5 year old son (year r) in trouble at school 😕

[Cathy1984]

I'm not sure what I even expect in response to this but just feel the need to write it down as my husband is telling me I need to stop dwelling on it!. My son is USUALLY the most loving, kind and sensitive boy. Most of my posts on here are my worries regarding his anxiety and shyness! However yesterday I was summoned by his teacher along with 2 other parents. They had pinned a year 1 boy to the chairs in the playground and all hit and punched him. They little boy in question was a friend of my son's at nursery and really helped him settle when joining school so I am mortified. Apparently my son wasn't the main culprit but he did hit him a few times and then even though he told the other two to stop he didn't tell a teacher. I have been so glad that my son has made friends but now I am worried that he is following bad behaviour. I am in no way condoning his behaviour BTW (he was in massive trouble!). On Monday he has to hold a teachers hand at playtimes which shows him up as being naughty. I am so embarrassed and devastated that he has done this. I can't stop worrying and thinking about it over and over. I have sent a message appologising to the boys mum and have spoken and punished my son but I still feel like he is going to be branded as a bad child now 😕

Did he tell you why he did it? Did he realise that it was wrong to do what he did?

He’s on a learning curve. He’s only 5.

As above. Also don't forget that a lot of poor behaviour actually stems from anxiety and fear.

‘Only’ 5? At that age surely they l know that poor child must have been terrified - and bullying and hitting is just wrong.

Be prepared for the other parents to protest that their angels could never have done such a thing and that it must have been the malevolent influence of the real ring leader - your son.

See what the school says - they won’t brand him a bully if his behaviour has been nothing of the sort to date.

He is 5. The social rules can be very confusing. A quiet conversation (rather than a telling off) about not hitting. Hopefully, this will be a one off

I think you've done the right thing messaging the other boy's mum. My son had something similar (as the one being hit) and while he forgot it over time, the fact two of the other parents never said a word to me has royally put me off their whole families. I'm sure your son will realise how serious it is and how much it's affected you.

As a teacher, I would say a good teacher and school won't brand him as being "bad" for one silly choice. I teach 5 year olds and we would take it very seriously and they need a consequence so they realise that their actions don't go unpunished but after that they should let him start fresh and keep a closer eye to try and avoid anything like that happening again, whether it's trying to help the children play with different children or monitoring the sort of games that perhaps do end up going OTT x

You just need to reinforce the school's policy. It is not acceptable behaviour and you want to help him to not follow (if that was what happened) or join in, as that is just as bad. But emphasis it was the behaviour which is the issue and you still love him. Tbh I would suspect they were re-enacting something which one, or more , of them had witnessed , either on tv , in a computer game or in rl. it may well be that the school will be monitoring for any further safeguarding concerns.

He's 5. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but this was more complicated than simple bullying. It was a lot of peer pressure, he got carried away, he stopped, he tried to get others to stop. He didn't handle things well.
I actually wouldn't punish this. I'd support the school, and then have a lot of talks with him. What was he doing? What was he feeling? When did he realise that this was going too far? What could he have done? What does he think the others boys would have done if he ran away/said no?
The school can punish. You need to work on giving him the understanding of what happened and work on giving him tools to stand up to peer pressure and get help if he's in that situation again.

Most kids do something stupid,mean or downright horrible at some point. As long as you support the school and deal with it he will be fine. He also needs to be allowed to make amends and eventually move on.

Thank you for the replies. I am disgusted in his behaviour and am fully supporting the school and as I said I have apologised to the other mum. I had limited information from the teacher in terms of who specifically did what. She just told us that they had all been involved in the incident and would all be losing their playtime (rightly so). The mum of the boy told me that my son had hit him a couple of times but that it was the other two that pinned him down and didn't stop when asked. My son stopped when asked but didn't do anything to help the poor boy. However regardless of how involved or not he was he has hit another child which is behaviour that we do not allow and he knows not to do it. He now seems very remorseful and is very sad that he has upset and hurt his friend. My personal thoughts on it is that he has got carried away with a boisterous game and wanted to fit in with the other boys. I just hope that this is a one off. I have discussed with him what he must do if that happens again hopefully it sinks in!

It’s never to early to learn that (to paraphrase the Simpson's) ‘some people are just jerks’ and learn not to get swept away by the bad behaviour of others. Yes he probably did it to fit in with the other boys against his better judgement. I have found that the ‘naughty’ children will throw the others under a bus to get away with their behaviour.