toilet, even if it’s 10 minutes (as I discovered a few days ago when not near a toilet and half way home already).

@bourbonbiccy people wanted their kids out of nappies purely because washing and drying them was a chore. It was easier to clean up soiled clothes/ puddles of wee than the chore of keeping on top of Terry nappies. Unfortunately rose tinted glasses forget to tell you this when you’re being hounded to start potty training because they managed it years ago.

@Jellybeansincognito we must have had different experiences. I have never been hounded to start potty training, nor would I start to train my DS based on that even if I had. Nobody should feel pressured into doing anything. I personally knew my son was more than capable of holding his wee and knowing where to go when he needed to - (this has been proven as he does.)

He has loved potty training and I wanted to allow him that independence, I most definitely don't "brag" about it, neither does anybody I know. I just did it, I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, just stayed at home for a couple of days.

We also must have different stories from our families and friends of older generation, as it definitely is not a rose tinted glasses situation. They all had their children trained as the norm with not a lot of issues.

Do you know what I've found with parenting so far? Almost every stage/milestone that I fretted or worried about or wondered if I was doing something wrong - eventually DS just did it himself with ease when he was ready, and I wondered why on earth I gave it so much time and headspace! Sleeping through, giving up BF, eating properly, potty training, sleeping in own room, dry at night, etc etc etc.

So in all my ancient wisdom as the parent of a 5 year old I'm going to say, in the nicest possible way; chill out! When she is properly ready it will be much easier than this. If you want to encourage in the meantime, keep her in pull ups and suggest she goes to the toilet after meals/every so often throughout the day. She'll get there!

For the record - we put DS on potty after meals from age about 2, he was doing all poos in potty by 2.3. We then kept him mostly nappy free at home (used cloth nappies, so made sense as per above - easy to quickly mop tiled floor vs washing nappies) and nappy on when out and about. He was more or less accident free by about 2.8 if I remember correctly.