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Parenting

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Original poster

28 year old befriended daughter online

34 replies

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 15:50

Hello

Signed up because my 17 daughter has struck up a concerning friendship with 28 year old on Instagram. She is a mature girl, very trust worthy and has told me about him. My daughter is interested in trainers and gets a pocket money that she uses to collect shoes and I’ve taken her to visit events in London. One of the “leaders” of her community’s started to following her back and liking posts. They began discussing shoes and photography, I think she was thrilled because he is a celebrity in their community with quite a lot of followers. I honestly feel uncomfortable with this much older person taking interest in my daughter, she’s a beautiful and naive young girl. We’d had a small tif after I told her to keep her wits about her with online friends. How do I stop this because he seems to be the one starting conversations with my little girl.

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HollowTalk · 19/05/2019 15:52

Which community is this? And what kind of bloke is liking pictures of women's trainers?

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 16:05

I try to understand my daughters hobbies and interests, it’s a community of people collecting trainers. This character is a photographer and known collector. I’m highly disturbed by his interest and their conversations

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Sup3rCooper · 19/05/2019 16:32

You talk about her as if she's 12. So that's probably not helpful and is something for you to bear in mind

That said, I'd be keeping a close eye on this one. Keep conversation lines open between you and try and encourage her to see that a 28 year olds interest in her is something she should be very wary of

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 16:35

I give her credit for her maturity, I know she’s not 12 but this is a big cause of concern for me as a mother. What sane 28 year old is interested in a girl 11 years his junior? I have tried stressing this to her, to an extent I’m afraid that she’s star struck by this man with his many followers

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Branleuse · 19/05/2019 16:57

what is it about their conversations are you worried about?

Id be uncomfortable too, and I think youve done what you can. Dont freak out so much she becomes secretive

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 19/05/2019 17:02

Perhaps you are confusing interested in a girl with interested in a hobby they both share.
She’s 17, is she planning on leaving home for uni soon? You need to change the conversations from mummy and little girl to adult to adult advice on keeping safe in all sorts of ways, from internet to sex and drugs.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2019 17:06

I think you are right to be worried. I've never heard of a community of trainer fans but I would bet they are pretty young. If he is hanging around with that group I can see why you're worried. Are there other men there?

nighttimethoughts · 19/05/2019 17:14

It's only 11 years OP, I met my boyfriend at 18 (I'm 20 now) & he was 34! We live together and get along well, he certainly didn't have any creepy intentions towards me.

I'd leave your daughter to it, she's 17, she'll know if she gets uncomfortable with talking to him & I'm sure she's smart enough not to send any photos or meet up with him etc.

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 18:01

Branleuse - they are talking about their everyday lives almost daily via Instagram the initial thing began with the trainers but she believes they are “friends”. this is where I feel uncomfortable

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 18:01

HollowTalk - thanks, you see my problem! I see a mix of adults and teens at the events. enough that he can have “friends” his age and the same for her. he is her only adult friend

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 18:03

TreadingThePrimrosePath - thanks, I understand and I need to be careful in my approach. I don’t wish to alienate her. like I said, she’s mature and I am proud of her for that but I need to know how to tackle the problem on my hands now

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 18:04

nighttimethoughts - did it begin as a friendship or romantic relationship? no offence but I wouldn’t want the same for my daughter

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nighttimethoughts · 19/05/2019 19:42

@ArlingtonDarling romantic. None taken, my mum was equally as horrified in the beginning my family love him now & his family have been amazing to me!

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 20:02

nighttimethoughts - I understand your mums reaction, I’m apprehensive. I feel this man is trying to go from friendship to romantic with my daughter. It’s so different to how it was in my time, as someone closer to her age do you think that age is able to understand mens motivation

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DaisyD0Little · 19/05/2019 20:04

But you don't know you have a problem to tackle. Do you think he's 'grooming' her? Why can't they be friends? Is he sex chatting with her? What exactly is your concern here?

And so what if he's got a romantic interest in her? Yes to being wary - her not you - but at 17, it's not massively your business past keeping an eye out.

All this talk of 'mummy' and ' my little girl' sounds weird to me

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 20:09

I never use the word “mummy”? But yes, she is still my little girl to me and always will be

I’m worried about grooming, why a man 11 years old is talking daily to a teenage girl who hasn’t finished a levels. The concern is what could he possibly want from her, surely I am not wrong to be paranoid if I see her contasntlty typing into her phone with this much older man

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Eastpoint · 19/05/2019 20:16

I’d be really worried too, dd2 is the same age. I think I’d concentrate on getting her through the end of this school year and finishing her A levels, you have to pick your battles, and then hope it fizzles out.

Can you distract her? Are there other things that are more exciting? Getting a summer job somewhere like Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s would be good as it would give her constant company and she’d see older people as equals and hopefully less appealing.

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 20:49

Eastpoint - good advice I think, long ago we’d discussed her finding a retail job as there’s quite a few clothes shops in town but I think we’ll revisit this for after exams and hopefully she’ll be too busy to spend her time chatting with him and meet people her own age as most of the retail staff are teens/students

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nighttimethoughts · 19/05/2019 21:11

@ArlingtonDarling Yes, if she's sensible she'll know that he's trying to come onto her (if he is!) have you had a chat with her regarding sex & safety with strangers etc?

I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend but I 100% knew what I was getting into with him.

Mokepon · 19/05/2019 21:21

Hmm, I'd be keeping close tabs but without alienating her iyswim.
I met DH when I was 17 and he is 9 years older. However, it was a year or so later we started a relationship and I pursued him. Initially he was concerned about the age gap but we took things slowly and have been together ever since. Married almost 20 years.
It's difficult to judge because so much of a relationship is conducted online nowadays it seems so it's not as if he's popping round and you can suss him out.
In reality she's a grown woman and can do as she pleases, you can't stop it. What exactly about their chat concerns you? Is he flirting or being inappropriate in any way other than initiating contact?

happychange · 19/05/2019 21:23

She's 17..
if you stop her, she will just do it behind your back

Bookworm4 · 19/05/2019 22:10

hes her only adult friend, my little girl
You are talking about her as if she's 12, she is an adult. Would you stop her speaking to a 21yr old?
Stop interfering in her life, you'll push her away.

Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 23:28

nighttimethoughts - we’ve had long chats about sex, she’s dated boys her age and is currently a virgin. i know eventually it’ll happen and i accept it, i just don’t want her taken advantage of so well have to discuss it again

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 23:31

mokepon- from what i can make out he is always the one initiating conversation and pursuing the friendship. she says they just joke about but he’s asked her status, if she’s seeing anyone these are the sort of questions that are making me nervous

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Original poster

ArlingtonDarling · 19/05/2019 23:32

bookworm - she is at university next year, she can easily meet a 21 year old on campus. that would be her peer. 17 year olds can be mature, but not the same level of maturity as a 28 year old. compared to him she is absolutely a little girl

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