Feel like I am failing my baby (6 months old)

[Norwen]

I am really struggling with my baby. She is 6 months old and breastfeeding. I've always felt she has a naturally happy demeanor and everyone else always comments on this. So I don't think it's her, I think it's me.

Everything has been a bit rubbish and I feel actually getting progressively worse since the 4 month sleep regression. I can't manage a routine - I have tried but she doesn't seem to want the same things at the same time on different days. I cannot, simply cannot make her sleep, or even feed on my demand. So much of the time I don't know what she wants, I don't have any instincts, I don't feel connected to her or needs. There's no understanding between us and I think that's surely the essence of being a bad mother :'(

I can't manage to get her to have good naps unless I spend the entire nap laying with her, and even then she often wakes much too early and obviously in a grumpy, tired mood but will not return to sleep, screaming even when I cuddle or attempt to nurse her back to sleep. I don't understand how I can begin to encourage her to fall and stay asleep on her own when I struggle so much to get her to fall and stay asleep even with everything in my arsenal. All the advice I read assumes that you can actually comfort your baby but I don't seem to be able to do this consistently. Between trying to get her to sleep, trying to get her to feed, and actually feeding her and napping her I can hardly get anything done. I have to leave her to whinge whilst I frantically sort out clothes or food. I feel like I hardly play with her, and I hardly keep up with anything else either. There are days that I literally get so thirsty because I don't have time to drink water. I'm so worried I'm actually stunting her development by not playing with her. She doesn't sit, roll or crawl and seems to get bored very easily. When she is well rested and in a happy playful mood (which isn't that infrequent because she does have a good nature), I'm not. I'm exhausted and I don't have time to play with her. I don't think I even want to play with her. I just want to be somewhere else. I want to be asleep. Sometimes she looks to me and smiles and wants to play, and I just want to cry. I just dread when she will become tired and whingey. Putting her down early hasn't worked. Keeping her up longer hasn't worked.

I can't find any advice to make things better. Because it is all "by now your baby will be sleeping 8 hour stretches at night" and it just makes me feel awful. I have to stop reading it because it is making me feel so terrible.

I hate how much I hate being with her. There are some good times but I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so ashamed. I don't believe it will get better because I'm not teaching her anything, I'm not helping her. In fact I am giving her bad habits but I don't know how else to cope. I can't face any new "strategies", I feel like I have nothing more to give.

I don't really know what anyone can say to help. I just needed to vent.

Deep breath. First of all, babies are boring. I really don’t like babies and I have had two of them. They are relentless and they can’t communicate. She won’t be six months forever. She will grow up, she will learn to talk, to communicate (and oh how you will regret that, my toddler who is DS2 has this week learned the delighted phrase, ‘I NEED...’). When it’s your first it’s hard to see beyond the next day. But one day she will be a walking talking human being with a personality.

Sleep deprivation is hard. It is really hard. Honestly VERY few 6 month olds are sleeping eight hours at night and I am eight years into parenthood. In terms of routine, instead of imposing one on her, why don’t you keep a diary to see if she has a rough one herself? My first liked a short morning nap, just an hour to 90 mins after waking up and a loooong afternoon nap. DS2 could stay awake for nearly three hours after wake up but then slept for 2 hours and then had a short afternoon nap. Each child is different and using a routine for a book won’t help. I kept a diary for both and then nudged them on to their own routine.

My MIL had a suggestion which was to have my own routine no matter what DS1 did. So I did this:

1. Woke up at 6:30 no matter how shit the night and fed her. DH woke up, he got ready, did the laundry, emptied the dishwasher and made me a cup of tea and toast.
2. I handed DS over to DH and had a shower and ate my tea and toast. DH changed DS. I packed the changing bag.
3. Did a quick tidy up and DH made me a sandwich.

So by this time it was 8ish and we were both fed and dressed and the changing bag was packed and there was a sandwich for me for lunch. So if the rest of the day went to shit it didn’t matter.

