Tell me about your wilful toddler

[Whatafustercluck]

Last night my 2.5yo dd pinched/ scratched my face so hard she drew blood. It happened as I tried to move her somewhere she wouldn't hurt herself (or others, ironically).

It all started because I wouldn't let her have her teddies while eating dinner and it very quickly escalated to a full on kicking, screaming, flailing, crying, hitting tantrum. For more than 30 minutes until I was exhausted, needed her to eat her dinner before bath and bed and so gave in and let her have her teddies.

This is a regular occurrence. She is fiercely independent, has been dressing herself for more than 6 months, is incredibly articulate and insists on doing things herself - which we accommodate as much as possible. Try to do anything that challenges her independence (clip her seatbelt in, help her with her shoes or clothes, try to lift or carry her) or do anything that she doesn't want to do, or when she doesn't want to do it, and it results in an argument. She will even go back and do things again, from the start, if she perceives that she hasn't done something totally on her own without help.

On a good day, when we have the luxury of taking our time, it's endearing, funny, we admire her tenacity and sass. On a bad day it is like wrestling with a demon. Literally nothing will bring her out of it until she gets her own way but I'm worried because we're increasingly let her get her own way. She's indefatigable. We offer her cuddles to help her calm down and she screams "No!" We leave her alone, she screams persistently non-stop. We try distraction and she's having none of it. We try cheerily going about our business, she screams louder. We try bribery, no result. She will not stop until she wins the battle.

We generally try to choose our battles, but increasingly we're choosing not to fight any at all because it's just so exhausting. We avoid a fair few by 'warming her up' and explaining what's going to happen next (and why). But there are times when she's just so entrenched and rigid that it can't be avoided.

In between times she's funny, lovely, affectionate, a real character. Until things don't go her way.

Anyone have one of these? I know this is the terrible twos, it's normal etc. but her lows are incredibly low. Even her cm, who absolutely adores her because she's so interesting to be around, admits she's thr most challenging child she's ever looked after. We've raised her no differently to her big brother (a pretty much eternally sunny child, who has always been pretty easy going on the whole). How do we avoid giving in to her every time?

How long have you left her screeching for? I feel your pain as I have one of these and she's completely different to her brother. I leave mine screeching and put her in her bedroom if there's no sign of an end and eventually she'll distract herself with something and calm down

Mine is a right git.
Bit me in the crotch the other day.

Sigh.

I had one of those and I particularly remember the epic meltdowns over me making the sandwich for lunch and whether I cut it into squares or triangles. It was horrendous and she was also a complete fruit and veg refuser as well. I ended up letting her make her lunch herself at a snails pace as it was easier/calmer all round. Exactly the same age as yours. She's now a normal (if bossy) 23 year old. I think it was frustration with her. Once she cried she struggled to stop she got herself in such a state.

Only you can decide how to play it, but I think I would have just put her to bed with no supper or bath last night. No speaking from you. She could always have a snack later when she's calmed down. Maybe in future hold her in such a way there are no flailing hands and fingers? My gut feeling is this needs to be managed quite strongly now as in a few years time it might be worse if the behaviour isn't challenged now. Equally I understand why you would give in because it's so draining and exhausting having this all the time.

Sounds familiar. Son was easy and we missed the terrible 2s. Terrible tantrum 3s was horrendous tho. I thought he was independent, bright, articulate, focused and funny.....

However nothing compared to my almost 3yo DD!!!! So bright. So funny. So focused. So fiercely independent.

She wanted chocolate that was on the top shelf. Whilst we were elsewhere she climbed up onto the sideboard (via a dining chair) and was climbing up the shelves and standing on the glass cake stand!!!!!

Her Darling daddy and Darling brother look like they have been scratched by a cat most Monday mornings. I keep out of her space and we have a much more respectful relationship but she goes all guns blazing at them....... they don't learn. And I'm not stopping her. She should be fiercely protective of her personal space.

It is exhausting though. Also trying to negotiate with a 2yo is impossible. 3 1/2 yo is so different to 2 1/2yo.

I'm not wishing away her childhood but I cannot wait for her to be a little older!!!!

In the meantime picking our battles and sharing the rest helps maintain sanity. Oh and insisting on a 730 bedtime and full time nursery!!!!!

Best of luck OP. Remember we are raising the people the world needs, not the kids that would make life much easier right now!!

Remember we are raising the people the world needs, not the kids that would make life much easier right now!!

That's such a lovely way of putting it @MindfulBear. I'm definitely pleased that she has boundaries and has no problem articulating them strongly - that will serve her well as she navigates life. So I don't want to break her spirit. She's a bright little button and tenacity is crucial in life. But at the same time it's untenable when we're trying to function as a family! It does help to keep in mind that the world needs strong, independent people!

I agree with your comments - but not so easy in practice!!!!!!!

TBH with DS at that age we were living overseas in a large house with a large garden, a very active outdoor lifestyle and help at home. A far cry from life back in the south of England. This time overseas and contrast to now has really opened my eyes.
With a bit of space - in time and physically - I am a much stronger woman capable of coping with a strong willed pre schooler. However without that I am frantic fraught frazzled f%*€ed!!!!

Bringing kids up in the U.K. is exhausting. Overlay that with my need to bring up strong willed independent children who don't have their spirit squashed and I can barely function on some days!!!

Best of luck. If you find the right combination of spells to make it all work please share!!!

Mine is a lot bit like this. Slightly younger than yours but fiercely independent and similarly epic tantrums. I have recently concluded that it's worse if we give in because it teaches him that tantrums work. Until recently I would sometimes relent and I think that's led to him tantruming more often, more intensely and for longer. Like you I pick my battles and I think that's key. Most of the time I'm patient and let him do/have what he wants (within reason of course) but I have to be clear on what my non-negotiables are and then stick to them. Obviously this requires quick thinking and decision making and I don't always succeed! It's not a miracle solution but it's the best way I've found so far. He does respond well to clear and consistent boundaries... eventually, after a few tantrums when we have to hold firm! And we do still give him a lot of freedom, patience and loving attention. I am starting to feel more confident and less guilty about the boundaries now.