Struggling to cope with my 3.5 year old son! Please give any advice you can!

[LilahJonathan]

I want to start off by saying I love my son to bits and I feel like such a bad parent for feeling so negative all the time.

My little boy is three and a half, I've always had suspicions that something is a little "off" with him for example he flaps his hands when he gets excited, nervous or stressed out. He will bump into things that are very obviously there eg. He will pick a toy car up that is next to the coffee table and manage to face plant the table. The health visitor referred us for eye tests which came back fine and then to physio where we were dismissed for being anxious first time parents.. He is very intelligent and well spoken.

Thats just a little bit of the back story.
We put him to bed with a bath book bed routine for 7pm he doesn't go asleep until at least 9pm, he will then wake up between 5-6am every day. He won't nap in the day either. His behaviour is challenging to say the least, from the minute he wakes up he is extremely over energetic and in destruction mode. He breaks everything and anything he can get his hands on not just like normal toddler behaviour.
For example here's a list of things he has gotten up to today...
Woke up at 5am
Went downstairs helped himself to a yoghurt put yoghurt all over the TV.
Found my concealer then drew on the walls with it.
Used his eczema cream to put on his toy cars.
Sprayed the dog with a full can of deodorant that he climbed our landing cupboard to help himself to.
Rode over the deodorant can with his scooter.
When he went to the bathroom he started throwing water all over the bathroom.
Thrown talc all over his bed.
My partner at this point was at the end of his tether at this point due to all the above on top of my son being rude to him as it was only 11am. My son then picked up on his dad's frustrations and tried to push his buttons "dad get me my chocolate, dad daaaaaad get me a drink dad move daaaaaad daaaad what am I doing am I being naughty dad" usually my son knows how to use his manners when he wants something, he will sit and laugh knowing he is winding my partner up.

I feel so frustrated with his behaviour and yet so sympathetic that he has so much energy the only things he can do is be destructive we're taking him to the park now to try and burn off some extra energy we do this n often but we know it doesn't work and his behaviour doesn't change.
We stick with the time out method but he knows he's being naughty and he doesn't care he will get off time out and go right back to doing what he was in time out for and do this until bedtime.

We don't know what we're doing wrong as parents. We don't know how to help him. We're just so frustrated.
Please offer some advice we really do need it.

Ah this sounds painful, I very much feel for you and your partner! Does your DS go to childcare/nursery? If so, do they report similar behaviour? If not, could it be possible for him to go a day or two a week (to give you guys some rest bite and maybe get some of his energy out with friends?)

Apart from time out, how are you punishing him for bad behaviour (does he get toys/privileges taken away?) Time out doesn't seem to be putting him off by what you're saying.

In terms of him spraying the dog/smearing yoghurt etc... the only initial quick fix i can think of is to keep everything like that out of reach (high cupboards, fridge child lock etc). I appreciate that's not always possible.

Natural consequences as far as possible. Smeared the TV, that's the TV 'broken' so none for the day, or any yogurt. If he puts cream on his cars, he loses them as they're dirty now. If the time outs aren't working then stop. Have you tried a reward chart?

Also, if he struggles to sleep at 7 have you tried delaying bedtime until 8? He might go down easier and actually be asleep before 9?

Keep as much as possible out of reach.

Definitely ask for a referral. The flapping arms is something my grandson does, he has a level of autism. He maybe just isn’t processing things correctly and continues what he sees as fun and you see as naughty behaviour.

Can you put child locks on fridge / cupboards to stop him accessing them.

Toddler and dog shouldn’t really ever be unsupervised together.

Shut/ lock downstairs rooms (if possible) so there is no incentive to go downstairs so early? Gro clock and reward chart for staying in bed.

If toys are deliberately damaged, or used to damage things, then they are removed and explain why.

Ignore attempts to wind up. It may take a while, but if he doesn’t get a reaction or attention eventually he will get bored of it.

Speak to every professional you can! Health visitor, second opinion hv, GP, second opinion GP, children’s centre staff, everyone. Someone will take note that he is behaving unusually for his age and get you on track for a proper developmental check!!

In the meantime, give him the absolute most attention you possibly can afford. He sounds like he needs eyes on him to keep himself safe

Thanks for all your replies
We will definitely try the reward chart with him.
We have a gro clock he knows how to turn the colour himself which isn't helpful
I used to have everything child locked and I have a safety gate at the top of the stairs he knows how to open them.
It's easier said than done keeping everything out of his reach unfortunately and he's not left unsupervised he usually gets up to this stuff if I go to the bathroom or I'm folding away the washing for example
We took him for a walk around a park for 2 hours and when we came home he was still full of energy whilst me and my partner were worn out lol I just wish I had the energy to deal with him.

That sounds utterly exhausting OP. Keep pushing the GP for referral and don't give up. I have a few friends with DC who had these sorts of behaviours and if you're not persistent and consistent in your message it can take a seriously long time to get HCP to take notice.

The hand flapping is aka stimming and can be a sign of autism. There is some good info here: www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx

Gro clocks have a child lock on them. Have you tried that? Also my DS could open all baby gates until we got this one. They take a level of dexterity kids hands generally don't have.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BabyDan-Screw-Mounted-Safety-White/dp/B007XTDHW4/ref=mpssa112?keywords=narrow+no+trip&qid=1558297347&s=baby&sr=1-2

Thank you so much for this response honestly I feel like you really understood where I was coming from and that I'm not just a bad parent x

You're definitely not a bad parent!!!!