Roughly at the same time everyday, twice a day I went out. If he needed a feed mid outing or a change, so be it. I put him in the buggy and walked. Took him to the park, whatever.

Roughly at the same time every day I had lunch. If he whinged, then well, how long does a sandwich take?

Roughly at the same time every evening about 30 mins after a feed, we did a massage in a dark room, gave him a warm bath and ‘put him down’ for the night after reading the same story. He might then cluster feed but it was always always in the dark till 6:30 am the next day.

It’s fine for them to nap with you and on you. Naps are short lived. Once you have a rough routine then I would tackle night time sleep. Only if you have rested then can you play and interact with her. And yes playing with babies is beyond boring. Once she sits up she can be a bit more independent though.

And you are not a shit mum, first time motherhood is hard, very hard.

Oh on the food bit, just give her breakfast, lunch and dinner as you would to a bigger person. If she doesn’t it, don’t stress but roughly at the same time offer the meal. I never fed before a meal as many books advice because it seems counter intuitive. I often found that post breakfast and lunch, they would have a big feed and then go into a deep sleep.

And btw let them whinge a bit. I tried to soothe DS1 with a boob all the time. He didn’t always need soothing. He was just complaining about his life. With DS2 once he was fed, changed and not uncomfortable, I would leave him to whinge and sometimes after he had whinged himself out he would become a lot more cheerful. I would chat to him while he whinged, ‘oh dear, is that so? How terrible this must be for you.’ And so on. But if it became a distressed crying as opposed to whinging I would intervene. Same at sleep time, let them whinge for a bit, it’s how they learn to connect sleep cycles.

The problem with the baby books is they're not written about your baby. It's like not being able to buy a car manual specific to your make and model.

My first baby wouldn't nap either. They're all different.

My 2 BF boys didn't sleep through until starting solids at 6 months. Then they were great sleepers.
I know I didn't have a routine but I don't remember lots of it.

You are BF! You are giving your child your best. It absolutely honestly is good enough.
Go. To. Bed.

I hate how much I hate being with her. There are some good times but I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so ashamed.

Don't be. You're well within the bounds of normal in that respect. Babies are hard work and sometimes very boring to care for.

I don't believe it will get better because I'm not teaching her anything, I'm not helping her.

You're feeding her, clothing her and keeping her safe and warm. That is everything. Just smile and be warm towards her.

Hey Narwen hope you’re doing ok. Things often feel terrible in the middle of the night. Are you by yourself? It can feel like your whole life is taken up with looking after your baby, so if you can try to get some time to do something else for yourself by yourself. Is that possible? This passes, honestly.

It's not you. You sound exhausted. And what the baby books don't tell you is that having a small baby can actually be boring, monotonous drudgery with little reward. And that also applies if baby 'sleeps through'. Please be kind to yourself. This stage will not last forever, it's just hard to imagine the future being different, but it will be.

Don't feel guilty about not 'teaching' her anything. She will be learning lots! At the most basic level she will have already picked up on 'communicating' in that when she makes a noise, you respond, be that noise either crying, gurgling, cooing, babbling. She'll be learning 'turn taking' at conversations - she babbles, stops, you talk, she listens, you stop talking, she babbles again.

With social media its so easy to believe we should have the French flashcards out every day by 2 weeks old and somehow are a failure if babies are not walking, talking, self-dressing, gifted & talented mini-adults by such and such an age. So many fake, photoshopped images of screen-perfect lives, its all BS.

You are doing your best. The fact that you've posted on here shows you love and care deeply for your baby and just want the best for her. Which is what YOU are giving her.

I cannot, simply cannot make her sleep, or even feed on my demand

Nope, nobody can make babies sleep or feed on demand. I mean, DS was s little greedy guts who rarely turned food down, but if he didn’t want it there was no forcing him.

You sound absolutely shattered. You need more sleep. I used to bring DS into our bed for his morning feed at 6am or whenever he woke up, then get DH to change him and dress him before he left for work and bring him back to me in bed. That gave me a lie in until 8:30 every morning. Then I would get up and get a shower with him in a bouncy chair, and give him some yoghurt for breakfast.

I napped when he napped (I was bloody tired too). DS used to insist on feeding to sleep at nap times, so he used to mostly nap in our bed with me.

He was a pretty good sleeper at night, but still woke up 2-3x a night at six months old - that is totally normal. He didn’t sleep through from bedtime to morning until about 18mo, but by the end it was a quick five minute sip of water at midnight then back to sleep until 7am, so much more manageable.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I just think you’re tired. Get more sleep (either go to bed early or get up later like I did, or nap more in the daytime). Your mood will improve and you’ll be able to enjoy mat leave more. Your baby sounds fine.

I empathise so much with this. My little girl is 6 months too. I often have times when I feel like a bad mum. She has changed a lot and also gets bored / frustrated and angry with me. I think what we are feeling is normal. And worrying about how you are doing shows how much you care.

Do you have a partner or support in real life too? My DH has made the world of difference to how I'm feeling day to day xx

I’d still take nap with her. DD (7 months) has 30 minutes in the morning on her cot and then we have two hours together sleeping together on my bed. I’m a HUGE sleeper so I mostly sleep with her or I revise my driving theory or I do some other bits on my phone.

You getting rest is more important than sorting clothes or cleaning- it’s not forever.
I also leave her to whinge now which I never used to. It’s just me and her and I was convinced that if I didn’t respond as soon as she whinged I would give her a complex about her dad leaving.
Thirdly, she doesn’t need to be played with. The world is so new to her- it’s all stimulating and exciting. The supermarket, the doctors office, going for coffee is all exciting and filled with new sights, sounds and smells. Yesterday we smelt shower gels at Wilkos. DD was in heaven. I talk to her all the time as well. I narrate what we are doing, she knows the ins and outs of Game of Thrones!

You’re doing great, OP and like others have said things always seem much worse in the middle of the night!

I only have a 7 week old so haven't got any practical advice at all, but just wanted to come and give you a virtual hug and say you're not a bad mother!! And you're not failing your baby! Absolutely not!! The fact you care and worry so much about this shows that you're an amazing mummy to that little girl and you are trying your best and you want the best for her. What more can anyone ask for than a lovely mum who is sacrificing so much time, effort, sleep, rest, and everything else just to make sure they're happy? Please don't beat yourself up. No one said it would be easy and no two babies are the same. You're doing great

My 10 month old doesn't sleep through, it's not the 'norm' for babies to sleep through but we're just obsessed with it. I've been awake since 4.15 with DD who won't go back to sleep, she'll have some lovely long naps at nursery now whilst I have to work.

Having a baby is relentless but as another poster has said, they're not 6 months old forever and communication will get better. 9/10 times I know what DD wants if she's being cranky now.

Hi OP, hope you've managed to get some sleep. If you've been feeling like this for a while I'd recommend you have a chat with your HV or GP for support, don't struggle alone.

Having a baby is hard, sleep deprivation is hard - that's why they use it as torture, yet we're expected to manage it and a small child! My boy is 16 months and we went through every sleep regression, we've had periods of sleeping through and times when he's up all night. Just do what you can to get you through! We've coslept off and on and it's been a godsend to get more sleep for me. Babies that can settle themselves at a young age are few and far between, they also haven't read any baby books.

I found weaning to be good to give us more schedule - we only did breakfast and lunch to start round his naps and did BLW so it was easy and meant I got chance to eat too!

Everything is a game at that age, like a PP, mine loves going the supermarket so we often just go for a wander round! Have you got a jumperoo or similar, that was good for 10 minutes! We really like sensory boxes and he still likes to explore items - it can just be things from round the house, you don't need to buy anything special. There are some good ideas on Instagram.

@Norwen Contact The Blissful Baby Expert. She's brilliant (and also on Instagram if you're on there). She's very down to earth and very helpful.