Op my dd 3.5 is pretty much the same. Time outs rarely work at this age, too young to self regulate emotionally, that’s what I find anyway.

It’s bloody exhausting isn’t it? I have an older dc 6 and it’s very hard to do activities with them as 3.5yo causes havoc.

What works for me is lots of time out of the house, walking and the balance bike are my saviours and also agree with poster above about as much attention time as possible although I know a lot of the time I want to run for the hills to escape

He sounds tired, to me he sounds like a very overtired three year old. Are there other children or just your son? I know it can be overwhelming but you need eyes in the back on your head, why does he have so much time unattended to do these things?

Maybe he has other things going on but maybe you could try and ensure he has more sleep then you could cross that off your list for a starting point.

Honestly I am mentally and physically drained! I will definitely look at the new child gate and different childlocks hopefully ones he can't get in to.
The health visitor suspected dyspraxia and referred us to a physio who just blew us off with "dyspraxia is just a word that gets thrown around he's just a clumsy kid" his childminder says she has no concerns other than his over excitement, energy and hand flapping. I'm definitely going to take him to the gp this week and get him a reward chart x

I don't leave him unsupervised intentionally and definitely not for long periods of time I have a two month old daughter also.
He gets up to this stuff rather quickly for example if I go to the bathroom.
I was folding away the washing when the deodorant can incident happened he was playing in the garden on his slide I had no idea he had it or how he had gotten it as we have all our toiletries in the landing cupboard my only guess is he has climbed up...

I agree with natural consequences. It works well with my son, and has for a while.

Definitely a sticker chart and praise praise praise anything good. Give him lots of opportunities to do the right thing or something good so you can give him stickers at first. 'oh well done DS you sat so nicely for your dinner, you can definitely have a sticker for that. What a fantastic boy you are'.

When he misbehaves, gently move him for a time out. Calmly explain what's going on and why then ignore. Bad behaviour needs to not be rewarded with any attention other than the bare minimum. Not naughty step, just a time out. I'd say 'DS, you know that you shouldn't have done x, y or z so you are going to sit here for 3 minutes and have a calm down and think about what happened'. Then once done a gentle reminder that if he does x y or z again the same thing will happen and he will miss out on his playing time.

The flapping alone isn't enough to suggest he is autistic. Unless you have other concerns? What's he like with other children? If he goes to nursery what do they say he is like?

And don't worry about leaving him unsupervised. At 3.5, within reason (not in the kitchen etc and obvious stuff like that) he should be fine to be left unsupervised whilst you get on with jobs etc. You obviously aren't going to stop watching him entirely for hours on end, but he should be able to safely play in another room whilst you are elsewhere.

The bit that stood out to me in your OP was "He will pick a toy car up that is next to the coffee table and manage to face plant the table."

This is classic for Dyspraxia...and no, your Physio is wrong, it's not just a "word that gets thrown around". Approx 6% of the population have Dyspraxia in various degrees.

Several other posters have suggested ASD. At 3, most developmental clinicians will go slowly, if the child is developing with their movement and language skills.
For example, with Dyspraxia, best practice is not to diagnose before 5.

So, I would suggest keeping on with your Health Visitor. Keep a diary of all the difficulties you've seen (such as you've laid out here).

"How to talk so Kids will Listen" is a good way to foster his developing sense of self-control.

Some kids are right terrors! It's not so fun when it's yours!

Can I suggest that:
a) you keep up contact with the health visitor in case there is something more.
b) with a baby in the house, he may be bored and attention seeking. I'd try and set up a clear routine for his day so he knows it'sget dressed, breakfast, teeth, then park, snack, crafts with mummy then lunch etc...
You might find he responds well to more structure and if you are spending positive time where you enjoy his company everyday its easier to keep slogging through the shit bits!

That sounds like hard work. When my DS was that age he would get up at a better time like 7.30/8 but if we weren't out the house by say 9.30 he was literally climbing the walls. So I would say have a plan to get out the house. Unfortunately as he gets up early it might mean more like 8/8.30 for you. But it could just be a walk to the shop to get some breakfast in?
Have you tried getting him into a sport? DS was doing mini football and gymnastics at that age. Swimming might work if you can't commit to a regular class. Some pools open early so one of you could take him first thing?
Take it in turns to take him out rather than all of you going out. So you wouldn't necessarily have as much time out as a family but at least he would be kept busy. If he's fine at the childminders it's probably because there are other children there to keep him occupied?
Organise lots of playdates (don't like that word but you know what I mean) My DS was always more of a pain when he was on his own.
I would say reward chart too - boys respond really well to these (sounds a bit sexist I know)
Also could he be unsettled a bit by arrival of new baby? Maybe try and do things just with him as much as possible?

Gosh I really feel for you guys! I have a 3.9 year old who is also a total handful so I really sympathise. We have been able to access some support through the HV (an early years specialist who takes him out once a month). He also now goes to nursery 4 morning a week which is a huge relief (I hate admitting that but it’s true). Nursery have found him very difficult to handle too and have managed to access funding for a support worker for him which he is loving. Hope to god we can get funding for next year. So what I think I’m trying to say is keep pushing for some help, I felt completely hopeless about a year ago but these small changes have made a huge difference for us.

PS DSs behaviour issues all erupted after the arrival of DD and particularly as she became mobile so probably not a coincidence but there is help out there!