Six months was the shitest time for us too and DD is now 3. DD was formula feed and did not sleep for 8 stretches until she 13 months and even then she didn’t wake for milk but she was in with me and woke for a cuddle or a chat.

We did BLW and the start I stressed over her being asleep at meal times and used to wait until she woke up until I had food. It got easier when I started to offer her food if she was awake at meal times and I didn’t worry about it if she was asleep.

You sound exhausted lovely and need of some support. Who in real life can help you out? Even if they take the baby for a walk in the pram for 30 mins.

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I feel better for it. I'm going to try to put less pressure on myself.

I also have a 6 month old and although I roughly know what she wants we don’t really have any routine, it feels like the entire day is spent trying to get her to feed or nap. She’s also a naturally smiley happy baby but only when she gets my full attention or is being carried, it’s exhausting. All naps are on me and we co sleep so I’m with her pretty much 24/7. We seem to struggle to get out the house as I’m constantly exhausted or she needs to feed or sleep! She’s my 2nd dc so although this stage feels relentless I know it’s such a short period in the over all scheme of things (other dc is 10) I can assure you that your doing a fab job and that she will be learning every day just from being around you and daily life. The guilt that you are failing never stops no matter what you do though,it’s part and parcel of being a parent unfortunately

Being totally honest? Babies are kind of boring. My 6 month old has developed a lovely habit of whining, and I’ve decided now to just chat to her unless it turns to actual crying.

The only way I survive is by planning something for each day - a trip out, even if it’s a walk to the park. The other day we managed a whole afternoon sitting on a picnic blanket in the garden with a friend and her 11 month old - somehow, the presence of others keeps mine entertained for long enough not to whine.

The ladies at nursery when I went for a tour yesterday said some people prefer the baby stage and some people prefer them walking and talking, even if it does come with tantrums. I’ve been around enough of my friends’ children to know that I’m definitely the latter!

Virtual hugs to you 😘

It all sounds normal and I was blown away with all the same feelings when my DS was that age. He didn't sleep for 8 hour stretches until he was around 15 months. My advise is to stop reading stuff online, it makes it worse. I'd hear of these 'babies should be sleeping by now' stories and feel terrible and it's not reality most babies don't sleep through at 6 months. Also babies are super boring at this age, dont put pressure on yourself. My sister has 5 and told me that if they're fed and all safe at the end of the day it's a win, anything else is a bonus

Not sure if you’ll see this but does it get better? I relate so much to this post.

It all sounds normal to me, including the way you are feeling.

I'd ignore rubbish that babies should be sleeping through- some do, some don't. Also if you are stressing about a routine because the books (etc) are saying you need one, ignore the books. Think about what you need, and what will help you.

I found it mindnumbingly boring being stuck inside with a baby- my way of coping was to go out with him, to baby groups, cafes, walks etc (lucky this was before Covid). The world was exciting and distracting so my baby was easier to deal with...he would nap in a sling or the pram much better than at home, at random different times of the day. Being around other people helped me. I didn't worry too much about timing until he was much older.
That might not work for you, but helped me...

Are you getting any time for yourself? I found even a half an hour walk with no baby helped me from feeling overwhelmed.

Zombie alert. Baby must be almost 3 by now

I can assure you that you aren’t stunting her development or letting her down. She’s six months old and that’s a tricky age. Neither of mine rolled or attempted to craw until much later- 8/9 months. Some babies do it earlier, some later. You can’t tell now at what age they learnt to do any of those things! As for sleeping, my eldest didn’t do an 8hr stretch until she started school aged 4! Whereas the younger slept through almost from birth. All kids are different. As for routine..... meh. Some families seem to manage that with small babies, some don’t. Ours was always relaxed. All good.

This all sounds like you’re knackered and overwhelmed with a bit of PND. Please make an appointment to speak to your doctor but be kind to yourself in the meantime. You’re doing a great job, you’re still breastfeeding for crying out loud! That’s massive.

It will all be okay. You will look back on this and laugh one day.